Social reciprocity question

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Do you ever seem like maybe you know that something is expected of you, but you still can't do it? Like for instance, a neighbor comes over and gives my husband some coffee because we were out. Later the neighbor says to me, "Did you enjoy your coffee this morning? I gave you some of mine" inside I have a feeling that he's looking for a thank you because after I say yes I enjoyed it, he's still staring at me. I managed to tell him that I enjoyed the coffee, but I have a super super hard time saying thank you. I do manage to say "thanks" with gritted teeth. (honest I tried to make it sound genuine) Its not that I'm not thankful, really I am! .... and that was only an example, it happens many other times and different scenarios that don't involve a thank you but some other form of social reciprocity.

I'm just wondering, do you ever seem to realize that something is expected but still be unable to do it? Like it feels SO WRONG? Like eye contact. I can do it. I can try to do it anyway, but its SO uncomfortable!

Yes, I know I'm supposed to greet people but I still sometimes won't do it. I also sometimes don't return phone calls. Really I could name a lot of things.

yeah, happens a lot. if I make myself say it it just sounds mechanic and unconvincing so mostly I don't bother.

not really with greetings or thank-yous though, mostly with stuff like small talk that you know where is leading (how are you? damn, how I hate it)

Yes, I can relate to that. I believe that we should help each other out and be nice to each other because it is the RIGHT thing to do. I hate it when people expect gratitude or something else in return.

The world would be a much better place if we were all altruistic.

Yes.

My example: A correct reciprocation to someone addressing 'how are you?' at you, is both fast and upbeat. I know in theory I have to give a fast upbeat answer regardless what the truth is (I've seen 'fine' given as an answer by people in chronic pain in their last weeks of terminal illness.....aha ). I hate it, it feels fake and even after years of practice, I sometimes 'forget' if called on to go through the routine unexpectedly (you have to respond immediately, but if I am not expecting to be asked, it takes me a moment to think what to do), and it still feels repellent and uncomfortable to me when I do it.

Mmm, lots of stuff is like that, but I think 'how are you' is very pervasive and also, because it occurs at the outset of interactions, peoples response to it is probably very influential on how the 'inquirer' perceives the overall interaction/person.

I do all this, and then some. For instance, I overshoot the reciprocity, and when someone asks me how I'm doing...I'll go on for as long as they'll let me about my life...

That is not socially reciprocating in the context of the 'how are you' social greeting routine.

I actually take a perverse pleasure in it. Around me, the answer to 'thank you' is 'no problem'. I really freak people out by saying 'you're welcome'...

It took me a while to learn to return calls and to even say "hi"but I am fine with it now. I always make sure I return calls or emails or whatever. I sometimes find myself smiling and nodding when I pass by a stranger walking and he or she says "hi". But if I know the person, I will talk. I always say "thanks" if someone opens the door for me at a building. Too bad many others don't do the same. I bet you, autism isn't to blame in the majority of cases... sadly some people just plain have some very bad manners.

'No problem' isn't an acceptable answer to 'thank you?' damn. I rarely say 'you're welcome'.. it feels so.. yucky. Ugh. And when someone asks me how I am, I answer honestly. ... which I'm guessing they don't really want.

Here’s what I do:

I go into the details. Turn it into a crime scene. I explain why or why not I enjoyed the coffee. I ask what kind of coffee it was. I compare their coffee to mine. I compare coffees in general. I compare how to prepare coffee. Did you use a filter or a strainer? Do you taste the pulp when you use a paper filter? Etc. etc. etc. By the time I finish everybody is so sick of talking about coffee that all they want to do is go home and lie down.

When someone asks me a stupid qeuestion eg "How are you going?" or "Its a nice day isn't it?" I respond by mumbling

Yes. And isn't that frustrating. Just when you think you might have them figured out, you don't.

Downloadable instruction manual? Please & Thank you. Then perhaps they'll go away.


Had this one happen: Female yuckiness who is thoroughly inept at her job said this to me: "My door is always open for you."

I responded (direct quote, and I did speak aloud): "The status of your door, that is whether it is open or closed, is of no correlation to the fact that you cannot perform your job."

Then she did tell me to get out (Yay!), to which I responded, "Would you like your door open, or closed?"

How to alienate Neurotypicals. Next?

On the other hand, I'll act loud, boisterous, and polite enough that they'll leave, which is just as well.

Oh yes I used to be terrible at any kind of social nicety, but made an effort to learn the correct responses. Like for example to "How are you?", I had a tendency to tell them exactly how I was, now I understand it must be a short answer like fine, good or not bad. And that I should respond "how are you" or "how about yourself" or otherwise I seem like I don't care about them.

Yes, many times. I know what I am supposed to do in my head but it doesn't reach my mouth ha ha.

Not so bad now I am older, I have got more into the pattern of it, they say A, you say B, they say C, after that, they might say anything and then it gets complicated, but the gaffs can be really funny after all the embarrassments and people getting cross with you.