I Need Courage

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...to break up with BF and sustain his charms to lure me back in. His disrespect for me is immense, although I know it is unintentional. He costs too much money to feed and babysit. I am not his mother.

..to quit smoking for good. I read today that a bipolar female has a 6% rate for successful quitting. I don't care because I was spending $200 a month to smoke 30 cigs a day BEFORE the Oregon AND national tax hikes. I only make $1250 to live on. I must eat. I must be able to purchase clothing occasionally. I want to buy a new cat.

..to face the fact that I might get denied for benefits because the DD office is SO slow in giving me a code and calling it in to the Disabled Services office in time! I keep calling and I'm sure I'm driving them batshit but I have to do this. There is money riding on this, back benefits owed to me that I need.

..to realize that there will be a way for me to get to my medical appointments, despite my agorophobia and lack of ability to sense direction or read maps or keep right and left straight in my head. I have to do it, with or without BF. I need a LOT of courage to try.

I feel trapped and powerless.

I did write to a friend and ask to go to church with her next week. So, maybe I could meet people, take a class, etc. I'm trying to branch out and make new friends.

I've spent this whole beautiful weekend inside with no human contact practically. Nowhere to go, nobody to see, and BF has not even called since he showed up in the middle of the night while I was asleep to turn all my lights on to look for a med bottle he lost.

I felt berzerk. Every two hours, I've been dozing for two hours. Nothing is keeping my attention very well and I'm not enjoying what I used to do as much.

Courage comes from being in situations that demand it of you. I place myself in my most stubborn place in side of me and just refuse to succumb to any enticement to the contrary. When I love I love unconditionally and totally, and to withdraw myself from that situation, I just put down my donkey head and dig in my donkey heels and I don't budge.

Of course, my heart bleeds from lacerations deep and cruel. And that feeds my stubbornness to make it stop. Because making it stop is the only peace I will find.

all my best to you, my sister.

Merle

Thank you. I feel so anxious I could throw up.

As a 23-year old male college student, I won't pretend to relate to the difficulties confronting you. I've never had a girlfriend. I overcame my chronic addiction to videogames by simply giving them away (I suppose there's no equivalent solution for smoking). I've had to pinch pennies now & then, but I've never come up short. So of course, I am in no position to lecture, counsel, advise, or provide guidance to you.

I will however, share a revelation I had recently from these forums:
I came here asking whether I should do something; something that inherently requires courage to perform (show a woman I had a crush on a watercolor portrait I painted of her from a photo reference). I got some encouragement online, but ironically, it's the warnings against my planned course of action that convinced me irrevocably that I must follow thru. Hearing some members suggest that I HIDE it, made me realize the absurdity behind such a suggestion.
Now to relate that to you: I could say, "Yes dump your boyfriend. It will be better for you."
BUT, if I say, "You should stick with him. I'm sure he's trying his best, and you owe him your love in return."...
...did I just make your blood boil? Precisely my point. YOU already know what is right, and what you need to do. Anger makes a great motivator for me (in moderation).
If you ever need more courage, just pretend that a reckless, spoiled, naive, ignorant, cocky, pretentious college boy (me), who only just read your story 15 minutes ago, told you that you should definitely stay with your BF. ARE YOU GONNA TAKE THAT S#&T FROM STUPID STRANGERS OVER THE INTERNET!? I think not

Whitetiger, please take care of yourself.

You have a great deal to process and analyse and get through at present.
I have actually thoght about you when i have not been on WP posting, as I am hearing that things are tough for you.

Most of all, above all else in this world, you need love and respect. THat is very hard for us women with autism, just as it is for the men.
I hope you can get through this and do whatever you need to do to find peace, self-respect, self-love and acceptance. be strong and do not settle for less than you deserve as a human being and damn good person.

from millie x

Thanks everyone. Millie, your words especially resonated with me. I just talked to my aunt about social skills to use with BF.

She told me to act like a friend because BF does not understand that he's being disrespectul and I nag and b***h all the time and doing it again won't help. She said eventually, he'll get the message if I treat him like a friend instead of a romantic partner.

Then, I should gently tell him. I don't think I'll have a problem with that. I don't want to completely alienate him. I value his friendship but I can't take more than that. He's my only friend here, after all.

She also said to contact the pres of an autism charity to ask if there's a volunteer who could give me a ride to my doctor's appointment on Wednesday.

I haven't worked anything else out yet, because it is too early to call any business.

I can relate to you on a couple things here. For one, I often lose my sense of directions too. I played for an unfamiliar church last week and lost my sense of direction after using the bathroom. Then after I played, they had a dinner in the fellowship hall in the basement, then I got lost trying to get back to the sanctuary to get my dulcimers---I ended up on the balcony!

The other thing I can relate to is that it sounds like you are bored? (Nothing is keeping your interests real well). I sometimes get bored, and when I begin to feel unmotivated, I turn to my interests. Now, if your interests aren't keeping your attention, perhaps you might try to modify an interest into something new. For example, I have an extreme interest in ancient Indian earthworks of Ohio---I tired of trying to "sell" my theories to science journals, so I am utilizing that theory in a novel (sci-fi/horror). Perhaps you could take your talent at writing and adapt an interest(s) into it.

There have been times in the past that I feel depressed. I find that writing on my story helps me. I love the ability to create a world that doesn't exist. I do that in my writing. You might give it a try. And I am glad you are considering going to church with your friend. I hope you get feeling better.

Quoting Whitetiger:

Well, I tried not to tell him, but he figured it out. At least, due to my aunt, I approached him gently and with respect, instead of blasting him. We're ok but I'm still very attracted to him and he was wildly apologetic and even offered to buy me my first box of nicotine patches. He wanted a kiss and I did kiss him.

Still, he understands I just want to be friends for now. It really is all I can tolerate at the moment. In other news, I got to sleep for 2 more hours, since I only slept for 3 last night, my dad sent money, I called the dr's office about the klonopin and I called DD services and Disabled Services about my deadline. I feel better. Things will hopefully be accomplished.

Thanks for your responses.

YAY.
the irrepressable and ever-courageous whitetiger is back up on all fours and fighting fit.
The jungle tiger is back.

Now what she has to do is eat well, be kind to self, try to sleep and rest and enjoy herself. take it easy. be very, very. very kind to self. whitetiger needs care and kindness.

maybe some more special project vids or some more writing? (as GLider18 suggests?)


GO GIRL. BIG ROAR.

Thanks for the encouragement, Millie!

Even BF said what I did took courage when I told him I didn't want to be boyfriend/girlfriend anymore.

Next is the stopping smoking. I have to wait until after the doc calls my meds into the pharmacy and I can pick up my patches and my klonopin!

way to go tiger hope u success to stop smoking

Thanks everybody,

I've decided to forgive BF. His mistakes were honestly caused by his AS. He felt very bad and he bought me a box of nicotine patches. It has taken me a long time to make this decision. His habits were so annoying they were driving me crazy!

Now, he is aware of that and why.

DD services never called me back, although I left two messages that it was urgent. My dr finally refilled my klonopin but I have to wait until Wed to pick it up.. which is strange, since they are the ones who told me I could take more than prescribed!

BF has to go to an oncologist. He is having some cancer-like symptoms. We are worried and I told him I'll always be his best friend, so I'll go through anything with him.

But, I haven't even told him yet, but I think I'll be his girflfriend again.

I am glad you came through your crisis, WhiteTiger. I was thinking about you today at work.
I quit smoking on the patches, they work wonders; however I found I had to learn a new 'ritual'. You know that ritual of looking forward to it, slipping away to do it, the lighter, the pack, the smell of the tobacco in the cigarette, the drawing in the smoke, that first exhale when the little screaming me-mes in your lungs get what they are craving and finally STFU!

I had to set time to DO something that requires a little stress relieving ritual. Maybe doing Yogic breathing techniques, or something else you could look forward to, realize and it relax you. But watch it, this is where people just put the next oral fixation that comes to hand FOOD!
AKKK the quitting smoking 20 lbs! Not for you, my courageous Tiger, you will come up with something, I have faith in you.

Merle