Social Sensitivity

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Constantly told I'm "insensitive", "uncaring", "distant", "selfish", and "rude". Apparently lately I've been extra oblivious as four people have brought it up in the past week. It's confusing because lately I've been putting extra effort into being attentive and sensitive to others.

This past month my mind hasn't been functioning at top capacity and forming words and thoughts has been extra difficult. Keeping my emotions and ticks in control has also been strenuous. If my mind and body aren't in control keeping my distance is, sometimes, the best solution. Really crazy stuff happens otherwise. This is not an excuse but it is a current reality.

People also try to help by encourage me to "humour" other people. Saying things like "just make it look like you care". That sounds like bollocks and is often the reason I don't trust other people. So often in past relationships it turned out that the other person was patronizing. Most of the time I do care. I DO care about other people and their lives. It's just difficult processing it all and relating to it etc... Expressing that and sharing it back with them is often impossible.

If anything I am hypersensitive. Every little thing effects me but so much that I can't respond or I just shut down.

How do people deal with the expectations of social sensitivity? I've tried explaining it to family members but keep getting "try harder", "just change".

I really, REALLY don't understand why people would think that way of you. You seem like a very engaging and warm person to me. It's so easy to talk to you... I never get the sense that I am being ignored or looked upon condescendingly by you. I have learned a lot about social skills and how people are supposed to act with each other, and upon my observation of you, I don't see you as missing any component of this set of skills. You seem to be able to navigate social situations very well, as I see you.

I think the crucial part here is a possible lack of an ability to spontaneously reflect other people's emotions that you might possibly have. As a result, people may see you as being "distant" and "selfish". My parents have also told me that I can change, and it drives me nuts because whatever I need in order to function at that level just doesn't seem to exist to begin with.

You seem very warm and caring, to me.

I have three words for people who tell me I should act differently:

That's

not

me.

You seem to be nothing but warm and kind to me. I don't know why people would tell you those things, but I think such things simply aren't true, and it's probably best to try not to read too much significance in them. Maybe some people were judging you based on what they interpreted as displaying a lack of direct emotional reciprocity (you seem very understanding to me though, so to me that is odd people would think that ). In the long run however, if you are genuine and caring person, then there's no reason people won't see that unless they are judgmental beyond reason.

I looked at this thread and realized that I haven't really answered your question. What I would do in your case is to probably just say straight up that you do experience compassion for other people, and that it's not that you don't care about other people at all. When people accuse you of being "selfish", ask them how you're supposed to be able to express it. Chances are, they will not even know what they expect from you in particular, because it's so much of an instinct to them. If they mention something and you know that it's something that doesn't come naturally to you, it doesn't hurt to say that straight up. That way, they'll be aware of what's really going on inside your mind.

I'd like to second what everybody's saying, that you sound like a very courteous, attentive person. The fact that you obviously care tells me it probably isn't as bad as they're making it, and they're probably reading into little things you do that they themselves are more guilty of.

I wish I could be there and observe you. Then I would either explain what I thought you were doing wrong, or validate you in your efforts. It would probaly just confirm my suspicion, that they're making a big deal out of nothing.

Would like to thank y’all for replying. And it appears I know more people on WP than I had previously thought. *waves out*. You are all definitely a warm and caring bunch yourselves.

NotMathGirl, asking isn’t usually necessary, barrages of options are often suggested (at least by the one who is judgmental beyond reason). “You could do this, you could do that, try this, try that.” They are all unfamiliar and unnatural. Having people confront me instead of tiptoe around or making assumptions is nice and does give something to work with. Thanking someone when they are angry with you is often awkward though, cheese cake will be on the menu tonight.  Hopefully one person will figure out the gesture.

Lacking compassion isn’t necessarily where I was going so much as lacking reciprocation. If there is a new baby in the family there are things that are expected in the social familiar ritual, these things are a complete mystery. What are these things? (Rhetorical question) Nottaklu. “Congratulations” is about all that comes to mind and it is like saying “Please” and “Thank You”. Finding chat after that is like listening to a field of crickets in my brain.

Flybirdfly, Direct emotional reciprocity is one thing but the emotional reciprocity is often not offered back directly even after periods of processing. There’s a new baby and.... yes, it’s awesome and exciting and if there’s anything needs doing, just ask, seriously spell-it-out ... but after that *shrug*. On the other hand a new kitten would evoke giggles, tickles, rolling on the floor with the new creature and stalking it around the house with excess enthusiasm. People are a complete mystery.

The thing about this that is worrisome is it’s not nothing. It is something expected everywhere in order to function, even by people on the spectrum. Nodding and smiling may be half the battle but sometimes people give off so many different emotions, gestures, movements, inferences that my body and mind start ticking out and my systems crash. (This is part of the reason being around people on the spectrum is easier – there is, sometimes, less non-verbal language, or only non-verbal language and no verbal language, either-or). Faking it or learning to understand it enough to function is possible but not all the time.

This is most likely where a diagnosis would come in handy but my bets are that the people this bothers the most will approach the innate nature of it with the same attitude. It would help validate and expand any explanation (not excuse).

And NotMathGirl, sometimes what’s going on inside my mind is difficult to share because there is a lot of nonsense going along with the not-nonsense. People tend to get caught up on the nonsense or the not-nonsense isn’t acceptable to share with the people.

Thank you again, there are things said in this thread that need to be processed and it’s nice knowing that I don’t come across cold to at least you folk.

See if you can get more across with words. Telling someone you care is a lot easier than trying to figure out exactly what subtle facial and body movements indicate caring. Actions are similar; helping somebody out with something material is harder to miss as a sign of caring. For example, around here (USA) it's traditional to bring food to someone who has just had a major negative life event, to try to cheer them up and because they generally are too tired and overwhelmed to cook. If you can figure out which actions symbolize caring, you can focus on those.

Also, remember to keep a good stock of phrases that will reassure people you care about them. NTs like to have them repeated, because it's customary to repeat them relatively often as long as they're true. Examples include "thank you", "I love you" (for romantic partners), "I really appreciate this", "you're fun to hang out with." Vary the wording or it will sound formulaic.

I guess it's not always compassion, but it could be. Emotional reciprocity would be a better word for it. As I wrote the other message, I was playing the specific situations that would relate to what you wrote, but I don't always end up picking the right word to describe the situation. When someone suggests all these options to you, what I would do is that I start dissecting them and questioning their meaning. I ask, are these options really worth the time and energy they would take? It would be helpful, though, if you could tell me specifically what kinds of options people give you, so that I could provide specific feedback. Also, thanking someone when they're angry with you might actually make them less angry with you, so it's worth a try. Is the cheesecake reference for me? I think I vaguely understand what you mean by it.

I wonder what people's reaction would be when you describe to them how this kind of chat makes you feel. It's all emotion, nonverbal content-based. That's where the empathy component comes in - the phrases by themselves don't make much sense, it's all about the emotions. That's why the verbal message sounds like jibberish, if the verbal message is the only thing you can work with. I just say what's in my mind most of the time, unless I really make the effort not to. There may be very, very few things that are simply rude and should thus not be said, but the majority of it is just fact-based and logical. Ideally, these things being said should not evoke emotional responses from people, but apparently sometimes they do. Just thinking about it hurts my brain... ugh.

And about appearing "cold" and "distant"... I think I remember you mentioning in our group how other people see you as having a warm personality and as being a good conversationalist. I am fairly convinced you said that, because I remember perceiving that clearly, unless I wasn't processing you correctly and drifting around in my head.

Posting an updated reply to this, specifically in regards to bubbles of context. There was one person in particular that said this, and well just a reminder to my past self - don't take things personally, the person who said this was triggered emotionally with something from their own past. For some reason they take it out on others, get past the moments of emotion and the other side is the deepest respect. The person who said this is deeply dear and while the emotional abuse does not negate itself when time has passed, it leaves an indelible mark, there is a lesson to be learned, we may not be able to change who we are but we can surround ourselves with those who encourage us to become our best.

Sending out some love to all my WP and RL friends and family for being who are they to their core and showing by example what it means to be the best sort of person in this world. Love you all and thank you.