college essay about aspergers -- feedback please!

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I'm considering using this for college applications:


Of Hope, Velcro, and Autism
Dan Grover

When I mention my diagnosis of Asperger's to people, sometimes they don't believe me, thinking autistic disorders are more of a Rainman kind of thing. Sometimes they distance themselves from me, and sometimes they just assume a textbook definition. It's even more difficult, however, for most autistic people themselves to understand it.

When I was little, I was indeed much like that textbook definition. I couldn't socialize, I never made eye contact, I had many strong interests and obsessions, and I couldn't fasten buttons or tie my shoes, let alone do well in school. It wasn't until middle school that I was able to get some accommodations, and it wasn't until the last stretch of high school that I realized the last of those accommodations I desperately needed were ones I'd have to make for myself.

At some point early in high school, I grew self-conscious and tried to relate with those around me. But I sunk in my seat when I heard people laughing at something I didn't understand. I frequently broke down in the middle of classes unable to deal with the situation at hand. I cringed whenever I saw couples in the hallway. I could certainly handle the work -- the work was never the problem -- it was simply being there. The noises, the people, the crowded hallways, the random changes in routine! Halfway through my tenth grade year, on the verge of suicide, I stopped taking standard classes all together and did independent study high school courses.

I ended up thinking a lot over the next year. I co-founded an Asperger's community website for others like me (recently mentioned in several papers and TV shows). One thing led to another, and I ended up getting a job writing software for the Army Corps of Engineers, taking a course at Dartmouth, and running a Mac shareware business. For once, things seemed to be looking up. Removed from the school setting, I was able to learn better and become more secure in myself. I thought a lot that year about the world and my life, trying to pick out the things that really are from the things that merely happen-to-be. And when I thought about it, as far as I was concerned, school was crazy town, upside down world -- Backwards Land, in short!

But the time came when, faced with the realities of my situation, I realized I'd need to return to traditional high school in order to get full credit for my work and take advanced courses. I'd have to trade off some of my happiness and motivation for the appearance of being a good student. I was increasingly filled with dread as the days passed leading up to my return. I still hadn't accomplished the task of entering the school without feeling ill.

It wasn't until one summer evening in Maine that a final realization changed things for me. I had met up with an online friend (also with Asperger's), and after a grueling tour of Portland on foot, she came with us back to Wells for dinner. We decided to take a walk while my relatives made dinner.

"Dan, do you mind if I sorta do my own thing tonight?" she asked. I said I didn't. So I walked by myself for a while that evening on the dim seashore.

When I finally found her, she seemed to be dancing -- twirling randomly, jumping from rock to rock. I watched her for a while from afar, and somehow sight of this girl capering about the shore in the twilight made me think. I didn't know her too intimately, but I knew she was dealing with a lot of the same problems, and it occurred to me that maybe, to be happy, I'd need to do my own thing as well.

As it turns out, the rest of the world is a very diverse place that's constantly changing, but somehow there's only one way to think in school. When in Rome, do as the Romans do, but when in Backwards Land, sometimes it's best to just to try to go forward.

I've since learned about things like body language and seen enough of the challenges ahead of me to know I can handle them. I've got hope, and that's more than I ever could have imagined two years ago. I still haven't learned to tie shoelaces, but until then, thankfully there's velcro. Today, high school is still quite difficult, but with a couple strips to keep my shoes on my feet and a little hope to keep me happy, I think I'll do just fine.

I like your essay, especially the eighth paragraph.

That's a very good essay.

Very, very well written.

I like it as well

Personally, if I were using this as part of a college admissions process, I would NOT mention almost comitting suicide. Instead, maybe say almost had a break dwon or something. It really wouldn't change the flow of theessay that much, but people , even supposedly fair people like those screening your application, may respond negatively emotionally to the suicide thing, and if you were on the bubble it may have a negative impact on outcome. That may not be fair, but the world tends to be not fair.

There were some proofreading errors that need to be corrected, and a few inverted word orders I would change to make it flow a little better.

Overall, it is a good effort. Informative, not overly long, and interesting to read.

I liked your essay as well, Nuttdan.

I liked it a lot too. Especially the eighth paragraph, as well.

Heh, not bad amigo. As far as I'm concerned, it was really good. I didn't get bored at all, and that's always a good thing
Though I agree... you might want to loose that suicide bit for an actual college admission.
Otherwise, I think it is a very good essay.

To give a tiny bit of help, you should probably fix that... crazy town, upside down world... I dunno... an article might find a home somewhere in there. Say, "crazy town, <i>an</i> upside down world."
But that's just me ^__^

Great essay, though I also share the sentiments about some things being better off modified for a college application submission. The suicide part is one, for reasons already mentioned. But you might also want to think about these two lines:

It may make it sound, to the reader, like you were following her when she didn't want you to be there, which may make it sound creepy. You might want to modify that.

Also the shoelaces part at the end seems a little out of context...like mentioning a challenge that doesn't have to be mentioned and still present an effective picture of you overcoming many of the challenges of AS.

Just my $0.02, it's a very moving story in any regard.

Good Luck!

As a college faculty member and an Aspie (with some very similar experiences), I found it quite effective and moving.

I might lose the reference to Velcro. I'm not sure how an NT screener would react. I'm less concerned with the suicide reference than others. I would definitely delete it if this were a job application rather than college.

But, overall, I think you will be fine with it as it stands.

It is thought-filled, sincere, well-structured, and speaks of your multi-dimensional nature.

Your college application paper rocks!

very asperger of you to do.

They should accept you hands-down or up... i forgot the cheessy phrase.

I actually did something similar for my MIT application essay. I don't remember all of it, but the title was

Can Emotions be Reduced to x/(1-x)? [Translation: things start off simple, but suddenly things blow up on you and you get overwhelmed]

The first sentence was:

I think I was born with two left brains.

The last sentence was:

All these mathematical theories are useless when I try to figure out why I am in love.

I eventually submitted it to a high school writing contest and made it into the book. Apparently MIT liked it as well

ACG

Beautiful.

Thanks for reading my essay, I appreciate the feedback. I've gotten a lot of positive feedback from people I show it to, but I have some doubts about.

I think I will take out the suicide bit. It just seems out of context and perhaps melodramatic, but I could write a whole paper on the despair I felt then. So I'll take that out.