Forceful adaptation? what to do

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I tend to internalize my issues in that, while I may appear odd I do not appear to have any outward problems (aside from looking aloof and a little rude at times).

This once again surfaced today when I went to talk to a SPED teacher about something. And I have a very large personal space and she apparently had no definable personal space because she proceeds to stand right next to me while I am talking to her (to the point where I could ask her if there was anything in my nose, and she would be able to correctly answer and I could smell her breath). So I started thinking immediately if I should move back or ask her to move back and what would be the probability that she would be offended, and then I kept trying to not freak out because she was so close, and then I started getting irritated because she teaches special ed and I presume she would know better than to stand so close to people (since many sped kids also have personal space desires).

But. I forced myself to stand there and not move or say anything during the entire conversation. Of course I was so stressed that my voice started to waver (which means I sounded like I was going to cry, even though I wasn't).

should I have moved or asked her to move? or was what I did a correct adaptation to the situation even if it was forced and very awkward?

Either she was an idiot or she was testing you. In either case I would have rudely made her aware of her attitude. But that’s me saying this after 52 years of experience. I don’t know what I would have done if I were 25.

Asking her to move before trying to move back a couple of times first would seem to me the wrong way round. Asking them to move back is more risky than moving yourself back, so is better as a second option.

It is unfortunate, but doing nothing may have been the most adaptable thing to do in such a situation (if there is a high priority/necessity to blend in) as long as you do not have to face it regularly. Their reactions are too unpredictable... many would readily take offense whereas a few would not. If a situation like you described became regular, I'd want to take action. Tho' all I'm usually able to do is freeze.

That's happened to me. Here's what I did;

Eyebrows UP. ACTUAL aloof look on face (if they thought the neutral look was aloof . . .) extend hand, place on offending chest, push gently backward, while saying; "I can't focus on you--my eyes are really bad and I don't have my glasses. Do you mind?" In a syrupy sweet voice, laden with subtle undertones of menace.

They had no idea what to do. Completely by surprise.

And they can't complain. My eyes really are bad. I do wear glasses, but never carry them out the door.

I am more aggressive than most, however. This method might not work for you.

sort of along exile's line of thought:

next time, you could ask her 'genuinely interested'
how those special education refresher classes are going...

this might require some rehearsal,
and some investigating of various comebacks to various responses

I am not sure I understand what you are saying.

I normally just say "I'm sorry, you're a little too close." then I move back a little myself.

Most of the time people say "oh, sorry." and then they just keep on talking.

What i understood out of it was:

Next time, ask the teacher how the special ed classes are going, make sure you sound sincere and actually interested (dont really have to be though). It might take some rehearsal to make it sound realistic, make sure to think of comebacks to what she says.

In no way so i see the similarity to this and exiles post, i dunno, maybe try to sneak away while asking the question, or hope she leads you into another area.


My suggestion, just take a huge breath and let it go in her general direction, most people have bad breath, that should push her away

maybe I should cough and feign sickness

I have been through this sort of thing so many times, and have so often said nothing for fear of insulting the other person. Sometimes, I would move back a bit, but that didn't really help much of the time, because it felt like retreat, which only increased my feelings of powerlessness. After awhile, I just couldn't think straight and would be checking out the proper time to make a quick exit.

After 40+ years of letting people crowd me, I've learned to be gentle but persistent and direct about this sort of thing. When it happens now, I will say, in a firm but quiet voice, "You know, in order to really hear you, I need a little more space between us. When someone is too close, I find it difficult to listen and converse. It's nothing personal." If the person can't stop talking long enough to listen to me, I just say, "Excuse me, I need to interrupt you for a moment," and then repeat what I said.

You'd be amazed at the results. It isn't just Aspies who benefit from direct statements. And when you tell someone you want to be able to listen to them properly, it's quite disarming, because you've made yourself their ally, and they generally respond well to it.

You have the right at all times to defend your personal space. I generally don't let anyone come within an arm's length of me if they want to have a conversation.

But I wouldn't be rude or sarcastic about it. The person you're describing definitely has personal space issues, and who knows why? Something isn't quite right there. The best thing to do, in my opinion, is to work around it.

(1) I think the body language for "you're standing too close to me" is to have your hips turned slightly away from the person (signaling your need to walk away and the fact that you are on the brink of doing so), your upper body should be rotated away from the direction of your hips and toward her so that your shoulders are almost facing her squarely (signaling that you are having to force yourself to halt your flight and face her), and you're upper body is leaning backward slightly, your head titled back away from her (signaling your need to put distance between her face and yours). Your posture should be almost like someone taken aback or arrested in mid-step or on the brink of walking away from her.

(2) That particular body language posture indicates that you want to vacate the space you are occupying and that if she comes any closer you might move away. The benefit to the hips rotated away body language is that if she doesn't move away, you can turn your hips to face her fully if she keeps engaging you for a while, as if to get more comfortable, and as you do so you can take a step away from her. When you turn to face her fully, you can cross your arms (barring her from entry) and/or have your feet planted about shoulder length apart, signaling a more closed, assertive stance that indicates (on the animal level) that you're prepared to defend your space.

Looming closely to someone unconsciously is a bad social missteps. There are 2 reasons why she would be looming over you: (1) she is trying too hard to get closer to you and into your head (clumsily), and (2) she is trying to be dominating and controlling. If she is being (1), then posture (1) should take care of her because her need to be closer to you will be triggered by your imminent flight and she should move away or at least lean back so you won't flee. If she is being (2) you are essentially in a body language face off and you have to keep up your space and assertive stance and not let her make you smaller as she looms over you.

She could be doing these things consciously or subconsciously. If she is doing it subconsciously, that's a sign that she doesn't have great social skills herself and may need you to be reassuring (if she's needy) or assertive (if she's controlling). Either way she's got some kind of issue (neediness or controlling personality). The worse her social skills are, the less I would read "issues" into her behavior, but she might need some help from you to try to make a working relationship. If she feels out of control in the relationship, well, that's not great for you because she is the one doing the grading.

>>"After 40+ years of letting people crowd me, I've learned to be gentle but persistent and direct about this sort of thing. When it happens now, I will say, in a firm but quiet voice, "You know, in order to really hear you, I need a little more space between us. When someone is too close, I find it difficult to listen and converse. It's nothing personal." If the person can't stop talking long enough to listen to me, I just say, "Excuse me, I need to interrupt you for a moment," and then repeat what I said."

That's great advice, too.

I wish I could just force myself to ignore the person forcing themselves on my personal space. unfortunately I can't so I'd just keep stepping back or otherwise escaping the closeness. I know it might be considered rude but meh.

Don't touch their chest if they are female especially if you are male. but otherwise... hehe

I agree with you. When I was in high school I had SPED teachers try to "test" my social skills in certain ways like that, what I feel is it's like a bully playing mind games with someone they know they can hold advantage over.

Sometimes, when people touch me, or get that close to me. It makes me want to jump out of my skin. Most of the time I don't say anything. But, if it is a prolonged conversation, and backing away doesn't help, I might say something. Especially since she's a special ed teacher, she went to school to understand these things. I'd say please - isn't that always considered polite?