When NT's say X, they mean Y

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when NT’s say X, they mean Y
By thedailyasperger

here’s a list of Asperger interpretations for many sayings of NT’s



“She’s got a great personality” means she’s really ugly, overweight, or stupid

“Gosh, it’s so nice to see you” means “we’re both in the same place at the same time and didja speak culture dictates I tell you it’s nice to see you.”

“How are you?” means “Please say fine because I don’t really care how you’re doing.”

“This dish tastes interesting” means “This dish tastes like s***.”

“You have a lovely home.” means “I’m mentally comparing your home to mine in hopes I can feel like I’m better than you.”

“I’ve slept with tons of women” means “I actually cry after sex but i want to sound badass.”

“That guy’s strange.” means “That guy doesn’t comform to our Southern norms and must be subtly punished over period of years.”

“I may not be a psychologist, but I am a mother…” means “I think the ability to procreate like any common tree sloth makes me somehow brilliant even though my kid starts fires while I pat myself on the back.”

“That guy’s smart.” means “That guy uses words with multiple syllables that a hick like me is unfamiliar with” and/or “I hate that guy because his intelligence dwarfs mine”.

“You gotta get right with Jesus.” means “I’m so arrogant and such a religious bigot that I assume that my choice of religion has an absolute monopoly on the truth.”

“My wife is nagging me.” means “I can’t believe my wife actually expects me to do the things I promised her I would do.”

“I want a small wedding.” means “I want a huge wedding that will cast a frustrating shadow over both of our lives for a year, and I expect you to know that without me saying it because my mind has become delusional from too many chick flicks and cheap romance novels.”

“I’m a social butterfly.” means “If other people don’t define me, I’ll be a word without meaning.”

“My preacher says…” means “I’m too simple-minded or just stupid to think for myself, so I let a guy who screams himself hoarse and cries in front of dozens of people do my heavy thinking for me.”

“Support the troops” means “If you’re against this war, I hope your hippie ass drops dead. Shock and awe! YEAH!! !”

“That’s a good idea, sir.” means “You’re a person who has more fancy titles than me, so you could say let’s roll around in pig s*** and I’d say it sounds like a good idea.”

“Not tonight, I have a headache.” means “You’re not going to climb all over me, do your nasty business for thirty seconds, and fall asleep leaving me to debate using the spin cycle on the washing machine to get off.”

“Your baby is so cute.” means “I wouldn’t tell you if your baby looked like something Scully and Mulder should be chasing on the X-Files, so I’m sticking with a meaningless generic compliment.”

“That guy’s a damn liberal fool” means “that guy doesn’t drive a pickup or own a gun.”

“Well, it’s getting late.” means “get the f*** out of my house, you mooching bastards.”

If anyone enjoys this, maybe I’ll do some more down the road.

illogical form of communication

That's a good idea, sir

why, i always knew it was chromosomal

I can relate to the Support The Troops one. What if I don't want to support the troops, and especially around Christmas or Canada Day?

Took me only a few decades to figure these ones:

"I'm not sure" means NO.

"Sounds interesting!" means "I don't like the idea".

"Let's wait and see" means "forget it"

"I admire your spunk" means "what a loser, she'll never succeed however hard she tries".

"The fame and riches mean nothing to me; it's my children that mean everything in my life." means "You go focus on your kids and let me continue getting rich undisturbed by envy".

"This is not a good time" means "I don't want to discuss this EVER".

"I'll think about it and get back to you" means "Don't ever mention the issue to me again".

"You need to be more generous" means "I need you to give me more".

"You're making a mountain of a molehill" means "Don't come to me with your problems".

"You're opinionated" means "I'm looking for someone docile I can domineer."

"We had the best time" means "I want you to think I have a glamourous life and I'm popular"

"I had a wonderful time working in this company but now I must move on" means "I'm leaving because of that bastard of the new boss they've assigned to our dept." or "I found another place that pays more money".

"It was lots of fun recording my new album" means "I want you to believe my art comes as natural to me as kids' play".

"We cherish and foster each student's individuality" means "As long as it's silly individuality and doesn't get in the way of the school's bigwigs' interests"."

Thats the way the game is played?

Why not be disingenious like they are? Don't be honest with them either. Levels the playing field.

Thinking about all of this makes me want to be a recluse.

You see, I have this belief that in order to show that you genuinely like and respect someone, you should be directly honest with them.

And that people should be held responsible for what they say, not what they mean, because there is no definitive evidence that anyone can read minds. And even if some people could read minds (for the sake of argument), I think it's safe to assume they would make up a very small percentage of the population.

So if someone's words consistently conflict with their actions, I begin to suspect that they should not be trusted and may be mentally ill or up to no good.

GEE, I hope my boss never hears your translations! I thanked his family, said I had a nice time, etc... Too many try to read things into what I say, when there is nothing there.

"How did the system put vivinator as the author of those quotes from my post?" means "Go back and give credit where it's deserved."

This makes no sense to me, then again being cruel for no apparent reason is something I've never managed to understand.

If I say "Love your sweater!" the person thinks I'm trying to gain their favor, because that's the usual hint when someone admires someone's sweater.

So if I feel like expressing my liking for someone's sweater I try to find another way of saying it, such as "I wish I'd seen that sweater when I bought mine".

You have to act twisted to be understood straight.