Solipsism

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When I was thirteen o fourteen I began to be afflicted by two kinds of thoughts. The first was irritating but not so serious, even if it pops up even now in my mind and I find at least fatiguing. I was caught in a recursive chain of reflections on the fact the I was thinking, and that I was thinking that I was thinking and so on ad infinitum. But every time that I tried to say to myself: “ oh, just stop it it’s only the old thought”, I immediately thought also: “no, this is not the old thought, it's a new thought, it's the thought about the thought; each time I stumble in this thing it’s a new thing”.
In this line I often reflect on cell division. A cell, starting from the fecundated egg divides in two cells and than again and again. They differentiate in 220 different kind of cells, most of them having a complete DNA, some without (eritrocytes ), some, the gametes, having half DNA in order to recombine. Well, how do the cells take all the order/information to do all this things? I am neither a biologist nor a mathematician, who perhaps have the conceptual instruments to give an answer. They call it recursivity.

A second thought I often had when I was twelve, and this was really horribly anguishing was, to put it simply: “Why me?”. It as a feeling like of being imprisoned in my existential experience. Who could tell that the external world was real? External world was nothing else than my internal world. There was no external world.
This is what is called solipsism and I think many experience it some time. But to me it was the most horrendous loneliness.
As for the relation with my parents I had the idea that I might be, after all, a farm animal reared to be eaten like a pig.
Well, if I tell people now that I am autistic, that I have always been autistic, they usually answer that I am mad to say this things. Autism is something that is not acceptable by “normal” people. I have learnt to keep the thing for myself, except here. It’s a problem nobody wants to see, this also because autistics mostly behave in an apparently “normal” way, and people are accustomed to interact with you in a normal way. It's partly your (our) fault. But what should one do? Wear a T shirt, a badge, act violently (I am not capable)?. All alternatives are unpraticable and you risk to be confined in a bedlam in the hands of incompetent and perhaps sadistic psychiatrists.
More discussion and publicity about autism in the media might help. And also disposing of the fantastic crap that, at least in Europe, has occupied spaces under the name of psychoanalysis.

I can definately relate to some of things you are saying, I feel like my thoughts are a vicious circle, its like a neverending thought within a thought.

YEAH! The brain was once considered a device to cool the blood!(Until they found that it was the main CPU of sorts) Seratonin got its name because it helped blood vessels maintain their "tone"!(Until they found it was one of the main brain chemicals) IQ was once considered to be ONE value that controlled EVERYTHING!(Until they found savants that were STUPID and very intelligent at the SAME time). And AUTISM, in the US at least, used to require an IQ of 70(Until they found that some differed only in that they had TWICE that IQ!)!

In the US, that last thing happened only in 1996! 10 little years ago!

YEP, I don't know if I should say. Just a couple weeks ago, a coworker said I was SO smart, and actually seemed to want to know why. A couple months ago, my father told me I was the smartest one he knew. NOW I know one of the reasons. It explains EVERYTHING!

Oh well, let them wonder. The cause dosen't really make a difference ANYWAY! They already KNOW a lot of the problems. No interest in sports, lack o social skills. Sometimes seem arogant. A customer laughed just a couple weeks ago at how I often look at the ground, and I have sometimes been asked to look in peoples eyes, etc... They just haven't tied it together!

Steve

I was raised as a Christian Scientist from 5 to 16.I was taught that the physical world was an illusion.
In my church instead of pictures of Jesus on the cross....we had a quote from Shakespeare,"There is no such thing as heaven or hell,but thinking makes it so"...So,from a very early age,I learned that "perception" created reality.It was an interesting lesson for someone with Aspergers(who didnt know it).Since I was unable to change my perception of the world being a cold,heartless,lonely place....
I felt doomed to hell.I knew that there was nothing I could do to change the world only my perception...how do you do that?I still struggle with my negative "focus".The only way I can function at all is to try and destract myself with my art,books,computer,rocks,cats.Given how much money society pumps into "distractions",I think others must have the same problem but may not be concious of it.

I still have not told my parents about my AS DX.Since they are still Christian Scientist,I assume they will see it as more of my "faulty thinking"....there is no "imperfections" in their reality,except what I allow myself to think.