Father unaware of son being AS may affect son's inheritance

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My estranged husband and I strongly believe he is AS. He doesn't want to get a formal diagnosis because he doesn't think it will make much difference at this stage.

I suggested that he tell his father and aunt (his aunt helped raise him as a child) of his self-diagnosis because his family has no clue as to what is going on with him and is very worried and so hurt by what he does. My husband is oblivious to how his actions affect other people. He does what he wants and thinks that his family surely doesn't care. He says he knows his family thinks he's weird and is an oddball (which they do and which does not stop them from loving him), so anything he does by now is okay to them because surely, being an oddball, they won't be surprised by anything he does at this stage. In fact, they would expect nothing less.

I think the above is a BS answer because he is using his "oddity" and his "difference" as an excuse for hurtful actions.

Anyway, he says that he doesn't want to let his father know about him being AS because he thinks that his father may be AS as well and my husband doesn't want his dad to worry that he might be, too, at his age. After learning a bit more about AS, I don't think my father would qualify as being officially AS although I do see some traits in him. (My husband is of a different opinion.)

As an aside, my father in law is a wonderful man and one of the best things that happened in my marriage is of meeting him and having him as my second dad. Whatever happens to my marriage at this stage, I hope my relationship with my father in law won't be a casualty of it.

My father in law is a self-made man and although he is not a millionaire by any means, he is financially comfortable now. My husband is his only child and as such, stands to inherit everything when his father dies. However, his son's actions in the past year, I suspect, has got my father in law rethinking whether to leave his son anything in his will. Ever since my husband left our home, he has lived like a free-wheeling bachelor and has been living off his savings with no money coming in in return. He has been unemployed since the middle of 2007. He spends close to $1,500 a month in rent and utilities. I don't know how much more he spends on food, fun things for him, and on his young friends who seem to be his obsession at the moment.

To make a long story short, should I try and approach my husband again about telling his father he's AS and hopefully get his father to understand his son. My father in law has told me that his son has never communicated with him, from a very young age up to now so he doesn't know what has been going on in his son's head for a long time now. My husband, on the other hand, is so convinced that he has this really fantastic relationship with his dad.

I love my husband and have not lost faith that he will find a job eventually. He's a smart man. However, I also know that being AS prevents a lot of people from finding and staying in long-term, much less fulfilling, jobs. I'm afraid that when his savings run out, that there will be nothing there from his dad to help him out. I really hope that his father does not cut him off, but the longer his dad has no explanation for why his son is the way he is, the higher the chances of him being cut off.

What would you do in this situation?

Well, I am CERTAINLY ***FAR*** from an expert, but here is what *I* would do.

1. Investigate your husbands past. Did he ALWAYS act like this? NT kids probably generally start or get worse as teenagers. AS people would start earlier. If he started later, I would leave it alone.
2. Does he meet most of the AS criteria? If not, I would leave it alone.
3. If you made it to THIS point, take the evidence, and bring it to his family. Just explain to them that he is very different and this is merely a symptom.

In the words of a great wise man, "Fuggeddabouddit!"

He is your estranged husband - likely soon to be your ex-husband. If you and he are no longer married when/if he receives his inheritance, you are not likely to collect any share of it.

But if the money is not your concern, then consider the fact that it's his Aspieness, his father, his potential inheritance, and therefore his situation to deal with.

Inheritances, by their very nature, are entirely up to the whim of the person making out their will. If your estranged husband's dad decides to cut him off entirely, then he have little recourse other than to contest the will.

I say keep quiet, and let Mr. Wonderful deal with his own problems.

(1) If he's spending money like water and going off the rails, your father in law is perhaps right to not leave him money
(2) Do you think he might be really a sociopath, not AS? Maybe that is why he's not "sharing" diagnosis with Dad.
(3) Let go

I would highly suggest trying to get a formal diagnosis just to make sure you know exactly what you are dealing with, but I totally understand not wanting to get one. I'm that way too right now, and i figure it wouldn't make a difference, but I also have my mom in agreement with me about the AS thing, and she's got a Masters in Counseling, so I have some educated factor behind it. The only reason why I cared about AS to begin with is because my nephew is diagnosed with it, and my sister (who I love, but also has been my archnemesis all my life because she seems to trigger a lot of the anger factor) has no idea how to deal with her son. I am deeply concerned about his future. So, this is the only reason why I'm here and trying to learn more about it, but I end up learning more about myself through it, but you see how my intentions are different. I am not trying to fix my life problems through a diagnosis and therapy as much as I'm trying to supplement what goes on for my nephew who has been diagnosed and sort of receives therapy. Your husband could have other problems he isn't aware of, but beware of psychologists that like to add a bunch of diagnoses that are Aspie related (i.e., adding bi-polar because temper tantrums are aweful). It's easier said than done because there just isn't too much ethics in the world of Psychology right now. Not much ethics everywhere i look in this country, but that's another subject.

I don't think it will make much a difference with your father in law if he knew. If his son isn't good with money, he isn't good. It doesn't matter why, and finding out why would only prove your father in law's conceptions of his son's ability to manage his life. I highly suggest getting the book, "What Color Is Your Parachute" for your husband. The section on building your flower (which was once a parachute) is highly recommended. In addition, there's a section for starting your own business. The book is full of oodles of information on job hunting. I would also explain to your husband that if he wanted to start his own business, now is the time to do it. His father is helping him with money, and since it takes years to really develop a business, when the money stops coming is not the time to do it.

My advice to you...it sounds like you really love your husband or you wouldn't care about any of this. I don't know what your intentions are, and I don't want to assume them for you, but I will say you need to carefully examine your intentions. Why do you feel like you should be doing this? You also need to really find out exactly what you want. I'm sure you are battling ideas of wanting your husband home with you versus not. You really need to be honest with yourself about that. Lie to everyone else if you're embarrassed about how you really feel, but don't lie to yourself or you will only make the situation worse. If this at all is an attempt to stay with your husband or be a part of his life, then I fully suggest against it because it will back fire. If you want nothing more to do with these people, then just back out of their lives and keep your distance. If you still want to be a major part of their lives, then I highly suggest just being there for them, listening, and give them a crying shoulder or the celebration party as seen fit.

Hi Esther,

If you have a good relationship with your father-in-law, I would suggest opening the subject with him. I don't see that it would do any harm, since your husband is already showing himself to be more and more irresponsible. Perhaps broaching the subject that there may be a neurological (AS/autism) or psychological (sociopathy?) basis for his behavior might create a context for discussing your concerns.

It's clear that you love your husband and don't want him to be penniless, whether or not you get back together. If nothing else, it might be good to discuss your fears with your father-in-law, as neither of you want your husband to end up homeless or worse.

I can relate to your predicament somewhat, as I have an adult stepdaughter who has some kind of mental illness. She is very unpredictable, and my husband and I have had many long talks together, along with others who know her, to figure out some sort of plan for dealing with her. We want to make sure she's safe and cared for, but she's an adult, and while she may be mentally ill, she's not delusional. She could seek help if she wanted it, and we can't become her caretakers. It's a very difficult balance.

Hope this helps...

In a majority of my previous posts, I have made no secret that I am still heartbroken over the demise of my marriage. I love my husband and still cling to the tiniest of hopes that we will get back together.

To make it clear, I want us to get back together not for any financial gain as the wife of a son who might inherit some money. That's the furthest from my mind. In fact, I sometimes can't help but curse that my husband had/has the bit of money he does because this gave him the freedom to up and quit our marriage. I was a working professional before I married my husband and I am still working and able to support myself with him gone, so my father in law's money does not affect me in the least.

I've known for a while, despite that tiny hope I mentioned above, that our marriage is irretrievably broken (my husband's wish). With this in mind, and because I cannot switch my emotions off with the snap of my fingers, I cannot help but still be worried about him. For example, even after having left for over a year now, I still take care of the big practical stuff like his health insurance, car insurance, car registration, etc. I do this because these are things he won't stop to take care of himself and I don't want to leave him without a safety net. So you see, I'm trying to move on, but am finding it hard to because I am still somehow connected to him. (It's a little bit more complicated than that in my offline life, but that's the gist of it.)

Essentially, knowing that his chances of gainful employment are a little against him, I want to know that he will still be okay when his savings eventually run out. And the cold hard fact is that this will be made possible only with the help of his dad. I was thinking that if his father knew about him being AS and of the obstacles that he will face in finding a paying job, then his dad will realize that his son will need his help even more and not cut him off, ensuring that his future will not be a penniless and homeless one.

Thanks for your time.

Perhaps you should share your worries with your father in law. Yes, that will hurt chances for reconciliation with your ex, but it will also help you move past feeling duty for him that is no longer your obligation. I know how difficult it is to love and care about someone who doesn't return it and who doesn't make efficient use of the help, and at some point for your own sanity you will have to let go of your ex, and your sense of responsibility towards him. That job, then, falls to his blood family, and if you think they need this information, give it to them. They may not do with it as you would, but at least you can see to it that the choices they make are as informed as possible. And then you let go. You can't take care of someone forever who doesn't want you to. It's just heartache for you. I'm sorry, so sorry, you are in this situation, and I'm sorry if I'm being blunt, but I really believe that you need to hear what I'm saying.

Ester, I suggest you rent the movie Holiday. Pay close attention to Kate Winslet's character.

If you were providing some information as a favour to a friend who happened to be your former father-in-law to help his understanding, and let him decide what to do about it, then perhaps. But the motivations you speak about? Arrrg!! ! You know very well it's messed up. Time to "Fuggeddabouddit".

I knew you still loved him. Nothing wrong with that. You wouldn't have married him if you didn't fully love him. Your love is unconditional and eternal. That's very beautiful. He obviously has no idea what he is leaving or he wouldn't have left.

I don't see anything wrong with continuing that love. I don't think you need to forget about it. I do think you have to accept that maybe you will be loving from a distance for a while. He may come back to you someday, but he may not. I don't think that's a requirement for you. But, you are allowed to love more than one man in a lifetime. If the day comes that you meet a new prince charming, you don't want to scare him away because of your attachment to this husband. He's probably not going to like the idea of you registering this man's car. They say you can feed a hungry person and satisfy him for one night, or you can teach a hungry person to fish so that they will never be hungry again. Maybe, as a professional, if you really want to help and you really care about your husband's future, maybe you do need to step in to show this man how to fish. I still highly suggest that book. I also think if he is AS, then he needs to focus on finding a job with his "people environment" and that importance is greater for him than most people. Also, starting his own business and being his own boss isn't a bad idea unless you think he's incapable of that. Of course, going to school is something he could consider.

But if you truly love him like I think you do, then you find happiness in his, even if that means he's not with you. This just reminds me of a poem, and I'm going to have to find it and type it in here. I'll do that when I find it or type that I can't find it.

What is the lion's pride?
The lioness
Who protects from a distance
Hunts while he sleeps
and awakes
mystified to the zebra breakfast
She is who
Leaves a sporadic rose
With echoes
like autumn comets
and dinosaurs
and Greek goddesses
Of her head
rubbing against his
dropping and rising under his chin
rolling to the comfort of his forearm
As Aphrodite
She soothes his wound
with daydreams
of her scent
and her soft fur
and her motherly tongue
Sits atop a mountain-rock
with her tail slithering
left
although right
with not-so-lonely tears
Watching her pride

I wouldn't consider your estranged husband to have AS, unless he gets a diagnosis. Some personality disorders and some mental illness can appear similar to AS.

I think you should forget about him completely. He is engaging in destructive behavior by spending money without having a job. You can't repair the relationship he has with his dad. If I were you, I'd get the divorce and find my own happiness. You can still remain friends with the father in law.

Doesn't matter whether or not your husband has AS, he's at risk of eventually finding himself destitute - at which point, he'll be prepared to make any compromise.
Above all, in problem-solving mode, you should be realistic ... which may hurt a little.
For the purposes of getting done what needs to be, you should assume that your relationship is buried (doesn't mean you can't retain hope to the contrary - but to save your husband from his AS, you need to be pessi-realistic).
So honesty is the best policy - there's nothing worse than failing because you weren't straight (esp. when you could have succeeded by being straight).
Since your husband is effectively, the 'child' in this - you have to treat him as the managee and disregard his complaints.

Level with your FIL about your fears for his son.
Tell him you're doing it out of love.
Ask him if he might channel SOME of his bequest to a trust, so that it's drip-fed to your husband as an ongoing allowance upon your FIL's passing.
Explain that it's best done now, as a living will - because if your FIL gets ill, he may suffer reduced mental faculty and fail to provide for him, ideally with a no-going back clause.

Once that's done, you can rest easy, having done your best for your husband.

That your ex doesn't want his dad to worry about having AS is a great thing.
Telling your FIL that his son thinks he too, might have it is unlikely to be of any great negative consequence to anyone.
If your ex gets uppity about your 'breaking confidence', tell him that your father will be far happier that he's been able to assure his son's future than he'll be unhappy that he might have AS.
The discovery that they both have AS is likely to draw them together rather than separate them, for which you will gain the credit.

Ultimately, it's impossible to predict outcomes in affairs of the heart and if things don't pan out as hoped, you will at least have the consolation of knowing that you did the right (and unselfish) thing.

Take courage and good luck.