theory about eye contact

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i have a theory about this whole autism/asperger's eye-contact issue.

i have always, for as long as i can remember, felt uncomfortable looking someone directly in the eyes (whether they are speaking to me or not). i've heard many mention feeling too distracted by eye contact during conversation. distraction is a factor for me, but it still on the whole feels more like discomfort than distraction. i've been wondering why this is, examining my feelings when i look away from someone's face; thinking about what's going on in my mind in those moments; and what are the circumstances of the rare times when i am able to make eye contact.

at the moment i look away, i am thinking about how most people have no idea how nakedly readable they are, through their faces and most especially their eyes. i look away because i think there may be things in their eyes that they feel are private, and don't want them to be seen, so to look is like peaking. i am a very private person, so i loathe the idea of invading someone's else's privacy. so i look away.

most often, the times when i can make that contact is when i am plaintive, when i am asking a question, when i am seeking advice, and when i am looking for honest feedback. at these times it is established that i am asking the person for their perspective, and if they give it in words then it feels alright to look; more like they have given you their permission to do so.

often in spite of this it is still difficult for me, even with people i know very well. it is because when i do look, even with permission, the other person is often frightened at how much i see, and that hurts me. those are the moments when i feel most alone. those are drops in the pool of sadness that has lived inside of me for so long, that has existed as a part of me.

it is the cost of seeing.

Last edited by starvingartist on 29 Dec 2008, 7:18 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Your eyes in your avatar are threatening.

really?? but i'm smiling in that picture, i remember when it was taken, i was smiling at my sister.

that's so weird. i don't mean to look threatening, that's what i look like when i smile

i will admit that i don't like having my picture taken, though......maybe that's why my smile looks like that?

how can her eyes be threatening?
She looks like she's looking up, trying to read something.

Still, it's her eyes staring and begging to be seen. I do find it a little intimidating.

people used to tell me in highschool all the time that i looked pissed off and i never knew why

actually I think you look pretty sweet but the avatar is just to much 'in your face' so to speak. Sorry, I don't mean any offense.

Not what I saw, I see pain in her eyes, but behind the pain, there is also hope.

i don't have very many pictures of myself on my computer, because like i said i don't like having my picture taken....that was one of the few ones that i don't completely hate

and it's ok, i wasn't offended, just surprised

I think i understand your theory and i think i like it more or less. Its interesting though, because when i don't give people very much eye contact its NOT only because i may not want them looking at me (shyness, social phobia trait), BUT i also as if feel that it could be akward for them and make them feel uncomfortable. Sometimes we assume everyone feels more or less the same way as us, this is a common thought i'm guessing we may experience, growing up especially during childhood before we have any idea what AS is (ignoring those lucky to get a diagnosis or supportive parents).

Maybe it's just because it's such a closeup and not just the eyes. For some reason or another you just seem to be to close and thats why I don't post sometimes in reply to your posts but this one was appropriate.

I'm not sure about this, you might be right or not.

to me eye contact just feels like an aggressive act and I don't like it. people who stare feel like predators to me.

which is strange, because I've looked real predators in the eyes and they were nowhere near as threatening lol. I can easily look in the eyes of animals, kids and ret*d people (sorry not sure about the politically correct term here), plus people I know well, but it's still quite distracting.

Makes sense; although I feel the other way 'round...that they can see every inadequacy I have, and I'm not serious.

More than a couple seconds is probably too much, at least for me...

I hate it when people give me eye contact which lasts for a while. More so guys, the same sex to me. Sometimes i get scared and feel threatened, but then i just blur my eyes and try force a slightly stand offish expression and look their way. What often happens i think, is they look confused for a second, then realise what they're doing wrong by me, and look away. I hate those that smile afterwards though.