You're setting yourself up for failure

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Have any of you guys ever had someone else tell you this phrase whenever you tell someone that you really want to do something that involves a lot of luck? I met with a meds doctor a few days ago, and I told him about how I really want to be in a few shows in Walt Disney World when my family and I go next year. When I brought up being an extra in the Indiana Jones Epic Stunt Spectacular, he told me I am setting myself up for failure.

A few weeks before that meeting, when I told my therapist about being an extra, he said the exact same thing, until I told him how I felt that phrase to be condescending.

Can someone tell me if you have ever had a similar experience like this, and if so, have you figured out why people say stuff like this to aspies?

I think it means that with the ratio of people who will want to do that to the ratio of people chosen the odds are against you.

I can see how it would be considered condescending.

I think the issue is not being an aspie in and of itself but of the fact that we are becoming a society that believes that failure is not an option anymore. You see that from the high levels on down and it is infective. My answer to that though is that I would rather have tried and failed than not tried at all. Without failure, we cannot have success.

So I say, go for it. What is the worst that can happen, you do not succeed. The question is, did you have fun trying, and did you learn something that you can use in life?

As to answer the question, I was told all of the time to not do something because I would fail. Most of the time, I did the act anyways and sometimes I did fail and other times, I succeeded.

If nobody ever tried to do anything because the odds were against them we'd all still be living in caves.

Go for it, don't let people put you down, just don't be disappointed if it doesn't work out. A strange thing I've found with life is that sometimes you miss the target you are aiming for but hit something else - which unexpectedly turns out to be well worth having anyway. With luck related things it often comes down to being at the right place at the right time.

I've been reading famous entrepreneur's autobiographies and they pretty much say the same things.
Some of them were nearly killed, failed and rejected trying to pursue their dreams.

They tried to have fun trying.
If they hadn't tried and just thought "what's the use, I'll probably fail", well let's just say that some major multinational companies and inventions wouldn't exist today!

I don't know if I'll ever live up to all of that...


Also.
Somebody has to be a stuntman or there wouldn't be a show!
It may or may not be Stereokid, but that's the same with all auditions as any potential performing artist knows.

If everyone all packed their bags and left the audition because they "didn't think they had any chance at all": the show organisers would panic. No auditionees, no potential candidates hence: no show.

Actually I believe it's the same with job interviews.
Some luck is always involved.
Surely the doctor must have had to have been a candidate for something at some point and potentially risked failure?




So what's the other option?

It's great to have high expectations, but the flip-side of that is that we expect a lot from people.
Perhaps too much in some cases.
I don't think that's exactly healthy.

Actually, I have to disagree with you. We do not expect a lot from people in most cases. To remove failure as an option means we have to remove success as an option and failure is healthy because it causes the person to learn from their failure.

In too many cases, we are removing any concept of failure. We are removing grades from schools, winners and losers from sports, etc. I think this is more unhealthy for us than failure.

If you're risking a lot, sure, then failure being likely is going to be important. But if you're not risking a lot, then why not try?

Once I was invited to an interview at one of the most prestigious international institutions. The position was to die for. I told my best friend and she listened with a sad look on her face. Then she took my hands in hers, and with lots of compassion and sweetness said: "My dear Greentea, those jobs go to someone connected to the powerful. They interview people to make it look like they're giving equal opportunities. I'm telling you this because I love you and I'd hate to see you hurt and disappointed." I was very sad to discover how silly I had been.

I worked at that institution in that dream job until I left for an even better one.

Once I registered for a to-die-for scholarship, to study in an exotic country for a year, all paid. My father took my hands in his, and with lots of compassion and sweetness...etc. etc.

I spent one of the best years of my life on that scholarship.

It happened with other things too.

I wish someone would take my hands in theirs now and say I'm setting myself up for failure. Because from my experience, it means total success.

If someone says that me, I might respond, "I realize the odds are long, and I don't EXPECT to be able to do it, but I'll regret it more if I never try than if I try and fail." And be sure you actually mean that, that you are ready for failure and OK with it, just willing to give it your all anyway. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, as they say.

I worry more about people setting others up to fail than setting themselves up, unless it's been a pattern with that person and they take the failures hard. You do have to be realistic about what you are getting into or it will take a toll on your self-esteem.

As if this phrase is only used towards Aspies. I've learned the hard way not to listen to what others advise, 'cause it's really done me no good in the short or long term. So if you want to do it, go for it.

I'll have to disagree.

I understand your point, but I still think that there's far too much pressure to succeed.

Fearing getting bad grades at school caused a lot of pain for me and when I did get good grades, it sometimes hardly seemed worth the effort. Sometimes I do regret trying: the stress involved outweighed the benefits. Kids are over-tested in my country.

In my early years I was told I would fail, my parents tried to counteract that by pushing me hard.

If I hadn't feared failure and failed, I wouldn't be the nervous wreck that I am today.
I can't relax/socialise/cooperate effectively and feel depressed because of this.
My early drive to success is paradoxically the very thing that's now holding me back.
I struggle socially and can barely survive on my own because I didn't practice the neccessary life-skills when I was younger. I could have socialised more and not been so neurotic about things.

I have nothing against grading school work, but in my country it's becoming a kind of social segregation system.
It's just getting crazy. I have nothing against healthy competition, but this is insane.

Parents and peers have a huge influence on this. As a generalisation parents with low self esteem and low ambitions have children the same. Parents with high self esteem who are ambitious tend to have children who are also confident and ambitious. Sad fact of life.

Oh, thank you guys for being so understanding! This is some of the best support I have ever gotten on this forum! Thank you all.

Last edited by Stereokid on 03 Mar 2009, 8:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I also did find out on various websites on the 'Net that there are various ways to increase your chances of being chosen as an extra.

You have to stand up, jump up and down, wave your arms, and scream really loud. It also helps if you're sitting in the front half of the stadium. Now, my parents are going to let me make a fool out of myself, but I'm worried that they won't want to try to get a seat near the front.

I'm a bit of a pessimist, but I base that on experience.

How likely any goal you have being a success or failure is largely based on the odds of ANY person being able to do it.

Anyone can be a Navy S.E.A.L. in theory....those who actually complete training are just a fraction of those who are accepted into the program. Raw numbers don't lie.

Still, if you keep at least one foot firmly on the ground, you can still dream and give it a shot. I think the critical point is to know that a lot of goal you may aim for will likely never happen, and if you purpose yourself on the journey and not just the goal, at least if you fail you still gain something from all of it.

The critical issue is if pursuit of a goal would be time-consuming and expensive....then you want to know the odds of success before you make such an investment.

Your goals at Disney World may be unrealistic, but not impossible. Contact some high ranking muckity mucks at Disney World and see if something can be arranged. You won't know if you don't try. Heck, as someone with AS they'll likely be more sympathetic to your dreams.

I'd pay to see your therapists' face when she reads my post. If you give her mine to read, promise to come back and tell me!