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Gnosis
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08 Jan 2006, 7:34 am

Hey all it has been awhile since I postd here but I have been reading Jerry Newport's book on the question of sexuality amongs us aspies and I have come to a stark conclusion. The misuse of aspie's emotions in both platonic and romantic relationships seems to be way too commonplace. I honestly thought that maybe this was something that only I had expirienced but after reading Jerry's book it seems that it happens quite alot. What gives? and also another question, dpoes it happen more to us guys than girls? or is it an equal problem for both sexes. I know in my own expirience I am very intense with someone Ilike even in the initial stages of a friendship and I have also rushed very quickly into serious relationships. I have found that my partner is willing to give just enough to keep me hanging onto her but there is no real emotional support in the relationship. She also seems to be willing to let me shoulder the blame for this. Most of my past relationships have had this sort of problem and before I honestly thought maybe it was something I was doing wrong but maybe in fact it wasn't me at all. As an aspie I know I am willing togive and give and give of myself when I believe that someone truly cares for me and I often feel that being taken advantage of whether intentional or not. Wht can;tlove be simple LOL I am slowly(ok it took me 4 weeks instead of 2 days) entering into a new relationship and this girl seems different. I am scared that one day I could wake upand it could all go to hell but she does seem,,,,,,,,,,genuine. Anyway what I really wanted to ask is,,,, has anyone else noticed a misuse or exploitation of your emotions in relationships? even friendships?
Thanx for letting me ramble
Mike



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08 Jan 2006, 7:46 am

I havent met anyone fascinated or even content with my appearance or personality. Side A of personality cries like a desperate lonely loser. Side B sits in a comfortable chair with a unlit cigar: "You know, you do look hideous and have undesirable behaviors and beliefs" Side A: "I know! We're dooooooomed!"


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Gnosis
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08 Jan 2006, 7:56 am

yeah I am my own worst critic too I weigh nearly 400 pounds it astounds me that anyone would ever want to care for much less love "me"



larsenjw92286
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08 Jan 2006, 8:51 am

I observe that a lot.


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quietangel
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08 Jan 2006, 9:53 am

Gnosis wrote:
Hey all it has been awhile since I postd here but I have been reading Jerry Newport's book on the question of sexuality amongs us aspies and I have come to a stark conclusion. The misuse of aspie's emotions in both platonic and romantic relationships seems to be way too commonplace.

To give the others the benefit of the doubt (who have not read Jerry's book) could you please fill the rest of us in on the jist of what this statement means?
Gnosis wrote:
I know in my own expirience I am very intense with someone Ilike even in the initial stages of a friendship and I have also rushed very quickly into serious relationships. I have found that my partner is willing to give just enough to keep me hanging onto her but there is no real emotional support in the relationship.

I have noticed this in past relationships. When I feel emotions, they tend to be magnified, almost uncontrollable. I have also pondered, quite extensively the question that am I feeling my own emotions or a projection of theirs.
Generally I am VERY giving in a relationship, like you described, and I think that NT guys may find that a quality to take advantage of...


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Gnosis
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08 Jan 2006, 10:12 am

I thought I had kind of explained it but I'll give it another go. Jerry in his book discribed situations of aspie's who were very focused almost fixated on trying to find someone who will love them. in some instances we'llmake a friend who seems to accept us as we are but when an idea comes out that we are interested in more of a romantic relationship instead of being honest with us they'll lead us on using our emotions our "triggers"(that is my own word for it) against us. For me and my last relationship(which sadly was with a married woman I had known for quite a while who told me she was unhapy and wanted out) was like a yo yo. She knew(cause I told her) that I had a psychological trigger connected to abadonment and whenever I did something wrong said the wrong thing or whatever she'd tell me it wouldn't work only to beg me to come back. Thjere were also times that she would come up with the idea of spending time together online(long distance relationship) only to not show and have some excuse as to why she wasn't there. I'm going into an emotonal crash and she is getting upset with me because sher just cannot see why I am upset. This almost seems like a form of emotional abuse on her part but I guess I could be wrong. I know I was wrong to 'date' her in the first place but she seemed to be offering things that my marrige was not(long story) though I didn't leave my wife to be with this person we did manage to connect during the seperation. And now that y'all know my life story for the last year or so I'll stop typing
M



pyraxis
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08 Jan 2006, 12:08 pm

Nomaken wrote:
I havent met anyone fascinated or even content with my appearance or personality. Side A of personality cries like a desperate lonely loser. Side B sits in a comfortable chair with a unlit cigar: "You know, you do look hideous and have undesirable behaviors and beliefs" Side A: "I know! We're dooooooomed!"


Well, I have no idea what you look like, but IMHO you have a pretty cool personality. Weird can be good! :)



Funaho
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08 Jan 2006, 5:26 pm

quietangel wrote:
Generally I am VERY giving in a relationship, like you described, and I think that NT guys may find that a quality to take advantage of...


Yes I'm that way too. My ex gf took advantage of that for six straight months. :(


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danlo
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08 Jan 2006, 11:09 pm

I hate emotional manipulation. I can't stop myself from doing it. It comes out in everything, my mind just unconsciously constructs everything to evoke a certain set of emotions. I used to employ it often to get an edge over my family, move them to anger and then play on the emotions of my mother to act on my behalf, play everyone against each other, and other such tactics. As such, my siblings all believed that my mother favoured me, and I fostered that view.
Since last year, my siblings have changed and they no longer allow me to manipulate them in the same way. They have learnt what I did at an early age, the ability to force another to play by their rules. They just refuse to play my game and we get along a lot better now. I am aware of the damage I caused them and I have tried to change the nature of my manipulation. Now I try only to make them feel better about themselves, and to act as a support. But of course, there are the occasional relapses, because it's so ingrained into my different personalities.
I don't think there's anything wrong with being just a giver in a relationship, but sometimes part of giving includes receiving. It can sometimes really help people to let them know that they can help you.
Grrr, even in this post I can see a lot of manipulation. Little words and the arrangement of sentences, the absence of certain words, the inclusion of others. There's not a sentence written that doesn't contain some measure of it. I hate it! Even this little addendum has a manipulative purpose. Purposes within purposes. I have to erase everything time and time again until all the manipulations have been driven out, and I'm usually left with only a sentence of pure information. There is a ton of information hidden in long manipulative posts, if only you can see.



Gnosis
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08 Jan 2006, 11:44 pm

I didn't see anything manipulative in your statements at all. I understand where you are coming from for just as strong as I feel my emotions have beem manipulated and misued I myself am guilty of manipulation though never with the intentions of hurting anyone mostly I did it for attention and the feeling of being care for deep down behind all the layers of what make up my personality I'm just lonely and sometimes feel that I always will be



danlo
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09 Jan 2006, 12:16 am

Ha yes, who would think we'd learn that specific interaction game better than those who made us play it, or that you'd grow to love the game, and be unable to stop playing? It's not fair that by using the same game to protect yourself from bullying, you end up making them the victim, and then you feel guilty about it. After all, that's what they were trying to do to you!

Heh, I should point out to you all the manipulations. I can see them plain as day.
Evoking sympathy: Show a bit of emotion, using strong evocative words like "hate". Then speak about how its a part of you. People will get the feeling that you hate yourself. "I am aware of the damage I caused them".
Of course, there's the ego part. Make yourself seem smarter than you are: "I used to employ it often", "other such tactics", "I fostered that view", "They have learnt what I did at an early age". All manipulations to portray myself as smart and devious.
Then, there's the fact that I do manipulate as I used to, and people know this, instead of making it a definitive statement and making it seem as if I'm lying and trying to make myself sound better than I am, you put words that show you aren't infallable, that you're not omniscient. Not only allows people to empathise, but also plays on the sympathy card, and makes the statements easier to believe: "I have tried to change", "Now I try only", "there are the occasional relapses", "I don't think".
And then of course, there are the statements to make me sound altruistic: "Now I try only to make them feel better about themselves, and to act as a support.", "It can sometimes really help people to let them know that they can help you."

The absence of manipulation exists only in silence, and even that can be used to good effect in certain situations.



hermit
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09 Jan 2006, 12:32 am

danlo,

what if you take every instance of the word "manipulation" in your two posts above and substitute "communication"?

It's worth a read, doing it that way.



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09 Jan 2006, 12:58 am

Sometimes i use the eye rollig one :roll:

when i probably should have used the wink :wink:


That is how i have misused emoticons :roll:


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Gnosis
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09 Jan 2006, 1:04 am

I wasn't really wanting to focus on how we may have misused others emotions more on how others in friendships and relationships may have misued ours



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09 Jan 2006, 3:36 am

:oops:


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danlo
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09 Jan 2006, 10:40 pm

Gnosis wrote:
I wasn't really wanting to focus on how we may have misused others emotions more on how others in friendships and relationships may have misued ours

Why focus on that, Gnosis? Then you get a skewed idea of things, like the view that we're always the innocent ones who get rolled over. It breeds hate and gives people something to latch onto and stew over. If you focus on all the emotional manipulation we do, and face it we all do it too, then you can cut them some slack and remember that they're no more perfect than you are.