AS and parenting

Post Reply New Topic

I've been reading Tony Attwoods The 'The Complete Guide To Asperger's Syndrome', and I came across the section about AS, and parenting. It was IMO bleak, stating that people with AS can "learn to become good parents." I figured that if I searched the internet that I'd be able to come across some positive examples of AS parenting. Well, not really. All I found was page after page talking about abuse, and neglect.

Being a mother is very important to me. You might even say that my kids are one of my special interests. I talk about them a lot in my posts on here. I give them love, affection, a stable environment, and take very good care of them. I receive a lot of compliments on my parenting. Surely, I am not in the minority? Why is there so many negative portrayals of asperger parents?

In other books (like Aspergers and girls) Attwood states that women with Aspergers tend to be caring and empathic, while men often have more difficulties. I don't know if that makes you happier.

I don't even know for sure that I have Asperger's, but I don't doubt my abilities as a parent. I think there probably hasn't been enough research on it, but becoming a parent changes you, Asperger's or not, so perhaps people with Asperger's have a real chance of improving when they become parents? I certainly feel that my children make me better, especially my autistic son.

i am a mother of one with AS> we can learn a lot and be good parents.
I am caring as a woman with AS and as a parent.
I struggle with organisation, his needs and his routine. i will forget to feed him, but not myself. It is a dificulty with mulit-tasking and being responsible for more than the single unit that is me.

still, there is a lot i have learned and i love my son and my son loves me

I've been told I would be a good parent. It's wired into me because I am a control freak, I want things my way, I am demanding and that is what parents are supposed to be. My bf says I treat him like a kid. I told him it's hard to not treat him like one if he acts like one, forgetting to clean up after himself, putting his dirty dishes in the dishwasher, etc. But he does good most of the time. Sometimes he says "Yes mommy."

I don't have an official diagnosis, though I'm pretty sure that I do have AS. I don't have the extra money to be diagnosed ATM. I don't doubt my parenting, either, but i would feel like others will if they knew about my AS. I'm sure that there are certain AS individuals that wouldn't/don't make good parents, but there are a lot of NTs that are bad parents, also. I just feel like there's a lot of bad press, so to speak that generalizes what kind of a parent (and partner) that someone with AS would make.

You're probably right about the lack of research, especially regarding mothers.

Have you ever heard Attwood speak? If you get a chance to, I highly recommend it. He is incredibly supportive of parents with AS. I've heard him speak numerous times and I found him to be engaging and point out the benefits to a person having AS, whether it's the child or the parent(s).

Selection bias is also a factor. The researcher's or person's opinions are skewered by the limited sample that have applied or been selected.

For example: If a company wants to use Baltimore as a test market for a diet pill, and they observe that 95% of the purchasers were overweight or obese, it would be an example of Selection Bias if they were to conclude that 95% of people from Baltimore are overweight or obese.

It's the same thing with most AS-related research. A marriage counsellor who "specializes" in AS-NT marriages (aka Maxine Aston) is bound to conclude that "all people with AS have marriage problems" because she's had very little opportunity to meet someone with AS who doesn't.

If Tony Attwood's patients who are parents come to him, telling him about their struggles, then Dr. Attwood is going to conclude that "people with AS inherently have parenting problems, but they can try and improve". 80% of parents with AS could be doing just fine, and he wouldn't know. He's never met them.

I'm an AS parent and it's far from easy, especially as my child is severely autistic, but I try to do my best. Saying people with AS make bad parents is a broad generalisation for anyone to make. Plenty of NT parents abuse their kids, and plenty of AS parents are loving and attentive. It's more about the personality of the person than what their neurological set up is.

ABSOLUTELY!! !

I am pretty sure that I have AS. My little girl (3.5) is going through an assessment right now and they are leaning towards a diagnosis of AS for her, as well. I have another daughter who is 16! I took really good care of her when she was little. I agree that my children are a "special interest" for me. I read TONS of books while I was pregnant with my oldest daughter. I was so worried that I wouldn't be a good parten because I felt like I had a hard enough time caring for myself sometimes!! I also was young and had other older people in my life suggesting that I would likely fail as a parent due to my age alone. I hadn't been diagnosed with anything back then. Today I have been diagnosed with AD/HD, anxiety and depression.... ergo my thoughts that I probably DO have AS. My childhood fits so perfectly with Attwoods books and so does my adult life. The diagnosis that I have revieved are possibly only "partially" correct.... that's another story, however.

This is about being a parent!! I guess what I am trying to say is this....

When I was younger and had no clue that there was anything "wrong" with me I was still concerned about being a good mom. I fed my daughter, clothed her, washed her, took her to daycare while I was at school, took her to swimming lessons, dance lessons and museums and movies....... you get the picture. We did tons of stuff together and I read lots of books about kids and effectively "studied" everything about the poor little kid! If anything, I was maybe guilty of being "over" concerned as a parent. When I started to realize there was something different about my youngest daughter.... well that is when I found myself reading about AS and thinking "well.... that sure does sound a little too close for comfort!". My oldest daughter is a mystery to me! She is totally NT and I can see that some of the "teen to mom" issues we have are likely related to the AS more than the stage of life. With my little one, I can almost read her mind because we are so much alike. Because of this, I suspect that I may be able to be an even better parent to her! I have that inside track on how to cope and I have the tendancy to want to research everything. Between the two I think I may be able to help her out in ways that no one was ever able to help me. I also think that I will be able to be a good advocate for because we share the same diagnosis. Does that make sense?

In closing, I totally agree that until some parents with AS stand up and say "HEY! CHECK ME OUT! I AM A GOOD MOM" then folks will continue to think that every parent with AS is a bad one. It's just like someone else said on here before me..... there are bad NT parents, too!

Katie_WPG, I think that you have a very valid point about selection bias. The parents that are getting along okay aren't going to be the ones that are looking for help, they aren't going to draw attention to themselves.

Redplanet, I have a son that's severely autistic(and one that not as severely affected), too. You're right, it is far from easy. I may go about things in a different way than many parents, but I think that I do a good job all in all.

Whipstitches, I think that you're right. Maybe more of us ought to stand up, and let others see that neurology alone doesn't make or break a good parent. There is so much diversity within ASD, and none of us are exactly alike. There are some that do struggle with parenting, but those people will usually have an easier time with something else that I really struggle with myself. Like you, I study everything about my kids. I study autism, because my boys are autistic, dyslexia because my daughter (and my husband) have it, asthma, allergies, eczema, ect... I always make sure that their needs are taken care of, and that I also give them plenty of praise, and physical affection. I do have a harder time with the latter, but I do make a conscious effort to do it. I also think that I can understand my boys better, because of my own autistic traits. I often know where they're coming from, when others don't have a clue. I know why my son doesn't want his food to touch, or why he needs things done in a certain order, or why they freak out at Wal-mart. Though, it seems pretty opposite with my daughter. I feel like I'm winging it a lot of the time with her!

I guess a good question could be "Can someone with AS co parent effectively" or does the rigidity and inflexibility become an issue w/the spouse?

That's the issue I'm having. Me (NT) & my spouse (AS stepmother) are constantly bumping heads over the littlest of parenting issues. Everything is great as long as we do it her way & never vary from the rules or schedule. And you know kids...there is always some variation. : ). This causes her stress which causes me stress which can not be good for anyone.

Okay, I will admit, I have the same problem as your wife, to an extent. I went, and read up on your other post about this subject, so that I can feel informed about your particular situation before replying.

First off, your wife is just learning about AS. Before I knew about it my behavior was a lot worse in the area of deviating from my preconceived plans. I had to acknowledge that yes, I do have a problem with rigidity, and it is causing my husband (and sometimes kids) a lot of grief. Anxiety greatly affects my flexibilty, and before I knew about AS (and subsequently why I am the way that I am) my anxiety levels were through the roof. It was as if I was so lost, and confused about life in general that I was desperately trying to control every little bit of my environment that I possibly could. It was a protective mechanism. I had to admit that I can be irrational, and stubborn. I had to make a very strong effort to feel the anxiety building in my body, and take a step back to think about how I was perceiving the situation. Whether I was blowing things out of proportion, or not. It's a very hard thing to do, and I'm not always good at it, but i do make the effort. All that I ask, is that my husband make an effort not to change things around on me at last minute, and to be considerate of some of my difficulties.

My children's feelings mean more to me than my own, and I think that's what stops me from being quite as controlling as your wife. If I micro-manage everything to the last detail then my kids aren't going to be healthy, and happy. No one could be in such an oppressive atmosphere. I'm ashamed that I ever made my husband walk on eggshells trying to avoid upsetting me. AS, or not, I don't have the right to treat others in that way. Hopefully, as your wife learns about AS she'll discover some better coping techniques, and you'll learn some new ways of dealing with the things that she can't cope with.

I am a 44 year old father of two sons (one will be undergoing diagnosis this summer for autism---it runs in the family to certain degrees, and the other son has had ADHD issues).

I love my sons in the way all loving parents love their children. I am respectful of them. But I do not feel like I have given them all the attention they have needed. My wife says I am too hard on myself. I am almost always home with them---so I am there---physically. But I feel I have not adequately played with them in the way most fathers do. I don't play ball, I don't get on the floor and romp around with them, I rarely play games with them, etc. I am just there to talk to them and help them with homework as needed. But yet we do a lot of fun things together. We laugh at the Three Stooges. We camp a lot in the summer. I listen to them. They enjoy my offbeat sense of humor. We are very close.

I have undergone therapy for the issues that concern me. Still, my wife thinks I may be too hard on myself.

I am totally understanding where you're coming from. My husband also says that I'm too hard on myself. That spontaneous, pretend play, physical roughhousing is really. really difficult for me, too. I've only played barbies, and house with my daughter a handful of times in all of her 10 years. I just can't do it. When I was a child the other girls would lead, and I'd follow, and mimic, but when you're an adult you're supposed to lead.

Still, like you, I'm at home with them almost all of the time, and available if they need anything. I am very open to talking about anything with them, and I always treat them like what they have to say is important. Even though my autistic son repeats the same questions all day long I answer them, and try to be patient about it. He's just recently began to want to share things that are really interesting to him, and now I'm beginning to know what it feels like to have a special interest blasted at you. I know it's really important to him, so I try my best to share his enthusiasm.

I think that worrying over my every parenting mistake (even ones that I'm not sure that I committed!) is a big issue. I have to really try to not focus on negative thoughts like that, because if I let them in they will loop in my brain for eternity. I can be way too self critical.

Ah look,

At the end of the day, Tony Attwood is an English bloke, living in Australia who, however well he means, whatever he knows, has consistently demonstrated an extraordinary lack of discernent in his choice of associates (though I should imagine he could learn to make better choices)...

He has also, never even met you...

WHAT ON EARTH could he possibly have to say about your actual abilities as a Mum?

When it comes to parenting, just be the best parent you can be, and PUT AWAY the AS books...they simply do not apply. EVERYBODY has to *learn* to be a good parent.

M.

serenity---We are a lot alike on this. And it seems like you have a good understanding of parenting. I believe I am right in saying that even though we with AS have our challenges with parenting, it really means a lot that we are with our children a lot. I can remember growing up and feeling the comfort and importance of just knowing my parents were home with me.

And it is important to think of the good things. The bad can tear us down. And yes, we are probably too hard on ourselves. Let's look at the good. That is how I view my AS---as a good thing---a gift.