I'm tired....I feel I want to give up now.

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Last edited by Old_Soul on 12 Dec 2008, 12:25 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Old Soul do not give up. We all have our weight to carry. I too remember things about my childhood. I have also been misunderstood. I also have felt the same way you do. This is part of AS.I hope you find help, and I wish you luck.

This thought occupies my mind constantly. You're def. not alone, if that helps. I only have a job and people who let me think they are my friend cause they know I am a push over and will never refuse to do them favors. They think i'm just naive and easy to manipulate, when I'm not, I just do it cause any interaction is better than none, even if it is me putting myself out there as a patsy.

What does it mean to be a concert master? That similar to a conductor?

There are thousands upon thousands of people on this Earth, I'm sure there has to be at least one out there who will like you. Those of us at Wrongplanet like you, and accept you. That has to be about a thousand of people at least right there.

you can say (almost) anything you want here -
oh, and i'm not really sure as to the 'deleting' rights of mods

but you may rest assured: YOU shall not be deleted

your post might be moved to the HAVEN because that is a 'less public'
place where many of us feel more at ease in sharing thoughts&feelings like yours - but it won't - you are not alone

welcome, & please...... enjoy

ps: "i wish i was born a thousand years ago"

Before I say anything else, please know I understand where you're coming from. I've been through much of what you're describing. What seems to be most important is to learn how to like yourself. It doesn't sound like you do. Once you become your own best friend, it won't matter so much if no one else likes you. I'm not saying life isn't made better by knowing others like you. I'm just saying life is worth living when you enjoy who you are.

Once you allow yourself to become a friend with who you are (enjoying your positive traits---> every human being has them), you should begin to notice a turn-around. Then you can enjoy yourself by giving who you are to others and multiply the joy of life by doing so.

Last edited by faithfilly on 10 Dec 2008, 11:02 pm, edited 3 times in total.

I lost my interest in music earlier, so I didn't have any real achievements there. I decided to drop college. I kept a job in computers. Although I am on a diet, I am eating. Thought I am either at work or home, I am out of bed. I have never been that scared, but I remember how I was when I was younger, and seeing monsters in the shadows in the dark. Otherwise, you described MY life and feelings! Sometimes I wish I could do what some people did in old twilight zone episodes, and just jump into my memories. Some are NICE! MAN, the little things you remember.

I remember the little nickle wax bottles. I remember an interesting cake that, though you actually mixed it with VINEGAR, it tasted GOOD! I remember when I got a REAL pinball machine. I remember when I drove around the area on my bicycle that had a nice little radio. I remember coming down EARLY in the morning on Christmas to see what I got, opening the door on easter to see the candy that was left, etc.... I remember making brownies, and mint chip icecream. I can still TASTE them, though that was like 40 years ago! I EVEN remember liking braunschweiger, bit o honey, abbazabba. TODAY, I like none of that. I remember my first beer at 8yo, I like it better now. Who knows, maybe THAT is the fun of life, doing things for your spouse, and kids, and living through THEIR joy. Alas, I have neither. Well, you have made me feel a bit better. Maybe I have helped YOU also. THANKS!

I remember this feeling... it was diagnosed as major depression... today I am OK and feeling a lot more alive and capable. When you don't get out of bed and you can't eat and you don't sleep properly, it has gone too far not to look for help. Start with your family doctor, ask for a referral. You don't have to drag yourself out of bed to use the phone. Collect your energy to make the phone call for a while, but you should be able to do it.

BTW. This stuff does go away. Even naturally, it tends to be self-limiting... but going to a doctor can make it a lot shorter and a lot less dangerous. If you have stopped eating, it is probably already dangerous. At the very least, get water and vitamins into yourself. That should keep you out of the hospital.

Your circumstances suck... problem is, you need your energy and your mind to address them. This is possible, incidentally, to recover and to get yourself back; I know because I have done it. At the moment you will probably need to concentrate on figuring out how to break out of this... it cannot be done by will power; but if you can influence your thoughts, you can influence your feelings; get a counselor who treats you with respect to teach you this. You may need medication--probably will be recommended to you, in any case--and it can give you the edge you need to shorten an episode of depression by a LONG way...

I thought I was at a dead end myself because I had been kicked out of college and hadn't any money left; and after that I got kicked out of my apartment and I thought I was going to be homeless... Funny thing was, once I started to recover from the depression I also got back enough of my brain to work on those problems... I'm back in college now, actually, but years later; that's what happens when you don't address this stuff ASAP--you lose time out of your life.

I have been in that hole before and it's awful, so I feel for you. You also desperately need to get some help. Call your dr to get a referral to a therapist ASAP.

Wanting more for self creates depression. Giving more of self creates joy.

That's kind of... trite.

And it doesn't work if you're already deeply depressed. You've got to get SOME energy back before you can start giving to others (which DOES lift your mood but is not a cure-all if you can't get out of bed). Getting a dog helps about as much (but I do recommend it, if you like dogs, because a dog really doesn't care if you're a lump of a depressive sitting in bed; he'll snuggle with you anyway.)

True, besides how can you give to anyone else if you have nothing to give? You need to make things better for yourself before you can give to anyone.

Well, technically you are giving to others by getting yourself well; because if you didn't, you couldn't help anyone anyhow.

Not that doing volunteer work or some such isn't a great idea for depression, once you're capable of it. Once you start pulling out of your depression, I highly recommend it--purposeful activity of that sort is extremely useful in convincing your emotions that you are in fact a worthwhile person, because you are doing something useful and needed. Helps with self esteem, and you get a double bonus because it helps some other human being too (or it helps animals--you could try an animal shelter).

A lot of this stuff people recommend to people with depression--play wit your dog, take walks, talk to a friend, etc.--even if it is quite useless for treating active major depression, is really good for maintenance--after you start to get back on your feet, when you want to gain coping skills and stop another episode before it starts. The second you are capable of doing so, start putting things in place that keep you from getting caught again.

I took up violin, well, actually fiddle when I was 52 years old. I imagine you know something of what I'm up against. There's a very good probability that I'll never be good on the thing.

I've also taken up banjo and mandolin as backup instruments because there's always going to be people better than me on the fiddle, but then

there's always going to be people better than me on the banjo and mandolin too.

But here's the thing of it, I'll never know how good I can be at anything unless I give it an honest try
and what more, even if I'm never any good at it, its the trying that matters most for me.

We only actually live in the present. The here and now is what we are.

That is really profound and inspiring.
Thanks, faith'.

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Last edited by Old_Soul on 12 Dec 2008, 7:25 am, edited 2 times in total.