How much effort should be made to fit in?

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My biggest problem is that I never know how much effort I'm supposed to make to fit in, especially at work. Should I be tense all the time and tuning into all body language and trying desperately to say the right thing all the time? Or do I have the right to relax a bit here and there, even if I get outcast as a consequence? Are NTs constantly tense and alert when relating to colleagues at work or are they sometimes relaxed and being spontaneous? I dread having to start at a new job again, because I dread the terrible tension of being constantly on guard what I say, where my eyes look, my body language, etc. And it's also hopeless, because I always end up being fired anyway. All the tension and hard work buys me some time till I'm fired, at best.

None.

The only reason people try to get to know others is to plan a sneak attack.

Always act like you got the job through blackmail.

Humoring coworkers is not in my job description.

When someone speaks to you, that is not work related, they are stealing from the company, just like using the office computers to view porn, look at them like the evil manipuative ape they are.

Make a note of the time and what they said. State, you are a temp?

They are human, they are going to try to make themselves look better by making someone else look worse, don't help. Just stare, and ask is there something you wanted?

Never answer questions, build walls, and show irratation when someone disturbs your work.

Bosses you have to put up with, the rest are there to steal office supplies.

You do not have a past, present, or future, and no hobbies or interests.

I have a lot of work, don't you?

Shut them down, and give them nothing.

Give the impression that you are in no need of them, find them distracting the work, and really unfit for employment.

They do understand several things, one is there are people who ignore them, bosses, family of bosses, owners, know they steal office supplies, and disrupt getting work done.

You have tried fitting in, it does not work, it feeds the office gossip machine. Being different is picked on, if you let them, of feared if you treat them like you could care less what they think.

As long as you are going to be different, play it.

Contempt for workers is the first step to managment.

There are ten of them? The job could be done by six, if they worked.

Hi, I'm new. Anyways I agree with Inventor but maybe not in such a harsh way. I think the parts you have to work at, "reading body language and trying to figure out what your next move should be", comes natural to them. I am more like you, I have to put a lot of effort into trying to figure the social side out. Over the years- now that I am almost 40 I have learned to let a lot of that go and just do my work. The main thing I want to know from my boss is "What do you want me to do?" (and yes, I ask it bluntly. I don't like to try and read between the lines) That is what I focus on and that's what I do. I will be friendly and say good morning to my coworkers but I don't go into "How was your weekend? How are your kids?" blah blah blah. Because of this I don't get invited to any of their parties or outings but that is ok by me. I assume they see me as wierd and I have learned to accept that. Hope this helps

Zero. Talking about friendship, if you can get along with someone being who you are ok (and I think this possibility is available for everybody), otherwise it's just wasted time/energy, and, more important, you are just causing yourself more harm. If we talk about work situations it's obvious you have to adjust yourself.

I've been a nervous WRECK about fitting in and still failed miserably. Perhaps the Inventor is right.

You see, there is an unwritten social "code" that NT's naturally grasp but that we can never read. The "code" will always exist and we cannot break it, no matter how hard we try. Efforts to break it often do result in people gossiping or getting pissed off, which we then don't understand.

Keeping to yourself is a good idea, and only open up to those who come to you and open up first.

I find the approach that's worked for me is to be up front and honest about it. I can't expect my work mates or boss to be familiar with autism, or to be able to work it out for themselves. I am different than them, my behaviours are different, probably different from anything they've encountered before.

So I explained to them that I have asperger's syndrome, that it's not an illness, just a difference, in a similar way to men being equal and just as capable as women, but there are differences, beyond the obvious biological differences, that mean you approach men in a particular way that wouldn't work with a woman.

Of course, I realise that I'm lucky in that I'm bloody good at what I do, and that gives me a certain amount of latitude to be a bit odd and wierd, but regardless, I think that being up front and not making a fuss is the best approach, rather than try to hide it and end up alienating yourself needlessly.

Hi Greentea!

After really thinking on this one, I would have to say it depends entirely on the individual, their amount of functionality, and their desire to fit.

For some, the "right answer" is to make no effort to fit with NTs. They have isolated jobs (or assistance) and other means of fulfilling what little social needs they require. There is nothing wrong with this.
For others, the "right answer" is to work hard at it. They try and often fail at jobs, but they are driven by an inner sense of loneliness that is only satisfied by the very human contact that they struggle so hard with. The lucky ones reach an equilibrium. The unlucky ones frequently suffer horribly from serious depression and anxiety.

Some of us really really want to fit in but just can't, even after over fifty years of trying in some cases. I really feel for these people and truly admire their efforts. They've been dealt a really hard hand of cards and are made of some pretty strong stuff to keep going like they do. There is a strong tendency for them to feel like "failures" or that they are "hopeless". Nothing could be farther from the truth.

The only advice I could offer you would be this: Relax. Totally and completely as you can. If you're going to end up fired no matter what you do, why not try something new and just totally relax and don't even worry about it one little bit. You might as well enjoy the ride as much as you can. It might even work to your advantage if you've never tried it before.

Do as much as you're comfortable with. At best, you should be comfortable with the effort and comfortable with the achievement.

I really don't want to follow AS-ideals or normal people's ideals if I actually feel real uncomfortable about them.

I think the anwser to the question is just to avoid anything you think might cause huge amounts of anxiety in the long-term. People need to be greedy and think about themselves sometimes.

ViperaAspis, maybe you're right and I should just relax and let myself be a little, if I'm going to end up fired anyway. But I dread those looks, those blank faces I get when it clicks in them that they actually hired someone who's weird and didn't notice it in the interviews.

Maybe I'm not weird. The person who recommended me for this job just called me and told me that if she had the tiniest reservation about me, she wouldn't have recommended me. And she worked together with me for 5 years, in the same room. But if nothing's wrong with me, then why do I always get fired.

You don't have to go quite so Scorched Earth as Inventor suggests, but there is an answer available in changing your paradigm in that fashion. Understand other workers as cogs in a machine, address your actions to the systems that contain and constrain them, not the individual. This does not mean you abandon your moral and ethical character, this means you establish the protocol framework you are comfortable in and simply believe that is the one true path. If you carry yourself with dignity and confidence and are competent at your job and enjoy being these things, what more do you need?

Admit Nothing, Deny Everything, Make Counter Accusations. Rule number one, the mission comes first. Rule number two, never let them see your pain. Rule number three, never let the enemy pick the battleground. Rule number four, identify high value targets. Rule number five, engage enemy combatants only when all other options have been exhausted and you have the advantage of position. Rule number six, always have a backup plan. Rule number seven, prey retreats, predators make evasive maneuvers. Rule number eight, adapt to your environment. Rule number nine, your environment adapts to you. Rule number ten, There will be blood and you will drink their milkshake. Rule number eleven, They won't even know you did.

I think that lays out the framework decently if a little roughly.

Oh gosh, I don't even bother anymore. If someone is going to accept me for me, then wonderful, if not, thats wonderful too I just don't care. I am who I am, and I am not changing who I am just to please society. No thank you.

At school I dont make an effort to fit in or alienate people, it comes in handy to have people mostly as neutral because if you ever need something from someone if you are not enemies they are more likely to do a small task.

I used to bother loads about fitting in. I SEEMED happy but all I really FELT was fake, like a 2-dimensional character in a poorly-written story.

Now I stay true to myself, and sure, most people hate me for it, I occasionally hate myself for it, my family bully me for it, I have had suicidal thoughts...but hey, at least I'm being real.

Crassus, I didn't understand anything. It's too complex for me, I suppose

I have found that my days go a lot better if I make sure I get some time completely alone, where i can be 100% me with nobody watching or listening. As long as I get my alone time, I can handle things better in the "real" world outside.