my issues......

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Im angry..... that it took so long to find out that im not a bad person , a F!! ! up that people said i was/am

at psychiatrists who didnt take the time ( cuz i dint have the 250 per hr. for them..., the hospitals i been in, the treatment programms i went to only to find they were merely glorified babysitting services

my father. who would not have a MENTAL case for a son and emarass him in front of the other Navy officers

Classmates who bullied me

at myself cuz i turned to drugs, sex and alcohol to try to fit in

at those who gave the illusion of being a friend but in reality had other agendas.. ( yeah, iiive had people bet on who could get me in the bed first. aquaintenses who asked me " will we ever have sex", etc... at ""friends"" who were only around when I was buying the drugs..(i overdosed i 1974...My mom went nuts trying to find out what i took. My "freinds "wouldnt tell her.......to be continued

Hello Tom,

I think anger is a perfectly healthy emotion to feel at this stage in your life. I have heard many autistics say they have gone through stages similiar to the Five Stages of Grieving and Loss that the book On Death and Dying speaks of. Although I didn't go through all of these emotions in exactly this order and I was not grieving the fact of being on the spectrum. It was more the fact that I was getting rid of the notion that I was in anyway the same as everyone else which was quite an eye-opener for me.

The 5 Stages of Grief are;

Denial (This isn't happening to me! I must be mistaken.)
Anger (Why me?)
Bargaining (I'll do better.)
Depression (I just don't care anymore.)
Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes my way.)

When you finally get to the point where you can Accept yourself, it seems life is more bearable (at least that's how it seems for me) and those that have hurt you in the past are not relavent anymore to your present and your future. Good luck, tom. It's your life not your father's life - it just doesn't matter what he feels you should be or how you should act. Be true to yourself and if others can't accept you for who you are....it's their loss and not yours. Thanks for sharing your feelings.

okay, just for today, im going to do what needs to be done as far as daily living chores. It might even take me longer than today, cleaning the house, cooking , etc.
i want a life again .i been hiding a long time and im tired of it.. im considering a depression support group just to unload. ( I really dont think ill find anyone to connect with... Never happened before) but i guess its a start.

and. funny you should mention it.... Iv'e been thinking "I can handle anything that comes my way" First heard that on a tape by Louise Hayes.... I gotta wonder tho if the universe is prepping me for for something .....where i can handle it but the rest of the world is going to freak!

Oh yeah! That's when life becomes not only bearable but down-right fun

Go get em, Tom. . . .show the world the real you. The depression support group is a good idea, too - it will be beneficial to your "new beginnings". Before you know it, you'll forget all about the depression because you just won't have the time to spare to think about it. I mean, we are different and that's okay - being different isn't a bad thing - we've just got that impression from others that don't want to accept us as the unique individuals we are.

It's their loss, really. Just think, they will never get to know the wonderfully multi-faceted person you are. Don't worry too badly about it though...anyone that's bored with me is usually someone I'd get tired of real quick, anyway. (There's only so much shallow thinking I can do )
I agree tom, it is very possible that the trials and tribulations you have survived is in preparation for bigger and possibly better things. This is something I have always believed about life. The good and the bad things that have happened in my life has shaped me into the person I am today. It is up to me to make myself a positive force (instead of a negative force) in the world. I want to make a difference in the world even if it is just a small difference, I want it to be positive - this is my own personal goal. I hope some day someone will remember me and feel that I was their inspiration....that would be nice.

hi..thank you your your encouraging words. I think its no coinsidensce that my horoscope for today should say "Let someone else's enthusiasm push you into active participation--even if you usually prefer to sit on the sidelines" My mind has been going nonstop this a.m. as usual. Thats why iv'e asked the universe for someone to just talk to me, to "jump start me" to know somebody gives a rats hiney. Left to myself i tend to give up, like , whats the point?
I'm trying to find a balance in my life. My head ( I call it the committee, The Mother Ship sending me messages, the universe talking to me, God, whatever) doesnt shut upsometimes, even tho i will yell out 'shut the f....up. How do i find a balance. what do you folks do? how much time do you allow yourself for listening, the get up and take care of living, like cooking , washing , daily hygene, housecleaning, spending time with another human, . Since my Dad and my Friend died. (i was caregiver for both at different times, ) i pretty much gave up on life......... also, i use quotes , quips, axioms and adages daily. in fact they run thru my head nonstop, daily.. it can be tiresome
today they are.. "Its not easy being green" ...kermit the frog ---- and "Desiderata" (look it up) ..... sincerely,,,,,,, TOm

never mind the quotations - get rid of the housework!

i have. it happens to other people, as far as i'm concerned. one less thing to worry about... and give you so much more time to fret about the things which really matter, like where you've put your favourite jumper.

im still cleaning..... ....... what get you motivated when you get up?

Music! Something lively too - otherwise It'll slow me down. Also, I try to remember to not take on too many tasks at once. Example; I'll be cleaning the living room up and find an item that belongs in the Kitchen. I take the item to the Kitchen and clean up a few dishes while I'm there when low and behold, I see my watch sitting on the counter....I pick it up (leaving the dishes soaking in the sink). In the bedroom, I see that the chest-of-drawers needs a little dusting......do you see how I overwhelm myself in a matter of minutes?

Nowadays, I try to stick to one cleaning project at a time. If something needs to be in another room I set it aside and keep cleaning - this way, I'm not scattered all over the house with a billion half-done projects. Hope this helps.

also...

Don't forget to reward yourself by giving yourself a treat after the work's done (say a little time online with your WP friends after the work is finished)

depends on what i've got planned for the day. i always have several things to do, in case i start losing it early on in the day (which is often, when i'm not working):

1. have a look at WP.
2. several books i'm in the process of reading.
3. a creative project - gardening in the summer, knitting/textile work in the winter, some arduous form of cookery, writing, if i'm involved in a project - something which takes my attention but isn't too difficult, in case i'm too strung out to concentrate intially.
4. crosswords - i'm addicted to them.
5. if all else fails, i sit and play minesweeper until i get so bored that i have to do somethinguseful, or my brain will curdle.
6. dancing/running/walking - some form of exercise.

blimey - now i write it all down, there seems like loads. so often, though, they feel like "fillers" - something to fill in the hours before i can go back to bed.

fyi...I Am paying attention to your responses. ... was real sick yesterday.. all day... bad stuff coming out of both ends...... must have been the braunshwieger........ So im gonna go Lacto Vegan....... Went to the dr. today took 2 1/2 hrs.... but know what ? it was good today. Got my meds changed arouned to be easier to take. So i didnt get to clean houes today.... o well.... now im gonna cook..... hit yard sales tommorrow....and clean house more......... I sincerely appreciate your reponses....... really

I LOVE yard sales! I go to them for fun too!

Do you look for anything in particular?

BeeBee

I look for furniture i can work on. I like building furniture. Its like metaphysical to create something where there used to be an empty space so whqatever i can refinish or use parts from. also i look for stuff i can resell on ebay. i found a Lays peanut jar this morning. paid five . one just like in on ebay rite now for 33.00 it IS fun isnt it!

what music do you listen to? i like the 60s 70s & 80s...... sometimes jazz.. classical on a sunday..... wish i could find a good cd with petula clark , peggy lee , erthat kitt, etal....