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30Guy
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26 Nov 2008, 10:50 pm

Any of you guys ever get so lonely it's almost crippling? This isn't a 'fishing for sympathy' thread just wondering.

I think people with Aspergers, as my therapist put it, 'are very comfortable being on their own' which is probably true of me, but sometimes...

Maybe I'm just getting old and soft but sometimes if I watch a romantic film or something touching on tv it's all I can do to stop myself from crying spontaneously because I've never felt what I've just watched on tv. I spend so much time keeping myself hidden, etc. I'm almost never intimate with anyone, physically or emotionally.

It's hard finding people you can relate to when you have Aspergers isn't it? How do you guys cope?

Maybe you can tell I've just watched a romantic film and burst out crying, nobody's around so it's ok.

Not asking anyone to feel sorry for me, just wondering.

Cheers guys & hope you're well :D



ForsakenEagle
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26 Nov 2008, 10:54 pm

Ever since my hormones really started to kick in around the age of 17. I just try to remember I have important things to do, but even if you pretend the boulder on your back isn't there, it is still heavy.



Warsie
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26 Nov 2008, 10:56 pm

30Guy wrote:
Any of you guys ever get so lonely it's almost crippling? This isn't a 'fishing for sympathy' thread just wondering.


yes I have actually.

Quote:
I think people with Aspergers, as my therapist put it, 'are very comfortable being on their own' which is probably true of me,


same for me.

Quote:
Maybe I'm just getting old and soft but sometimes if I watch a romantic film or something touching on tv it's all I can do to stop myself from crying spontaneously because I've never felt what I've just watched on tv. I spend so much time keeping myself hidden, etc. I'm almost never intimate with anyone, physically or emotionally.


well watching some Animes, for example Elfen Lied or Gundam Seed have made me sad to a certain extent, ESPECIALLY some of Elfen Lied

Quote:
It's hard finding people you can relate to when you have Aspergers isn't it?


arguably, yes. Then again there's these forums and meeting fellow people at cons and the like

Quote:
How do you guys cope?


internet and cons


Quote:
Cheers guys & hope you're well :D


YAY ^_^


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26 Nov 2008, 11:07 pm

Yes, I feel that way. I'm kind of feeling that way now.



30Guy
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26 Nov 2008, 11:13 pm

Are 'cons' conventions?

I'm beginning to think I need more help i.e. I found a new therapist not far from me who specialises in Aspergers so I might go and see her.

I just need to get my head round this whole thing, sometimes I feel like I'm gonna burst out in tears in front of people; then how would I explain it?!

I heard about 'sensory overload' and think I get that sometimes, but this whole thing of us not being very good at empathising and socialising in general - does this mean I'll never find someone I can love or who will love me back unconditionally? It seems increasingly unlikely now I'm a 'broken person'.

I had resigned myself to being alone for the rest of my life, if I was lucky I thought I might have sex once in a while, but had given up on emotional intimacy because of all this AS crap.

I would say the majority of women/couples get together ultimately to start a family or at least when ladies get to my age their biological clock starts going and then start thinking about children (sorry to stereotype, no offence meant). Who would want me when they know there's a high chance our kids would be on the spectrum or have some other closely related problem?

Or if I did find someone special who didn't want kids, at what point would I tell them I have AS? Or if I tried dating someone else who has AS what sort of disfunctional couple would we be?

Sometimes it just seems better to be by myself, but then the loneliness starts... (violins please).



Droopy
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26 Nov 2008, 11:31 pm

30Guy wrote:
Any of you guys ever get so lonely it's almost crippling? This isn't a 'fishing for sympathy' thread just wondering.

I think people with Aspergers, as my therapist put it, 'are very comfortable being on their own' which is probably true of me, but sometimes...

Maybe I'm just getting old and soft but sometimes if I watch a romantic film or something touching on tv it's all I can do to stop myself from crying spontaneously because I've never felt what I've just watched on tv. I spend so much time keeping myself hidden, etc. I'm almost never intimate with anyone, physically or emotionally.

It's hard finding people you can relate to when you have Aspergers isn't it? How do you guys cope?


Well I've tried marriage and have kids but am now divorced and my kids are grown so I feel the way you do a lot. I'm okay alone 95% of the time but that other 5% kills me and I feel really lonely and too alone. I have one friend who doesn't like to go anywhere, she has young kids and a husband and is busy with them and what's worse is she seems to only really enjoy talking to me through emails even though she lives 5 minutes away.

It seems like when I meet someone I like, male or female, I either get tired of them and find them annoying or with males, I act so goofy and retarded and screw up I end up pushing them away.

Sometimes it really, really sucks having AS. I wish I had someone who was at least willing to do things with me when I wanted company.



30Guy
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26 Nov 2008, 11:43 pm

Thanks Droopy, I guess I'm not alone.

I haven't even told my parents yet as I think it'd really hurt them - my bro has OCD and they went through hell with that whole thing so that's another reason why I hide my Aspergers away/hide myself away.

I have social anxiety but that doesn't mean I don't want friends or someone special, everyone needs someone there for them, just a hug would be nice.

Sometimes I have this fantasy (based on a random movie clip I saw years ago) where I live in a city and work long hours and have my own apartment, and I come home late at night after a hard days graft and my girlfriend has made a special effort to come over and chat to me, except she fell asleep in my bed wearing one of my old checkered/wrangler-type shirts. Which makes it all worthwhile - the crap job, the s**t day, the late night, etc. just because I know she was thinking of me even though she fell asleep.

I'm still a virgin at 30 but am good looking (sort of) and am not that bothered about sex anymore, just would be nice to have someone or at least feel that uncontrollable love between you and someone else just once in life. This Aspergers is making it increasingly unlikely though. Sometimes I feel like if I was a famous actor then people (women) would love me unconditionally because of my movies even though I have AS, or something else which gives me loads of fame or fortune, but then I'd only attract materialistic girls I guess.

Anyway, thanks for sharing, this place is like my sanctuary :D



cdc2001c
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27 Nov 2008, 12:06 am

In your post you almost described me exactly, I am about to turn thirty myself and I am still a virgin as well. I just cant bring myself to get close enough to a woman. I feel more comfortable by my self most of the time, but sometimes, I just long for a loving relationship. I watch movies, listen to some songs, and I just feel bad because I have never had anything like that for myself. Just dont feel alone in your situation because you are not.



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27 Nov 2008, 12:29 am

I know how you feel. I feel profoundly lonely all the time. It has nothing to do with whom you are with although being with people like a spouse or an offspring certainly helps. I believe that some people simply don’t have an inner voice or consciousness or facet (or what ever you want to call it) to their psyche to keep them company and prevent them from feeling lonely. I am one of those people. It might help if I could get to know some aspies in person, but it’s not like we have it written on our foreheads. Some of the things that I do to cope are as follows:

Not necessarily in this order.

Play on-line role playing adventure games.
Talk to myself non-vocally.
Get drunk.
Work, preferably a physical fast paced job where you don’t have time to think.
Watch a real good movie that keeps my mind busy.



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27 Nov 2008, 12:37 am

^ I find when I'm drunk the loneliness just gets worse.
A good book takes my mind off things though because I get so into the story.



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27 Nov 2008, 1:35 am

I have the same problem. I made friends more easily when I was younger. I had some friends in college but now I’ve moved to a different city and they’ve fallen off the face of the face of the earth for all I know.

For some reason adult NT's are really hard to get close to. They’re all about the tedious social formalities. The number of light conversation topics is very limited for me because I don’t know, I guess I’m boring. I like people that just kind of spill their guts and talk about anything, but it’s nearly impossible to find people like that. I wish I could do that but I’m not good at being the first one. Maybe the small talkers are like this too, they do the small talk to try to feel me out but it just never goes anywhere.

I’m also asexual which sucks for me. I see a lot of people get hurt by failed relationships though. Perhaps the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. At least that’s what I tell myself.



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27 Nov 2008, 2:53 am

I think I sometimes become lonely, I guess. I am a feminine female and I want to have a bf...I should try harder but it's just very hard. And I'm shy.

I don't regard you as being melodramatic either.


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noahveil23
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27 Nov 2008, 3:21 am

marshall wrote:
I have the same problem. I made friends more easily when I was younger. I had some friends in college but now I’ve moved to a different city and they’ve fallen off the face of the face of the earth for all I know.

For some reason adult NT's are really hard to get close to. They’re all about the tedious social formalities.


This is very very true. The window for people to naturally and spontaneously form attachments fall off very rapidly when most (99%) of people hit their thirties. They will lose friends but not make them. There is a basic neuro-chemical reason for this.

Most people leave college (or their college years as the case may be) with a fixed number of friends and then more or less blow through these as they age. Humans are simply not "programmed" to bond with strangers after a certain point in their lives.

There are exceptions. Women have a short window for bonding that opens and closes around the birth of each of their children. They may not bond with anyone other than the child but they are potentially more "open". Also people who suffer devastating loss may be able to bond with others at the time of their crisis out of sheer survival necessity.

Cults and cult-like organizations know this (either explicitly, and consciously or on an intuitive level, if they have any game at all). That is why you see groups like the sci*^&%$ogists sending "missionaries" to places like Louisiana after Katrina. They Know that people who would otherwise be unapproachable will be highly vulnerable to exploitation in the wake of a devastating loss. You also see this on the evening news constantly when victims bond with their "rescuers" (cops, firemen, EMT, or random passerby) from their hospital bed.
They will swear undying devotion to their savior while still in a body cast, and truly mean it. They may actually form life long attachments around a "rescue" episode.

If you wish to use this human tendency to "make friends" volunteer somewhere people in crisis are served. Also if you want to make friends with a girl, get a puppy and go to a dog-park. Their natural imprint vulnerability will be cued by the "cute" puppy and you, as the "care-taker", may be able to coat-tail, or puppy tail.

This may sound very cold-hearted, but it's really not. If you want to relate to a person, it really helps to be seen publically caring for either other humans in very real need, or actually loving and caring for a pet. Then you don't just leave it up to the world's imagination. People can actually see you in action, caring and helping.

Personally I adore nurses and veterinarians. How can you not?


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richardbenson
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27 Nov 2008, 3:37 am

im lonely all the freaking time. i think thats why i used to drink so much because it just gave me company. i had a few beers tonite and quickly relised why i hate the stuff so much. it isnt a person! i need to make some friends but my obsessions get in the way for now


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dougn
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28 Nov 2008, 7:01 pm

Sometimes I do feel very lonely. However, I think I have a far higher tolerance for being alone for extended periods of time than most people.



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28 Nov 2008, 7:48 pm

OP, I don't know if you're familiar with the analogy of bucket/cup... anyway, it says that if NTs have a bucket to be filled, wich represents the need for social contact, we have a cup. supposedly.

personally, I think we all , both NTs and ASes, just want to be heard. the mistake that we *all* make, no matter what our neurological profile might be, is not listening to what the other party has to say.

I think we can make great relationships, ASes and NTs mixed, in whatever configuration, as long as we listen carefully to what the other party has to say. don't be considering yourself abnormal- you're just unique. you have no idea how many women would go for that!


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