Too passive for my own good, do you guys feel the same way?

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I know I've probably posted posts like in this in the past, but I was wondering if anyone felt the same way when they read this.


I've always been a very passive and shy guy, and although I've learned to become sociable with people over the years, there is one aspect of myself that is a constant irritation, and that is being TOO passive for my good.

Let me explain myself so it makes more sense. I'm very friendly with people and very pleasant to be around, however whenever I'm confronted with anything that is new or uncertain or aggressive in any manner whatsoever, I feel extremely weak inside, like an unexplained fear has entered me for no sensible reason. I liken it to a robot being splashed with water and short circuiting, you don't feel light headed, but you feel very jittery and scared, with an uneasy feeling throughout the body.

It occurs every time I'm presented with something new or uncertain or something aggressive. People can be rude or aggressive to me, and I cower like a scared little b***h instead of having the confidence to stand up for myself and to tell people to piss off. To have this feeling, it is like having no anger in your body whatsoever, but enough fear to hold you in place. Understandingly, it gets VERY VERY irritating. I have no thought process when I become afraid, it's like it instantly hits me and I'm stuck feeling afraid.

I have tried to learn everything about the nature of anger in order to explain why I lack it and why I'm so easily frightened. I learned that anger occurs chiefly for two reasons: people either get angry because they feel they have been mistreated, or they get angry because they are afraid of losing something important to them. People also get angry over irritation. I also learned that the amount of anger we feel is directly proportionate to the maliciousness perceived, meaning we get more angry based on the degree of the hatefulness we perceive the anger causing action to be. It is our "hot thoughts" that make us angry.

But this does not answer my question. I don't have hot and angry thoughts, I immediately go into a slight panic that although from another's perspective can not be seen, I can feel it with great abundance. There is no thinking process, no cognitive confusion, I just go into this state for one reason or another and then it wears off. So I want to know if most aspies feel the way I do, and if any of you would be so kind, could you please explain what you think is going on with me when all this occurs. Thank


-Autistic Malcontent

not sure why it is happening but when you fear something you give it power over you, you are in awe of it, so that's how it's playing out. being a xtian, i only fear god. works for me.

I am also a Christian as well, but this matter is not one of a religious nature. And for what you said, a person should respect God and do as He has commanded of those who believe in Him (God/Jesus). The "fear" is knowing that God can destroy you, but knowing that He doesn't plan to. It is more a thing of respect than actual fear, God wants His creation to respect Him and do the things He asks of us, which are in the Bible.


God isn't going to destroy people on this earth. God waits for and judges people based on their deeds after death, not before it, that's what I believe. Every man will have to give an account of what they've said or done when they die and meet God. It shows how kind and gracious God is, He could smite whoever He wanted if He really wanted to, but He waits until death to past final sentence on a person, which gives people enough time to repent of their sins. Yes, those who believe in God and do His Will will go to Heaven to be with Him, those who rejected Him and followed their own path will go to Hell, that is the Truth, but judgment is delayed until death.


However, what I speak of is more of a psychological defect more than a religious one. I won't deny that God had something to do with the way I behave and act (I'm not blaming Him, I'm just saying that He might have made me passive for a purpose), but I can't help to be rather irritated and annoyed at being so passive, and I'd like to know if there is something I can do about it. That's why I posted this post.

I hate confrontation, so much that when people are arguing that I cower away, or I feel petrified. I don't think I'm scared exactly but it's like I don't know how to let my anger and opinion out. Or sometimes I can get so angry during an argument that I can't focus properly and therefore can't share my opinion. It's like I get so angry I can't think straight.

mmm not sure if I expressed myself well there. I just meant that I had to learn to stop fearing things and one way of doing that was to understand that it's appropriate to only fear (as in awe) god.

general passivity is a bit of a problem for me too, it's hard to take action when you don't want what others want. i find aggression confusing but i think i learnt to fake somewhat credible responses to it. humour often deflects antagonism too, i learnt to become the class 'clown' in school.

Well, with ME it has no fear, and I DO get angry! I just don't show it. Just TONIGHT(OK, LAST NIGHT, since it is past midnight), we were going to get off a plane, and some JERK moved back a foot, almost to where his rear would be touching my groin, and I moved my upper body back. I didn't want to give up one CENTIMETER, so my foot stayed where it was. In fact, when he moved forward an inch, I moved my foot into that area. He stepped on it, and basically just let his foot slide off, never even saying he was sorry. If I were ANYONE else, I might have shoved my knee up his rear. Anyway, neither of us said a word.

BTW I really had only five options.

1. Sit down and wait for EVERYONE to get off the plane. NO WAY would I do that. Besides, I generally move faster than ANYONE else! BESIDES, it would cause problems for the person next to me. I am sure SHE wanted to leave ALSO.
2. Back down, aggravate everyone else, and be hit on ALL FOUR SIDES. Again, I could NOT tolerate that.
3. Get agressive, and WHO KNOWS what would happen. That is not in my nature though.
4. Do NOTHING, and end up WORSE off.
5. Do what I did.

Postperson,

Fear is NOT awe or respect! Why do people keep changing words?

awe is a mixture of fear and respect surely?

must be my day for being misinterpreted!

loved the story about the plane queue very funny.

hay what about martial arts taikwondo whatever for passive aspie guys, it's like self defence that doesn't involve aggression or something???

I'm like this. I just freeze when that stuff happens. Although, sometimes, if someone's being aggressive to me, I won't actually realise that they were being aggressive until someone else points it out. I just feel frightened and don't know the cause of it. Can't help you much, I'm afraid.

You said you feel weak, so maybe you're afraid of getting hit by angry people.

Do you usually feel strong?
You can probably feel strong with lots of exercise or learning self-defense,
at the very least, to be ready to get out of the way if a punch is coming.
Angry people don't seem to hit very often.
I don't remember being hit except by bullies when I was a child.

Maybe if you have therapy practice with someone alternately talking nicely and saying the same thing with a pretend angry voice, you can get used to it and realize that you can talk to an angry voice almost the same way as a nice voice.
(A nice person can say nicely many things that an angry person says with angry voice.)

One thing I didn't always know is that you shouldn't talk angry to an angry voice because it usually just gets angrier. But (I assume) you talk gently if you can't talk angry anyway. Talking gently to an angry voice tends to calm it down.

People usually don't get angry with me. Maybe they do but I'm not as fearful as I used to be and I don't notice. Maybe I avoid people who are always angry. I once had a roommate I moved away from who got angry a lot and even said scarey things like he would hit me but he never did it. I'm not sure but maybe I could get along with him now. When he was my roommate I didn't know that talking angry back to him only made him more angry.

I'm not sure what you mean about new and uncertain things. If you mean new places or new things to do, I'd think to try to relax and slow down to get used to them.

As for interpreting people's social motives and emotional tone of voice from a distance, I'm quite good at getting the 'jist' of the situation.

It's the social participation that I seem to have issues with.

I can feel the emotion, but the reaction doesn't always come immediately.

That's being passive.
Group participation is incredibly hard for me.
It's hard when I want to join in, but can't because the situation is too overwhelming.

The more people there are and the more unfamiliar the situation, the less I can socially participate. There are just too many confounding variables to deal with at once.

Trying to respond appropriately with someone face to face that I've never met before is very overwhelming. Most people have to initiate the conversation for me.

I can relate to what you´re saying, and I´ve experienced something like that. Although, in my case it´s not exactly fear- it´s more like shock, I guess. This happens particularly with sudden situations that are unexpected, and particularly situations that have a high emotional content....(I am quite intimidated by other people´s strong emotions). If I´m taken unawares, it´s like I´m not sure how to react, and so I don´t. I get into something like "logical mode". When I was a child, I would just freeze in these situations; but nowadays, I often manage to still talk, but I guess I may come across as being somewhat "Spock-like". (Sometimes, people have even asked me why I didn´t react to something). In my case, though, often the emotions come later, so I feel them eventually, just not around the person.

If you´re worried about this, I would suggest writing. After something like this happens, try writing about what your feelings are...you may feel nothing at first, but with automatic writing, sometimes all kinds of feelings can come up that you´ve been unaware of. This has helped me a lot, to become aware of my feelings...I think it´s really good therapy. I have journals and journals of stuff written now. It´s even interesting to go back and re-read things I wrote a long time ago. It´s a good form of self exploration.

I relate to what you're saying. When I was young I would freeze and all my senses would shut down, afterwards when I felt safe enough to react I would feel angry and have my head full of senarios of what I wanted to say and questions as to what made people act that way.

Now, I guess I just went through the same situation too many times. My senses still shut down, but I guess I went through so long being afraid and angry that I just can't do it anymore. I react kind of like a robot, and even sometimes manage to keep some of my senses enough to understand whats being said to me.

Difference is the aftermath, no longer allow myself to get chewed up over what I should have done instead.

I can totally relate to you. I have always felt that way and have put others wishes before my own. Basically, I was a door mat and felt like I was subordinate to others. It wasn't until I was 43 that I looked at it in a different way.

I started to perceive it in simpler terms and for some reason, I find it easier to overcome. Now I see the world as it is - a planet with people on it. Everyone is considered equal. If you look at it this way, you'll realize that you are your own boss and nobody has power over you. People can be the boss of your career and such but not of your person.

Try this and see if it helps...it definitely helps me.

Best regards,


Sophia Summers

I have the same problem and I think it stems from, in part, always having my desires subdued by my parents' control and guild induction when I was younger and never realising that that environment was wrong. Having few friends limited my seeing what a relatively normal environment looked like.

im too passive also, its probably from having been put down so much bhy everyone i know.
when im anoyed or hurt i seem to act passive agressively and then some people think i have an attitude problem or something.
i dont think its the right way for me to handle a situaton because it doesnt resolve anything. i need to learn to tell people how i feel about things.