Dealing with a parent who doesnt understand aspergers

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I am having one hell of a time dealing with my dad. Tonight I admit, I cried a bit I got so frustrated. I hardly ever cry. I guess maybe I hold my emotions in check for a very long itme until I finally see something and just break down. Well tonight was one of those times.

Anyway, my question here is, how do you deal with a parent who not only doesnt believe in autistic disorders, but also thinks you are a total failure because of how slow you devleop? He still thinks of me like a teenager because lets be honest, I dont act or take interest in common adult things. I have a job, and I do ok for myself, but when it ocmes to managing everyday independent life, the possibilities scare me to death. I am always htinking of one million different outcomes and things I have to do to get through every stupid day and it gets mentally exhausting. But the most frustrating thing is, my dad totally DOES NOT UNDERSTAND nor does he even WANT TO. Im fortunate that my aunt recognized my problem and pointed out to me that I have aspergers (will be tested officially in the summer) and my mom is 100% supportive, but it really hurts that my dad does not even want to consider whats wrong with me and work with me through it. Hes a perfectionist on top of that and you can imagine how tough that makes it. Does anyone have suggestions on how to get a really steadfast, traditional, conservative htinking father to understand this crap? Im running out of ideas.

My father is like your father. He is a psychology grad and does not believe in autistic disorders (at least the possibility of it in me.). Personally I think he's somewhere on the spectrum too - but of course he does not believe in them in himself either.

Regardless of the label you have (now that I have one, it really doesn't feel any different) the problems are still going to be there. One way I'm thinking of approaching my dad about it is to list out a very specific problems to him, and then explain exactly how I am going to make it better, or how he can make it easier for me to overcome them.

Eg: comprehension difficulty - "I find it difficult to follow verbal conversations quickly. It will be easier for me to understand and obey you if you can give me less information at a time."
Eg: executive dysfunction - "I forget things very easily and wish I could remember them better. It is easier if I have a routine for a list of things to do instead of having to do everything at once. For example I will try to do the laundry at 5 pm today."
Eg: reading emotions - "I have difficulty reading your facial expressions. Am not sure if I have offended you, can you let me know if I have?"

etc.

When he realises the extent of your problems he may be more accepting of FIRSTLY you and SECONDLY your difficulties, and, as a distant third, the diagnosis.

all my life my dad was never satisfied with anything I did. Nothing I was interested in really matched his interests, since hes very mechanical engineering minded and systematic. He bleieves that people are just normal or screwed up and that I obviously fit into the latter category. He gets VERY frustrated with me, telling me to shut up when hes trying to watch something (and I didnt realize it right away) or telling me Im too loud or that I am an idiot because Im clumsy. He refuses to accept this and considers it an excuse for me to be lazy or dumb or gay or whatever the hell it is he wants to label me as. I know he genuinely cares about my future so Im sure its difficult for him, not wanting to recognize this problem and how to deal with it. Hes just really set in his ways and it drives me mad. WE have alot of fights because of it and I try my best to hang out with him, but its extremely difficult and fraught with worry and low confidence. Im always afraid I will do something stupid to just ruin the day. I love my dad a lot so this is VERY difficult to cope with and I sincerely wish he'd taker the time to understand me. To stop saying Im just a child who will never grow up and that my interests are not just childish fantasies. Its just.....I dont know what to do anymore. ITs why I broke down today. It all just came down on me like a 100 ton weight.

I have cried MANY times in half as many days, not including the times I cried myself to sleep. You are not completely desolate in this.

I sense you really want to make it right with your father. I do with mine too. And yeah I think our fathers are very similar (perfectionistic, set in their ways) Because our fathers do not understand the situation, it will take a LOT of work from me/you. I need to come to him with a humble attitude and say JUST enough for him to know what my exact difficulty is. I'm going to try to keep the difficulties very specifically linked to my AS as well - as opposed to talking about how I feel about him. Like if I feel upset every time I look at my father I won't tell him that, rather say something like "I am finding it difficult to make eye contact but still want to respect you" in a quiet tone of voice.

It is all about the sort of management that people on the spectrum are not very good at. And it's stuff I am determined to learn. Otherwise my father will never understand.

its just that, he's really worked himself crazy providing for me and my brother. He really wants us to be successful in life and according to him, thats a vastly different path than the one Im taking. Hes convinced Im heading for a dead end. Hes always tried very hard to communicate with me and it just has never clicked between us. Weve never once operated on the same wavelength, where I felt truly comfortable speaking to or being with my father. I can tell he loves me and would do anything to protect me or my interests, but I really feel that he is the most hurtful person I have dealt with, because of him being my father and so close and yet feeling like a total stranger.
It got so stressful for me that it finally did get me to move out when I was 22. I still ocme home on the weekends and even go to the rifle range or to amateur radio events or running the roads with him, and sometimes that actually works well. but inevitably, he mentions to me how disappointed he is and how my life is just stagnant to him. He asks me if Im gay ( I am definitely straight) because I dont date. I tried twice to the best of my abilities, but one was lying behind my back and the other fell for someone else. I am grateful for what I learned but it still hurt to be rejected, even moreso than if a normal non asperger person was rejected, because I felt even MORE like a hopeless alien. So since I avoid dating or showing my dad my interest in girls, he htinks I MUST be gay. Thats just another example of him bleieving what he wants and having none of wwhat I have to say.

No parent ever wants to hear that there is something wrong with their child.

Especially... no parent ever wants to hear that a genetic condition (ie: their fault) has been passed to their child.

Your father is probably just in denial. Let him have a bit of time to think about things - eventually he'll come round (probably).

In the meantime, worry about yourself, not what others think.

My dad was like that once.... It took years but eventually he got over it and is very supportive now.

Most likely he recognizes he may have some of the symptoms of Aspergers so he doesn't want you getting diagnosed because it will lead suspicion on him.

Not only that I noticed where you live. I grew up in the South too. Let's face it people there tend to be on the stupid side. My parents are very ignorant about medical and mental health issues as well as a lot of other things. My advice is do like I did and run like heck from the South and move somewhere out West to get away from family.

Jeff I hate to say this but I'd pack my bag and get out of there while you can.

My mom was like that. She thought I could do everything the same way as everyone else. I could physically, just not psychologically. Psychologically, I was stressed out and wanted to do autistic things to de-stress. My mom let me do them but she also wanted me to make the same grades the other students were making in school and to be just like them except for when I was drawing or running around. It's a tough balancing act. You have to deal with people sometimes but there's a pull in the opposite direction and you want to get away. That's how it's been for me.
My mom has found this frustrating at times because she likes being around people. She liked going to school everyday and can deal with people's reactions without wanting to leave or staying quiet and fretting. Whenever I expressed school avoidance her response was "But I always liked school and had fun there. I wanted to go" which wasn't much help, hearing that.