Stalked by a fellow Aspie - any ideas?

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Ok,

I am now at my wits end.

A young woman I used to know, very slightly, through the local AS group (with which I have not had any contact due to "artistic differences" for almost a year) WILL not leave me alone.

At first it was idiotic text messages, sometimes in the small hours of the morning (sometimes 10 or more in succession) asking me to "be her friend" escalating to threats and actual blackmail (the really putrid kind) when she did not get her own way.

I did try to reason with her at first, but that only seemed to encourage her, so I had to explore other options. I had hoped that it would be possible to get her number blocked from texting me. Sadly that is not an option here in Ireland, all I can do is have her charged with harassment. When I made it plain to her that is is what she was forcing me to do, the texts stopped...

Until this last weekend when she called me from a "private number" trying to pose as another (extremelly harmless) member of the Aspie group (? A guy too...NOT very convincing). Since which she has made three more nuisance phone calls that I have taken...really silly, childish stuff like trying to mimic the way I say "hello" (she does that sort of thing face to face too, and no it is not any kind of speech problem, she does it in a very spiteful way.).

If I knew where she lived I would at this stage, definately go and talk to her parents...but I don't know the address.

So, the only option I can see, if she continues, is to have her formally charged with harassment.

Right now she is asking for this IMHO, but if I do it, the criminal record she will get may well outlast her drinking problem and attention seeking issues, and cast a very long shadow over her recovery and the rest of her life.

Has anyone got ANY ideas before I have to do this?

M

The likeliehood that she will get a criminal record from an initial visit with the Police is very low. If she continues to stalk you after a visit from the Police then you will know she would not have stopped anyway. You should start documenting this immediately.

I once had a stalker....still kinda do actually. I don't know exactly which disorder he was afflicted with (possibly a schizoaffective disorder), but let's just say he was not quite sane. He was sort of an ex (operative phrase is "sort of") from when I was very young (13 or so), and he was much older....had a big crush on me, I wasn't interested and so on......

Ten years later (after a few jail sentences) he tracked me down, thinking I'd like him now that I was a grown up like him....when I didn't return his affection bad things ensued.....I was called sometimes 60 time day for a week straight (from a private number)....it's like he never slept. He'd text and email death threats (way to leave an electronic paper trail buddy).....slash my tires, blackmail me, harass my family, he even cut the head off my cat and sent it to me in the mail.....all before he broken into my house and grabbed a knife.....all this happened over about a year.....

He went to jail for fourteen months, then a mental hospital for another nine months.....he got out last year.

Anyway....it's nice that you are thinking about her recovery and her life, but make sure you think about yourself and your safety. What she is doing is harassment. What gives her immunity from the law? One possible solution I had to my constant texts, emails, phone calls, was changing my phone number and email......that was a mistake.....since he couldn't get in touch with me electronically he's do it in person...come to my house to threatened me, come to my job and slash my tires to let me know he wasn't happy.......he needed to be able to get in touch with me.....to hear my voice on my voicemail message....

Then trying to reason with him was pointless...he wouldn't sleep for a week, and was totally delusional....why did I think I could? People who do this more often than not can't be reasoned with.

Since you already threatened to charge her with harassment you can since she was warned to stop. Is is possible to get a restraining order without filing charges there? Here harassment is a misdemeanor and not very serious......stalking is a far worse offence. restraining orders are actually part of family court.....

I warned stalker boy that if he didn't stop slashing my tires I'd get a restraining order......he laughed and asked me if I really thought a piece of paper would stop him?

Did I think that?....nope. I knew it was only going to make him want to hurt me more, but in the long run it helped the cops keep track of his offences and violations of the order, and helped in court.....

Before you file for a restraining order or press charges I'd try to find her parents address. Maybe the police can help you do that.......

Good luck and stay safe....

Trouble is, Velodog, even the usually flexible and amenable country cops aren't prepared to take this on in terms of just "Visiting", they won't touch it unless I agree to press charges, otherwise, I agree, one call from the cops would probably sort her out. It may be a reluctance to touch anything relating to a female alcoholic unlees they are certain of a result, or it may be the logistic nightmare of dealing with a situation between two sides of a mountain range that are in the same county, and, to an extent, the same police district...

I have been documenting this since it began, I even have all the texts downloaded to my PC...but thanks, must remember to actually LOG the times of the calls, it just didn't occur to me.

Sublyme...I am a bit ofr a stalking veteran myself...I have been stalked by ex guys...rejected men, rejected women, family members *sighs* - I guess it goes with the territory of being a schizoid Aspie...they KNOW they are distressing me and there isn't the slightest risk they are giving me one iota of satisfaction...but this is new on me...stranger stalking I *get*, but "aquaintance stalking" doesn't make any real sense...

What is starting to make a kind of sense is what you say here:

***
What she is doing is harassment. What gives her immunity from the law?
***

...particularly as what she is doing doesn't seem, to me, to even be in the same LEAGUE as the things you have gone through (I have had it bad, in other situations, but not even close to as bad as you...my sympathies)...because it is EXACTLY, almost word for word, what one of my local cops, and a woman from customer support at her own phone company said.

Trouble is, I think here "harassment" IS the stalking charge, and pretty serious.

On the flip side of the coin, BECAUSE she is just an thoroughly unwanted aquaintance, behaving like a 5 year old bully, I actually FEEL a lot more angry, and "violated", in the immediate sense, than I ever have by anyone else.

Today I was >< from just walking in to local cops and having her charged...but what she is doing seems like NOTHING compared to *real* stalking...

It's just SUCH an invasion when some silly, spoilt, drunken brat, who has never had any close personal relationship, nor cause to aspire to one, disturbs me every time she wants a quick fix of some weird kind of jolly.

M

Mechanima, DO what you have to do. I really don't get the overall softness of Aspies. This is not intended to insult you or anyone else on this board. My own attitude about people messing with me is that they will pay for their fun. Maybe they can figure that out, or maybe I'm lucky, but I rarely get bothered by the type of jerk that you are dealing with. Here in the US cops got bad press because, before the laws got changed, they often got called to the same place every weekend to sort out a family disturbance knowing that the woman was only kidding about wanting her abusive husband gone, and that they got to deal with the same s**t next week. If you really do not feel like you are worth bothering the Police over - then don't do it. Without serious intervention what motivation does this crazy wench have to stop using you as a plaything? If you are not willing to treat this seriously, then why should the cops?

People can and do get restraining orders for things on that level.

Unfortunately when a stalker is autistic they're likely to be very obsessive and persistent. I've known of three autistic people who are frequent stalkers, and one of them even caused an entire conference to hide its location from people not attending. All three can be vicious, childish, and manipulative when crossed, like the person you described.

You might be surprised how much I agree with you Velodog...people probably DO figure out that if they have *fun* with you it will cost them, I just wish I knew how to project that myself.

In recent years I have begun to feel that I am projecting serious vibes of "feel free to act like a rampant psychohosebeast, for I will feel bound to try and see your side of it first" and only wish I knew HOW to stop doing that BEFORE I have to react...

Because I know, on past experience, I tend to go from being too soft and understanding, to OVER-reacting, in nanoseconds...when I REALLY cannot take any more...

At this stage I am pretty much decided that a couple more calls (just to help the charges stick) and I am going to get her charged.

I suppose you must feel the way I did when I saw a transexual I know letting herself be molested by an horrible drunk simply because she had never learned the right "do that, and you are DEAD, buster" reflexes, and I have?

M

*shudders*

That figures...sadly, restraining orders can cost a lot of money, and are tricky when you do not know a person's full name...but it's worth looking into all the same...I might do that.

M

I could see why that would disturb you....really it's not like you've wronged her in the past. Just an "unwanted acquaintance." Yeah that would really bug me....at least with stalker boy I could understand why he was so angry....a 13 year old girl broke his then 22 year old heart by saying he was too old for her and just plain creepy......but had it not been someone from my past I wouldn't have been able to rationalize his behavior......that would probably have freaked me out more so.....

I could have gotten a restraining order early, but I chose not to because I thought I could handle him, and that it would only make him more angry....I was asked by the cops why I didn't do it earlier. I told them about the blackmail, and that I was scared of him.

One thing about stalkers....they do it because they can...because we let them. If she is an aspie herself she knows exactly how this would get under your skin, and drive you insane....stalker boy knew that about me and used it....

I would really try to find her parents address or phone number before you have to go to the police. She knows you threatened to go to the police and the texts stopped right. (only to be manifest in the form of annoying prank calls). She needs someone to intervene.....someone like a parent to scare her into stopping.

If she doesn't stop after that, or it's impossible find her parents, go to the cops. You are bothered by it. She's now going out of her way to concealer herself by blocking her number and pretending to be a man on the phone....just to bother you. She knows it bothers you and is having fun at your expense. Don't let her.

I'm pleased that you are ready to respond and that you did not take my post in an offensive manner. I hope you get this sorted out soon. Good luck.

Thanks Sublyme...

This all feels so trivial compared to what I have been through in the past, let alone the far worse stuff you have been through...BUT...if I had a special disposition whereby I could wring one person's neck RIGHT NOW it would be hers...

With an obessed looney at least there is SOME way you can relate to how their twisted thinking motivats them, but this is like:

"Hey, I saw you when I parked next to you in the mall and I feel it might be fun to spend the rest of my life making you miserable"...there is nothing to sympathise with or even understand.

Thanks Velodog...

I am as aware as you that there must be something in my own attitude and behaviors that encourages this kind of attention, but, at least, not deliberately.

M

Just to update, it now turns out that this person has been harassing other people too, and that attempts have already been made, with no success, to discuss this with her, and/or her family, so it seems that prosecution is now unavoidable.

M

I apologize for giving you the impression that I thought you brought this on yourself. When I said Aspies are soft, I was commenting on your reluctance to press charges and Aspies in general being easy targets. I did not mean to express or imply that you are responsible for the psychopathic actions of someone else. One of my stepfathers was a violent drunk psychopath. I had an early education on scum, and I have no sympathy for career criminals. These type of people need to be brought up short and hard to get their attention. I am happy for you that things are moving forward. Please be sure to take proper precautions for your safety while this is going on. Also find a website called Cornered Cat. They have useful material there for women concerned for their safety.

Really Velodog,

There is nothing for you to apologise for. It IS true that something about my behaviors or personality attracts these head cases and there is no point in me ignoring that. I should rather try to find out what that is and fix it. But recognising that does not in ANY WAY absolve them of responsibility for choosing to abuse in this way. I am not responsible that they choose to be abusive, they are...but I may be partly responsible for them choosing me as a target, rather than somebody else. Or that they choose to abuse me by stalking rather than in some other way.

Part of the reason is that, like sexual predators (who they honestly resemble by deriving their satisfaction from imposition and invasion) stalkers and bullies tend to have a radar for "preconditioned" victims. They also tend to "daisychain" their stalking onto the basis of other, or earlier stalkers, deriving from them a source of combined pseudo-justification and implied threat.

This thread actually wound up alluded to by a woman who has cyberstalked me (mostly by setting up "hate pages" on different servers) over the past few months since I rejected her. More than anything, she seemed jealous that I was posting about this person rather than her and stepped up her activities.

Of course, these two characters (who have the same country of origin, and it's NOT Ireland) would claim that all I need to do to fix what I am doing wrong is stop rejecting them and do as they tell me in future, but somehow I don't think that is a viable course of action either.

Still, seriously, I DO put a lot of thought into what I can do to avoid attracting any MORE of this kind of abuse in future. In my case it usually seems to be directly related to me rejecting someone because I find them abusive, invasive and unappealling at a very early stage of association. Typing that, it occurs to me that the problem may come from the fact that I reject them so thoroughly, so early, and perhaps, as others see through and reject them, apparently, later, they project the blame for their overall rejection on to me rather than recognising that their own abusive behavior is the cause of it?

M

PS. Just checked out "Cornered Cat" and I am reminded of what my mother always said about me...that if you corner me, God help you, because I will fight like a rat in a trap to get free. Sadly (or maybe not?) we are not allowed firearms for personal protection here in Ireland.

You could ignore her.

I understand this is a very serious topic, but I was wondering, anbuend, did that person accustom to show up to conferences and be disruptive? What exactly did he do?