I think I am dead...

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What I mean by that is it feels like the person I am has been killed off, and the person who is more acceptable to society, and not as fun to be has came in and took my place in my life... It feels like I have lost the ability to be the playful enjoyable person I once was, and I long so much so to enjoy those simple things I still enjoy in the way I used to enjoy them, rather than watching from afar to kill the idea of me being strange...

Its like my knowledge of what is acceptable for my age group has killed my inner self, and the fact that I am really still somewhere between 5 and 8 on the inside... It just makes me feel even more out of place...

I know exactly what you mean. I even wrote a paper about it for school when I was fifteen, the quintessence being, "Puberty is dying". I bemoaned the fact that I had lost the ability to spontaneously enjoy things. Perhaps this is what J.M. Barrie meant when he wrote "Nothing that happens after we are twelve matters very much", and Lord Byron when he stated that "at twenty-three, the best of one's life is over."

What can I say? It took me twenty years to rediscover the spontaneity and full depth of emotion I experienced as a kid. It's a long journey, but it's worth the trip.

Me too, Padium. I don't think I remember how to be myself anymore.

I don't actually care about being strange, though. I just have trouble being myself these past few years.

Maybe they are just different 'roles' and you play one role now more, than you used to?
My 'favourite' behaviour would not be acceptable at my job, so I just take some role (at least I try to).

What happens then, Padium, is you all too soon find yourself to be middle-aged, and you just don't care anymore what other people think. You rediscover fun and are secure in your quirkiness and other people think you're cool now. You do your own thing and to hell with everybody else (within reason, right?)

You have an advantage in that you are self-aware at a young age and don't have to waste all that time I and others like me wasted worrying about what others think. I had a student who taught me that lesson some years ago. She was very quirky and quite a trouble-maker in the classroom. But one day we were talking about being shy, and I mentioned that I am so shy that I avoid doing many things because I am afraid of what people would think. Her response was, "Why? That's such a waste of time!" And she was right.

I hope you can rediscover fun.

Guess what, the gifties over at their GiftedHaven were talking about *exactly* the same thing. Only they're teenagers...

http://forums.giftedhaven.net/showthread.php?tid=840

I entered that stage when I was your age and I'm still having the repercussions. It's odd because I feel a lot more like an NT in terms of my emotional need for socialization and I've lost some of the enjoyment I used to get out of my solitary obsessions. It’s been this way ever since college.

well from a religious perspective one is supposed to 'die' to self, anyway. so ....in that sense you're probably getting it right.

Hey Padium. I feel for ya - the fear of other people thinking you are weird is horrible, when all you really wanna do is just have fun and enjoy the things you enjoy. But the person you WERE is NOT dead, he has just taken a backseat for a while. There are many parts to ourselves and we never lose who we are.

The person you were is still there - it is your inner child. You can never lose your inner child and it is good that you are in touch with him. It is HEALTHY to be in touch with him. Anyone who thinks someone is a freak for being in touch with their inner child has lost that connection with their own inner child, which is really sad. It means they have huge hang-ups about their own personality and can't really be truly happy - they are denying themselves - therefore they would make fun of people who are capable of having fun - they are jealous.

Do not feel that you can't reconnect with your inner child - you can. Just give yourself some time and realise that you are allowed to be that playful, enjoyable person you are. You do not owe anything to a society that refuses to accept the person you are, as long as you are not harming anyone... go ahead and play! If I could I'd help you out because I can be crazy, silly and excitable. As you can see I even defend the inner child against those who call me "immature". You can be mature and still have fun.

i feel like exactly the same person i was when i first can remember.

although what i feel and think may change from time to time, it is always me who feels and thinks it.

i am the same "me" that was "me" at conception.
and it will be "me" who loses my life one day.

I guess I noticed this in myself, I was kind of hiding myself behind a mask. I think that at a few times I have decided to just try and do things that are crazy, like just go have fun and be me, though somtimes I don't even know who I am, like wether I am hideing a quirk or not. Some of my hapiest times is when I have been around others just like me, cause I kind of become the real me. I remember one time I whent to an event for special needs planning on going to uni, and I felt like I could act like the real me, felt a bit like belonging that I don't realy get anywhere else and why I hide. Somtimes in a thought process I might think about a conversation between the everyday me and the me of the past (an iner me) I think he deserves a say in what I do.