hospitalized = more agreeable personality

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i - uh - was getting some psych testing results today, which hopefully could shed light on any asper. i might have. so i was stressed about it. also have been having LOTS of trouble in school - studying, focusing, and the biggest problem --- being and working with lab partners in lab.

but shortly after waking up, the room began spinning around, i felt VERY WEAK and sick, and then the room continued spinning and i probably panicked because i felt even weaker..... so a friend took me to the ER.

and i noticed that when i'm feeling really sick, and i'm really uncomfortable and weak - that i'm 'normal.' i'm a 'normal' guy, in distress - whatever i do is okay, right? i'm not making much eye contact, i'm looking like death - that's normal..... and i *think* that nurses, etc. that it's easier to make contact - i believe my defenses are down. i'm not exerting a lot of effort to be nice or polite. actually, i guess they're all asking about me and my symptoms. i like talking about me. of course, this is all at the ER.

but - once i'm okay (they diagnosed me and explained what was happening), then i think my defenses come back up - i'm back to my own version of normal. and then this wall comes up between me and them, and even though i'm so thankful to like this one nurse who was nice to me - it's hard to be socially normal and express my appreciation to her. nothing weird, but just 'thanks for being so understanding.'

it just feels like once i'm over the crisis that my (asperger?) stuff springs back, and people then respond to that. asperger stuff meaning: very quiet responses, not replying much to their comments, politely thanking them, but not elaborating on the fact that i appreciated them helping me. it almost feels like a self esteem, or shyness response from me -- hard to distinguish it from aspergers. and then i'm surprised that they seem distant - i could be misreading it all, tho.

it's almost like when i'm sick i look at them as people, but when i'm okay again i look at them as 'objects' and i'm just not very communicative. but - i feel *bad* about it, in retrospect.

does this ring a bell?

dj

Part of it is probably just that once you are OK they don't need to pay you so much attention. They go to the person who is freaking out more.

Also don't forget that when your sick they expect you to not be fully coherent so they try harder to understand you and more of what you're trying to convey gets through to them.

When you're well again their expectations of acting "normal" come back so they aren't willing to put forth that effort anymore and feel inconvenienced that you ask it of them/require it.

i can't tell if i'm blaming myself, somehow, for not being a certain way, or if some of you are saying that they're just doing their jobs - at least when i'm sick. which is listening and being attentive...

or am i misreading them -------- like, they're listening to me and answering all my questions, but that's just their jobs and i'm putting too much, or reading too much, into it???

this is confusing.