How do I help my AS partner?

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Without going into every detail here’s the basic situation. I live with my fiancé and my two children from a previous marriage. She is 47 & has recently (the last couple weeks) been diagnosed with AS.

Because of a work situation (mainly brought on by a couple of jerk supervisors & her AS IMO) she is in “shut down” mode. That means she’s terribly depressed, almost to the point of being catatonic. While she has continued (reluctantly) to go to work she has been mainly hiding her self away in the bedroom for the last month when she is home, barely saying as much as “Hi” to the kids and not much else to me. She is in a highly irritated state, where any noise really rubs her raw. Needless to say it makes for a pretty uncomfortable home situation, for both her & me & the kids, who have been trying to tip toe around the house & be as quiet as possible. I should add she has also recently quit drinking because I just felt it was not a healthy situation for either her, me or the kids. To her credit she has not touched a drop in over a month, I'm very proud of her.

Any attempts by me to “Cheer her up” or to have her look at her situation in any sort of positive light only makes her more depressed and irritated. She tells me “You don’t understand, you don’t understand!” and that it puts her under even more pressure. I just don’t know what to do, it’s like living with the grim reaper.

I know I can’t “change” her. But I just don’t know what to do to help the situation in any way. She spurns every attempt at trying to work through this thing. What can I do to make this better? To help her? Should I just ignore her? Any attempt at everyday “small talk” is like I’m talking to Frankenstein. All I get is dull, flat one word responses or grunts. I have not seen her smile in so long, please, help me.

Oh dear, it does sound like she's horribly depressed. I'd be interested to see what others on here think, I'm fairly new around here, and it's very difficult to give advice except based on imagining how I'd feel if I were in the place of your fiancé. She has only been very recently been diagnosed with AS, which means she's presumably had a whole lifetime of struggling with it and wondering if the problems she had were only due to (as she might have seen it) her own failings as a person, which can be very destructive to self-esteem. I know that I certainly have felt that way my whole life, until quite recently. In the past, she might have felt as if nobody understood her and that people were just needlessly cruel, and in those sorts of times may have sought the only refuge she had - by retreating into herself and becoming very depressed and anxious. I did this myself when being pushed around by bad supervisors at work. I think both of you would benefit greatly from getting to know AS better, you would be able to understand her suffering better, and she would be better able to deal with it. Also, as she is plainly suffering serious clinical depression, maybe she should look at getting treatment for that if she hasn't done so already, just to help her limit the physical symptoms of depression itself and be better able to deal with the problems she has. It's hard when you feel you are under scrutiny at work unfairly, and it's hard not to worry what others think of you. If there was something she could do - maybe talk to the management about the problems she is having, especially if she is formally diagnosed with depression/anxiety and ask for consultation about any unfair treatment she may be experiencing - but that may well have to wait until she is feeling better. However, I would hope that if you carry on showing her the love and support that you plainly have been, then hopefully everything should work out well in the end. If she knows that she is loved and respected then she will surely open up again in the future. But I do think she might need proper medical advice for such a severe bout of depression, and that issues arising from getting the AS diagnosis may be weighing heavily on her mind.

Clarity, realism, and conservative use of your speech. People who have Asperger Syndrome take comfort in the tangible and concrete. Anything else just gets us frustrated. Also, don't interrupt her when she's being choleric and cantankerous: she probably finds it to be vaguely therapeutic. I do. In fact, if she is being disagreeable, consider it a sign that she's trying to shake off the depression; not pleasant, but better that than pitiful and morose.

Nope. I'd drag her off to a psychiatrist and have her pumped full of SSRIs before she could open her beak to complain. But that's just me.

Last edited by ThisisjusthowItalk on 07 Apr 2009, 9:00 pm, edited 3 times in total.

I don't know whether this would help. Does anyone come here as a couple?
Not to hash out personal problems between you, but to clarify how you see things and how you feel in general. Broad issues, interacting with others at WP.
I'm imagining that it would have helped me, back when my marriage was worth saving.

This is not an 'also add' - If I didn't drink in the evening, I would never be able to shut my brain off long enough to sleep, and I'd never be able to get past my social aversion enough to lie in the bed next to another human being. I would however become viciously angry and almost certainly suicidal. The very thought sends me into a panic.

Now, I don't know her situation or habits. Maybe it's a genuine alcoholism problem, especially if it goes on during the day (I've worked with people who carry a bottle everywhere they go - even I admit, that's a serious problem). Or maybe it's a functional coping mechanism - a calming routine. I can already hear the chorus of grief I'm going to get for calling it a stim - but personally, I'd rather drink alcohol than take laboratory concocted Frankenstein pharmaceuticals (some instances of driving while not fully awake without memory of the event have been reported Yeah - no thanks). Too many people go off those meds and straight over the edge.

In any case, at least take into account that she's been detoxing and that makes anyone surly and often very depressed.

You are right, and I didn't mean to discount the effect alcohol plays in the puzzle. But it is just a part of the problem. I agree, she was probably drinking to help her cope. But it was too much, too often, and it wasn't helping the over all situation any. I'm a retired drinker so I know how hard it can be to quit.

Even if she is depressed now she is depressed with a clear head. That can only help her sort things out over time. Pouring a half a case of wine coolers a day over the problem wasn't helping anyone.

Thanks for the input. Funny thing is, today when she was leaving for work I said "Have a nice day" & she kind of half sneered, snarled at me w/a slight dry, grin & said, "How can I have a nice day? I'm going to work?". I thought, "OK, well, atleast being nasty/sarcastic is better than being depressed!"

Thanks much for the input. I am learning as much as I can about AS. Understanding it all is another thing, but it definetly puts things in a different light.

If she hasn't got a replacement for the drinking--you say it used to help her cope--then maybe that's why it's harder. I don't know her, but it's a pretty safe bet that she did it for a reason, not just randomly out of the blue.