like the p.f. song: IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE

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hey you,standing in the cold.........ok, not standing in the cold but sitting in front of your laptop......are you there? having a.s. is tough, with infinite variations......know what though, i find punching the keys is therapy. makes the sleepless (it's 0330) nights go easier. i feel you're there but you never participate. why not? sure, some of us get in heated discussions, but that's all it is. i certainly climb on top of anyone who makes light of non-human animal abuse.

if you look but do not join in, now is the time and this is the place. it feels good to write how you feel. if you're not a complete jerk, you will find a connection with someone who thinks the way you do on a subject.

so do it. let us hear from you. help us tear down the wall.

"Brain Damage/Eclipse" is a special song to me. It reminds me of how the phycologists and doctors were making me feel as a child. I was becoming agressive and confrontational due to the bullies at school and no one doing anything about it and being told it was my fault. The shrinks made me feel as if I was an expirment, a freak, crimimal, terroist and evil...all at the same time. Instead of getting to the root of my problems or doing anything about it, they just gave me drugs. When the drugs didn't work they just gave me more. The shrinks told my parents that I was basicaly ret*d and would grow up to live in an instution or group home. When I was in the phyc ward at age nine, the whole expirence was surreal and I still have nightmares about it. I felt like they were trying to get inside me and find out how I ticked as they made me normal.

People think my extreme opposition to vivesection and animal testing is wrong and that I also have no empathy but I think I have such an extreme aversion to it becasue for a while, I felt like a lab animal myself. I was forced to do stupid, pointless things, go through painful tests, take drugs I had no idea what they were for and that often made things worse, be teased and harassed by the hospital staff because I made too much noise or had trouble adjusting or sometimes for no reason at all, and had no idea why I was there and all I wanted was to go home but they would not let me or even give me an estimate on how long I would be there. I had meltdowns and tantrums whenever I asked about me going home and they would give me pills to make me "calm down". I felt trapped and betrayed by my parents. "Brain Damage/Eclypse" reminds me of the surreal feeling I had and how horrible I felt. They wanted to "rearange me until I was "sane". And I bet they wanted to give me a lobotomy.

THAT.... is a rad song.

Although I have trouble listening to the wall these days. It's pure genius and for years I loved it, but I have to be careful with how depressed it can make me.

I mostly stick to dark side of the moon or Roger Waters solo stuff these days.

"Hey You" from The Wall describes how I feel half the time. Calling out, but no one can hear. They're all deaf.

The Wall basically describes how I feel and amplifies the depression. Yay.

Seriously, emphasis on the depression. It's one of my albums that I'm really afraid to listen to since I really don't want to fall into deep depression again, it was an abyss. I regret buying so many depressing albums when I was depressed...

I do like most of Pink Floyd's catalogue, though. I'm less uncomfortable with their other albums. The Wall is an incredible album, I just don't want to listen to it as more than background music.

PUNKY KAT......thanks for sharing with us. our experiences as kids were completely opposite. my father hated me and the only reason i can think of that he did not kill me was that he wanted me around to torment. my mother could not take care of herself, much less me. my earliest years were with my grandmother who did bizarre things to me. she couldn't help it, she was schizophrenic. maybe i was lucky in a way, that no one cared about me. it seem that in trying to help you, your parents caused you great anguish.

i hope things are better for you now.

Dnuos...........in complete honesty, the only way i was able to beat severe depression (doc wanted to hospitalize me) was intense aerobic activity. not a little-a lot. i became a marathoner, a bicycle racer and a free climber. i had a few years of feeling good about myself, the only time in my life for that. feeling wonderful physically and mentally was a completely new experience for me. screw a.s. screw n.t.'s i was complete in myself. then i was run over by a drunk driver (a bum actually) and literally and figuratively murdered. all that work gone. everything i had accomplished, just vanished in an instant. i sank even lower than before.

what about giving running a try? it takes long, slow distance running. it's hard at first but trust me, it will be worth the effort. look up 'running and depression' on the internet, see what you find.

After seeing the movie, I couldn't listen to the album for the longest time (and I haven't tried in a long time), but I find I have no problems listening to the live album, which IMO is superior anyway.

There is a song that I can connect to really well...My True Self (It's a Vocaloid song, so try to find it on the internet). I feel bad about my self most of the time, and I feel like I can't talk to people outside of the Internet, but I somehow find one person who can get me through this and understand.

That's certainly an interesting topic for me... I was on the school's football team for five years. It gave me more reasons to be depressed; I was never good enough, always lagging behind (which I attribute to the lack of coordination associated with AS) and it definitely opened up bullying possibilities, being targeted - I think I had a death threat once - not just "I'll kill you during tackling drills in practice", but "when this bus gets back to school, I'm going to murder you in the parking lot".

However, the intense training of being on the football team is the only reason I have some of the successes I have now - it's a major trade-off. During those five years, my depression and other moody issues were mostly suppressed. It wasn't until a few months after my last season ended, that I got major depression. So I can support the fact that exercise can beat depression. The problem is, I made the mistake of taking a break. In depression, when I took a break at something like that, I never ended up going back! I keep trying to get a good running/exercise schedule for me going, but the trouble is sticking with it - these stupid medications they have me on make me too tired, so it's harder to get the motivation.

I still hope to have this stuff figured out one day, and be able to get a good exercising routine going.

I have recurring severe depression, but I'm not in a severe depressed episode right now. I was in one earlier this year, and it was pretty much hell on earth. I do not want to go there ever again, nothing compares to it. xD