I wish I knew what I do to make others uncomfortable

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It didn't used to bother me so much that I don't have hardly any friends, but it does now that I'm married to a very social person. None of his friends like me, so when he goes to hang out with them, I sit at home. It's very depressing.

I just wish I knew what it is that I do that makes people uncomfortable? How do you be the "fun" person that people actually like and want to get to know better? I am obviously completely clueless. When people call on the phone I can tell they're trying to think of an excuse to ask to talk to my husband without being obvious and I hate it. I hate feeling like the outcast every day of my life! No one wants to feel like a loser and that's how I feel right now. I don't think a single person out there is thinking about me as they're out partying and having fun and socializing. I would like to feel that I at least have someone to talk to once in a while but if I don't know what it is I'm doing wrong how can I ever achieve that????

I'm as confused as you are.

I third that notion

..SV..

take heart nettispaghetti.
we are just funny, weird people.

try to rejoice in the things that are special about you.

you know, i am an AS extrovert - and i push people away because i have an overbearing energy.

i think we would all just like to find middle ground at times.

but the past few years are better than when i was thirty. things can improve. don;t get too down....

good luck.
i like reading your posts. they are thoughtful and real and honest.

Last edited by millie on 14 Feb 2009, 2:32 am, edited 1 time in total.

Have you tried talking to your husband about this problem? It may be beneficial to let your husband know that you don't like sitting at home while he socializes and try to come up with a solution to the problem.

People like to talk about themselves so ask them questions about themselves.
For Example
Where do you work?
Where were you born?
What do you like to do for fun?
What type of music are you into?
Do you have an interest in (insert narrow interest here)? This way you can try to see if any of your husbands friends have a common interest with you that you could talk about.

To the friends it should show that your trying to get to know them and they may come around.

If all that fails, just confront his friends in an assertive manor and ask them why they feel uncomfortable around you. It may come off insecure in their eyes but it could be beneficial to you if they respond as it would help you grow as a person.

Those are some of my suggestions, but i would like to hear others perspective.

It's kind of hard to explain but his friends blatant dislike for me caused me to react in a bad way and now I don't think there's any way we could be friends. Although I don't think this is necessarily bad because they like to drink and alot of them use drugs and I think that's so unhealthy,....but who's to say my husband isn't doing it when I'm not there is what really bothers me on that topic.

But I do think that it would be good to get others opinions. I try to ask my husband, but he won't tell me! He just says he doesn't know (I am not thoroughly convinced he's neurotypical sometimes haha, but not as hopeless as me).

Anyways, you have a good point dalhouse12, I think one problem I have is I tend to talk about myself too much because I don't know what else to talk about, so I don't end up letting people talk about themselves which is what they enjoy.

Thank you Millie, I'm glad you enjoy reading my posts

me too so then I can do it intentionaly

haha

Once a teacher accused me of making the chalk shriek, I told her if i new how todo that, Id be doing it all the time..
she was not amused.

Have you tried asking them what are you doing wrong? Tell them they need to tell you what you are doing wrong or you won't know what to change about yourself so they would feel comfortable around you.

(Apparently) it's the simple things Nettiespaghetti. For instance, when you meet new people, enter a room or greet others (whom you may or may not have met previously), do you wear a death mask grimace? Apparently non-autistic people find this friendly and reassuring, so to impress always grit your teeth and remember to bare them.

Look people directly in the eye, but not too directly, do this consistently and regularly on an intermittent and irregular basis (you might want to formulate a random appearing formula so you do not appear to be too formulaic).

Always ask personal and probing questions, but remember it's very rude to be nosy.

Be confident with plenty of self-esteem, and never be too full of yourself or lack humility.

Do not be a slave to conformity or gossip about others, but go with the flow and engage in social chit chat with and about your peers. Be open and accessible and remember to approach others, but do not be clingy or intrusive or come across as less than discriminating in choosing your social companions.

Most of all remember to relax and just be yourself, and if you can simultaneously follow all the above advice, please send detailed instructions on achieving this to the rest of us.

Eggman, you're allright!

I have a hypothesis (I've been reading up on body language, social communication and stuff).

I reckon that other people's unease might have something to do with the inadvertent lack of non-verbal signals that we outwardly project.

I've read that non-verbal signals are incredibly important in establishing rapport between people. I've read that this establishing of rapport is the "most important life skill" *sigh*.

From what I've studied, the real "small talk" is actually in the non-verbal signals people project, not in the subjects that people talk about.

I've read that most of a person's meaning is primarily gauged emotionally from their body language and that interpretation of non-verbal signals takes precedence over verbal meaning.

I take issue with this idea because I've known many well qualified people who have almost blank facial expressions and communicate primarily using the words they say. Also, in my family I notice that the verbal content and "music" of the spoken word are given precedence over any facial signals. When with each other, the facial cues are quite limited, however, when with other people, I notice that my family put on an "act" and exaggerate their facial expressions.

I think also that females are expected by society to show more non-verbal facial expressions or they would be considered "cold".

What about those of us who have genuine difficulties in this area, but are still expected to produce all the non-verbal goods?

Heres to add to that. I talk with my hands, it adds to the verbal communication, plus it somewhat makes up for lack of facial expression.

I do this too.
Perhaps I've done this to compensate for my lack of projected non-verbal signals?
If done in the right way, it can actually help visually emphasise points, especially when giving presentations.

I've seen lecturers use a lot of "hand waving" also.

There's more than one way and style to communicate.

I just picked it up as my father seems to do it all the time, and it felt natural for me to do it... Now to get breakfast start my day, and get ready to go home for a week.