Handling emotional situations with other people?

Post Reply New Topic

Is it a common trait with Aspies having difficulty knowing what to say or do when people become highly emotional around you? I've often been accused of being cold and uncaring. I don't think I'm those things it is just that I tend to respond in a logical way to irrational situations, but that often inflames the situation. So over the years I've learned to say nothing and just wait for the emotional storms, tears and shouting etc of other people to pass.

I find heated emotional arguments confusing, so tend to walk away.

Anyone else do the same thing? Is this common behaviour for aspies?

Oh yes!! !
That is me to a tee.
I don't know what to do either so I walk away or it tends to get very heated very fast.
I do believe it's the logical thinking that is the cause of this. I also think that other people over-react to news.
Strange but something that I personally don't mind until like you said, I get called cold and callous.
That stings a bit when I have no idea what I am being cold and callous about in the first place!

Later Later

I find it difficult because generally I find when people get emotional they expect you to say something serious and meaningful, maybe perhaps to alter their mood positively, and I lack the ability to think of such things to say so quickly.

Unless I really understand the person and the situation their in, which, generally that isn't the case.

It also tends to be this way when someone's overwhelmingly angry with you..

I dunno about common, but that seems likely.

I've no idea what to say for tears, and usually end up saying something nothing-like, such as, "Oh, I'm sorry," and feeling like I'm in a play. Angry arguments I'll just stand there or I'll make a rude gesture and walk away.

I have discovered that I am really good at picking gifts for occassions. Not holidays, but life-events where people need friends and family to 'be there' for them. One has time to think about a gift (but not too much, timing is important, but it's on the scale of days rather than seconds) and it's really just a matter of cross-referencing the person's taste with extrapolation about how the event feels to them. So I'll send a present and a note. It's very effective at causing people to know that I really care about them. So much so that now family members are telling my mom how wonderfully supportive I am when I haven't seen or spoken to them in years, just sent a couple of 'the right thing at the right time' packages in the mail. It seems like it'd come across more distant and cold than what everybody else does, which is telephone with congratulations or condolances, but it's got more emotional impact somehow.

Rarely been called callous, however, I am. I know it, and usually make every effort to hide it.

When people get worked up, I get really uncomfortable. Twitchy. Like something should be happening, but there's nothing there-but there should be....

Heated emotional arguments? Holy crap, arguing with someone going nuts is like arguing with a drunk-ain't going nowhere! And then the fact that it's hard to get my points across in the first place, not good times...

I don't usually say anything unless the person wants me to.

I never know what to say when someone gets emotional or starts crying. I usually either say nothing or else use a 'canned' response like, "It's gonna be okay." Thing is, I can't stand to see other people cry. When someone starts crying and I see them wiping their eyes, etc, I start crying too, even when I don't know what it is they're crying about. I hate it when I do this. It's not even 'empathy' that causes this, it's just some kind of knee-jerk response. When people tell me someone they know has died, I again will give the canned response, "I'm sorry for your loss." Even then, it sounds stupid, but I can't think of what else to say.

A week or so ago I thought this was normal, but now I'm remembering several instances where it should have been painfully obvious that there was something different. The time that sticks out most in my mind is when I was in school, about seven years old. My teacher had lost her father and broke down in class. Just about all the kids went to go give her a hug, but I sat there, frozen. It wasn't that I didn't care, just that I had no idea what to do and it seemed wrong to me to do the same thing - unnatural. Another time in high school a group of girls I had occasionally hug out with decided they didn't like me, and came over at lunch looking to start a fight. I didn't like them anyway, so it wasn't hurtful or anything, but I just answered their questions honestly and calmly... I wouldn't have known how to get riled up about something I felt was pointless even if I wanted to. I can't comfort family or friends either, though I imagine I'd be fine dealing with an emotional situation with my partner... although he's not really that emotional himself, so it hasn't come up.

I pretty much get struck speechless when the people around me become highly emotional or engage in heated emotional arguments. It's usually shut-down time for me then.

I never know if I'm supposed to talk. I figure it's just better to let them talk. But I'm horrible at the hand-holding "there there" stuff. I don't even do it. I don't go to funerals - too uncomfortable. When someone's upset, I feel like I am in the way. Of course this doesn't happen in The Haven or anywhere online, I seem to be able to at least try and comfort people there without coming off as a nitwit.

I can do emotional arguments, though, as long as it's an argument I'm interested in. Or start. Usually, I only do it when it's an argument I start. So if it's someone else's, then no. Okay, so, no, I don't do emotional arguments well, either. /fail at that too

Unless it's my children in need of my support/comfort, I walk away. So, yes, I've been called cold and uncaring. My feeling is that people should reign in their emotions.

This is really common .. this is one of the issues that many married AS/NT couples have with relationships.....


e.g NT wife - I am feeling so depressed about my job.. I hate it and I'm tired of it .. I never want to go back !" ( sits and cries .. and cries )

AS husband .. lets find the newspaper and apply for another job.

NT wife.. I can't do that I am not qualified for anything else! I can't change my job! "

AS husband .. look .. if you hate your job then you need to change it .. lets find the newspaper and see what's there

NT wife - I can't do that.. did you not listen to me ! You just never listen .. you don't understand etc................

NT wife is upset.. hates her job.. she does not actually want to change at this particular point .. maybe not at all .. she is looking for comfort.. AS hubby .. looks straight for the practical solution, she feels he does not care enough to see her distress and just focuses on the " job " aspect and not the fact that she is upset and needs emotional support.

This kind of scenario , is played out in many NT/AS conversations and relationships all over the place in various ways.
NT looking for emotional support and comfort .. AS looking for practical solution rather than offering the emotional support.
It is not because the AS person is cold or callous.. just because to the AS person this is the obvious thing to do.
In close relationships.. as soon as both people recognise this fundamental difference in dealing with emotional issues.. the sooner both people will be able to navigate these types of communication better.

Solution

NT wife.. I have had a crappy day at work .. I hate my job.. I just need a hug right now.. that will make me feel better.. Can I have one of those really big bear hugs, they always make me feel better..
AS husband - offers and gives HUGE bear hug.. "sorry you've had a bad day"

I would have done the same as the AS husband.


I can't stand it when people get emotional. I just tense up. I would rather be anywhere but where I am. I don't say anything at all for the most part... just sort of look of in a corner with this anxious/ impatient look on my face.


I find it hard to comfort even my own mom at times. I can’t just put a hand on her shoulder like she does me, or say “Its ok.” I have gotten to where I can hold her hand, but that is about it.

Eh, inability to differentiate between occassions when sympathy is wanted and those when advice or action are wanted (or unwillingness to give them as they are wanted) is widespread among the humans I know.

I think the trouble is more how to go about giving 'emotional support.' I see your distress, I understand that I can't fix it or tell you how to fix it, or that you don't want me to, but I don't really know how to simply console you.

The best way to give emotional support .. is simply to ask what is needed, rather than just standing by. For the NT .. to get the response they want .. they have to request it. For the AS person .. they need to ask.. those two things combined , make for a little more harmony. Obviously for this to work, both people need to have an awareness of how the other person " ticks" and be willing to make the necessary compensations/allowances.

I do the exact same thing. I was thinking it was just my weird need to immitate....I also will laugh if someone else laughs even if I dont think anything is amusing......its actually quite annoying....to me anyway.