If you don't look like an "Aspie"

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(The issues I am about to raise are not intended to offend anyone)

A brief overview of myself: I am a tall, athletic (one of my obsessions), black man who plays the saxophone (the other obsession) and completing my postgraduate studies. By my own admission the shallow world would not think of me as looking like an Aspie. (I know there is no Aspie look)

My issue is that people see me more like a ghetto-fabulous rapper than an academic (I wear plain- regular fit jeans and t-shirt every day, so this has nothing to do with clothing) This is causing me a lot of stress as you can imagine. When meeting a female (on a romantic level) I think they get disappointed when the ticket says "trip on a rocket ship to Pluto," when in fact the offer is only "a sailing boat across your local lake" (I am the boring local lake- sorry I have a thing about analogies)

I sometimes wish I could look the way I feel cognitively! I am socially inept, I don't like crowds I was diagnosed with Asperges' last year , but have a unknowingly developed coping strategies which have enabled me to function in society fairly successfully. However when forging a meaningful relationship, my coping strategies, and rules I have learned fall flat on their face. The usual scenarios are that females don't call back or just go behind my back and run off with someone else.

I don't understand why this is happening to me! I'm sure I am not the only person to have this issue. It would be nice to know that I'm not the only one who gets problem in the world.

Welcome!

Unfortunately, the average person likes to use labels to determine who a another person is. I do not understand what it means when people say "you don't look autistic." I guess they expect a down syndrome-like effect when they think of autism (since most automatically assume autism = ret*d).

Anyways, hope you enjoy this website. Saxophone, eh? That is cool. I play the trombone (plus baritone and guitar).

As you stated yourself, there is no 'Aspie look'. AS is a hidden disability which isn't apparant simply by glancing at a person. Yet it's been proven that people form first impressions very quickly and based often solely on the visual data of appearance before a word is even uttered.

Basically, as you've learned, no one can glance at you and tell you have AS or indeed any problems (unless you happen to be displaying very overt behaviours at the time). Therefore, if your appearance meets, or even selectively meets, an ingrained stereotype, people will make assumptions based on that stereotype.

My personal solution is to go against stereotypes completely. It's not enough to just be an 'ordinary' person. If I make myself stand out, even just a little, then it's harder for people to catagorize me or try to fit me into one of their neat little boxes. I'm not talking about doing anything outrageous, but simply presenting a slightly unusual and/or eccentric appearance. I'm not advocating dying your hair pink or getting 50 facial piercings! Just subtly portraying your individuality can make a huge difference.

I'm very into Sonic the Hedgehog, so I usually wear a Sonic t-shirt, which is slightly rare especially for an 'adult'. I also like to wear dog-tags and/or my aviation jacket and pilot goggles around my neck. People KNOW that I'm a little odd/unusual at a glance, so if they do still want to engage me in conversation, it's much more likely that they'll accept me for who/what I am and not be disappointed.

<sigh> I'm really glad to hear an attractive Aspie is doing well in his post-graduate work. I'm going to go have a good cry now... (just kidding). I had a rough time in the academic environment, myself.

I think that there's a thread in the Love & Dating section, about seeing what people look like. Maybe that would be a good place to insert a picture, if you like.

I think that the problems where beautiful and attractive Aspies are having issues with the college girls that gather around him, isn't a popular theme. In general, the plight of the attractive Aspies isn't one of the top sympathy pulls here.

There was another thread last week in Love & Dating "Um. How do I get college girls to stop following me" or something like that. That was pretty interesting, and people were offering advice to help discourage that Aspie's fans.

As far as advice, it seems as if you have plenty of opportunity to work on social skills, since you draw the girls and have dates, etc. So perhaps it's just a matter of keep up the social skills development effort and they will catch up with your appearance eventually? But you already have big plusses, and they will only improve with time and age!

Good luck.

Wow you guys were quick with your responses!
However I must clarify that my Asperges is a secret, so only my parents and 2 guys know as even when i told my closest friend he didn't know how to take it. So my problem is that though I may to look like a socially astute man, they may as well throw a baby into the social jungle that is the adult world. And this is what causes distress.

With regards to getting dates. It's like wining the lottery everytime (Not many times I hasten to add) then someone saying "only joking" and taking it away.

My coping strategy is: Study psychology/ Body Language theory: By understanding all he rules of why and how the brain works you, gain a mechanical understanding of social interaction.
It is not as fluid an understanding as NT but it's better than most of our innate social abilities. This is the reason why when it comes to relationships I'm screwed because there are just too many variables and rules to consider and it's like being in a crowded place (you know like a nightclub and all those other places most of us hate being because of the sensory overload) but with one person.
I suppose that is the limitation of my coping strategy.

I don't like giving advise as it is not fool-proof but that's how I have coped all this time.

I don't think there's a "look" for the spectrum. When I told one of my profs this year she kind of looked at me weird and said

"Yeah, but didn't you try out for the gymnastics team and almost make it?"

What? Like I have to be some stumbling jackass because I have it? Now I know motor uncoordination is one of the traits but just because I can do a back handspring doesn't mean anything.

Pffft.

(I still don't get how she knew)

You're right, there is no Aspie look, but there is an abundance of stereotypes, many of which I am working myself out of on a daily basis. It's a bit hard to be diagnosed with AS as an adult and have to re-program my brain to realize that most autists are people just like...me. That's why this website is so great. Whatever junk I've imbibed in my total ignorance to this point gets blown away on a regular basis.

I don't know whether this will help, because my situation is a little different than yours (i.e. I'm married with a kid and stepkids), but....I only recently found out I have AS, so when I was younger, the big stumbling block for me was being an abuse survivor. I figured if anyone knew about it, they'd have all kinds of stereotypes about what I'd be like (man-hating, abusive, etc.) when I was so different from their stereotype. After a few short years of trying to hide it, I went in the opposite direction: full disclosure, from the outset. It tended to weed out the faint of heart, if you know what I mean. Plus, I got to see some great films and read some great books rather than going out on lots of first dates that went nowhere.

Anyway, hope this helps some...

My coping strategies are just for day-to-day life. If I had a coping strategy for relationships I wouldn't be in this distress.
I think my choice of women is good. My last one was training to be a social worker and was absolutely stunning (in an elegant way) but now she wont return my messages regarding meeting up again, and she asked me out!! !! !! !!

mitharatowen- does your husband realise that when he calls us "ret*ds he's calling you one too?" (assuming you are an aspie as well)
I am not an aggressive guy -but I think he needs to meet my friend "PAIN" (ha ha ha just kidding)

Thanks guys for your posts as I feel much better now!