Which would bother you more?

Post Reply New Topic

Say you meet someone who you will see again fairly often because they are a coworker, live next door, are dating a sibling, they work at a place you frequent, etc. You say hello and are getting along fine. You see them two or three more times and have light conversation. You are fairly comfortable and they seem to be too. You like this person and it seems that they like you.

Well, it just had to happen. You make a comment that could be taken by someone as offensive, but you didn't mean it that way. Which scenario would bother you more;

1. The person is offended but knows that you didn't mean it offensively
2.. The person is not offended but assumes that you meant it offesively


In other words, would you rather hurt somebody's feelings and they aren't mad at you over it and they don't think bad of you
or
would you rather not hurt somebody's feelings but they do think bad of you because they think you were trying to?

In either scenario there will be no repercussion, they won't say anything to you. They won't talk bad about you nor will they show any ill will toward you. You will have absolutely no side effects from this, no matter what. All that happens is an uncomfortable silence and then conversation resumes. In this scenario you do not try to explain. (I would, but lets just say you dont and I dont)

Which would you rather have happen?

Either scenario does damage to the relationship.

I would prefer the first scenario though as in that situation the damage is caused by the other person taking offense, even though they knew no offense was intended. They are therefore more likely to get over it themselves (i.e. "they didnt mean that", "im reading too much into it", etc.).

The second scenario I think is worse because the person then has the belief that I am out to hurt them (I am the one trying to damage the relationship) and the fact that they do not take offense is due to their strength of character (i.e. they are all good, I am not).

HA!

You are great, thanks for posting

This happens to me ALL THE TIME. I don't do well with new people at all. Sometimes I wish I had a sign around my neck that said, "Don't feed the autistic scientist."

So my new receptionist walks into the building, because the gal that I have to interview her/hire her decides it's a Good Idea(tm) to introduce her to all the clinicians. Everyone SCATTERS. I, on the other hand, forget to close my door all the way and ... then I notice my door slowly opening, and the gals walk in... "Oh, Bloom IS in! Come on in Ms. Receptionist!" - At this point, things would have been OK if it had gone like this, "Bloom, this is your knew receptionist. Receptionist, this is your new Bloom."

Alas.

"Bloom! No one else is here, and your door was nearly shut, like you didn't want to be bothered!"
"I don't want to be bothered, I have things to do."
"But I have your new receptionist here..."
"...yes, and reception is in front, not in back."
"Don't you want to meet her?"
"No, I don't."
"Oookay!"

I was later told I was very rude. I thought I was *just* honest. I went to the woman later and explained that I was just being honest, and that she would eventually get use to it, and that I meant no harm. She still works here, and we get on great, today.

I think it's much easier to repair unintended harm than it is to change someone's mind about your intentions.

My two pence

_Bloom

#1 is the lesser of two evils.

1. The person is a self-absorbed and judgemental idiot. Pretending to be "offended" by something that you know was not intended as offensive is nothing but self-indulgently taking the opportunity to tell the whole world (or yourself) how sacred and special your values and beliefs are, when they are probably BS in the first place.

2. If they don't believe me when I say I have no interest in offending them, then they are also overly judgemental and ignorant, and there is no point in talking to someone who doesn't listen.

The latter is making a more reasonable mistake and they are probably not as much of a mindless hypocrite as the first type of person invariably is.

Should someone who was beat not be physically hurt if the person who beat them though it was for their own good?

Should someone who is abused be told that they weren't abused because the other person didn't mean to hurt them, they only meant to control them?

Should someone who is being told that they're worthless be not hurt because the person speaking wasn't trying to hurt them?

Your statement there is incredibly offensive, and I have a feeling that you didn't mean it to be so. However, the fact that you did not mean it to be so, does not change at all that it hurts me a lot to be told things like that.


I've been dealing with the other side of that lately. The fact that they didn't mean to offend me or didn't mean to hurt me, doesn't mean that it didn't hurt. It just means that I can take into account that it wasn't purposeful when I have to deal with them later.

I don't understand why a person would be offended if they knew that I didn't intend to offend.

If they weren't offended, they probably wouldn't even remember the interaction, so there would be no harm.

There are words, phrases, statements, etc. that hurt no matter the intention. Sort of like accidentally stepping on someone's foot.

Is it important to establish whether someone should have been offended because of what you said? Is it bad to simply apologize and make a note for future reference?

Is it important to establish whether someone should feel pain after you accidentally stepped on their foot? Is it bad to simply apologize and try to be more careful?

^this

The truth is some things hurt whether you intended it to or not or not. Also, calling someone who just got offended a "self-absorbed and judgmental idiot" is going to make them question whether you're being sincere in saying that you didn't mean to offend. It also comes off as you invalidating their hurt feelings by accusing them of "faking" offense and then pouring a bunch of salt in their wound. I personally don't see the point in driving some point home for the sake of being "right" when in all likelihood it isn't worth escalating it into a bitter battle of words. I seriously don't see the point even if the person did completely misunderstand you. It makes more sense to just apologize, explain yourself, and let it go. I also can't help but notice the hypocrisy in becoming extremely offended that someone would take offense to something you said.