The Detachment

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So let me give you a little bit of knowledge about me first. Im 22, a male, and a little awkward. Growing up I was the outcast in grade school. The person everyone else picked on. Very smart, yet somewhat socially awkward. I kind of unwittingly would listen to every conversation and feel like I was or should be a part of it regardless of the situation. I've always been very loud and talkative. I guess I rubbed people the wrong way. But this isnt about my childhood or my social awkwardness. This is about me being detached emotionally at times, or "The detachment."

Seven years ago my sister was struck by a truck while she was jogging. She barely survived and had brain trauma which, in addition to having to relearn how to do many activities, would lead to seizures three years later. At the time I was in high school, and I felt sad... but I wasnt really devastated like everyone else in my family was. I was told it was shock, or just not being emotionally mature yet. I dunno. I remember not really feeling too upset or angry about things. I felt horrible that she was in pain and that my family was emotionally wrecked... and I felt horrible that I didnt feel that bad.

Two years ago my father died of cancer. Now I was upset by this, and it hit me hard. But again I never really felt too bad. The worst part of it was the 2 month period from diagnosis to his death. I had to watch my father die, and everyone in my family being devastated and stressed. That was tough, but after he died, I felt ok. I'd have moments where I would be sad, but they were never very severe or long. If anything, I pretended to feel worse than I did to fit in more with the rest of my family. I was definitely sad, but not on the level I felt was the appropriate level of sadness.

8 days ago my sister, who had been taking medication for her seizures, killed herself. She was 25 (nearly 26), married, and living about 5 hours from us. The medication made her paranoid and depressed, so it wasnt really a suicide in that she really wasnt thinking clearly. Again, my family is devastated. My mother is a wreck, my sister's husband moreso. And I feel fine. I had one, maybe two days where I felt sad. Now a lot of people say and will say that its still too soon and I'm in shock. But I know myself. This isnt a delayed reaction, this is no reaction. My sister is dead, yet I dont feel pain. I miss her, I know she's gone. But I feel bad not because of this, but because of how hurt the rest of my family is. I have this weird detachment from things. Like Im watching my own life. I know exactly how I'm supposed to feel and respond, yet I dont feel that way.

I told this today to my grief counselor. I had spoken with her (my counselor) for a long period after my father's death and this was the first time I had talked with her in about 3 months. After describing my detachment, she told that I might have some high functioning form of asperger's syndrome. A little wikipedia trip later, and here I am. There's certainly a possibility that I do have some form of AS. But I kind of dont know what that would mean or even accomplish beyond the realization that "Oh so that's why I'm like this." It might make me feel better, but how does that help.

If I do have AS, im very very functional (beyond the clumsiness and some social awkwardness... which over 22 years I've already managed to get to a point where I can interact fairly normally). I dont know. I suspect I'll get a lot of "Im sorry for your loss" responses and people trying to direct me to talk with people about AS.... so I dont know why Im posting this if I already know what most people will say. Guess Im just awkward like that.

what a horrible chain of events. it sounds like your just used to bad news so it doesnt effect you? nobody in my real immeadiate family has died yet, although i did go to my stepdads fathers funeral and i laughed. i dont know why i laughed i just did and was kindly escorted out of the wake

I dont think its me being used to bad news, as if that were the case I would have had a stronger reaction to earlier bad news than I do now. It would mean that at one point I would have been felt worse than I do now... I think the only real difference in my reactions are because of the situations.

My father's death was tougher because it wasnt a sudden thing. It was a slow torture on him. After he died I felt pretty much like I do now. Some sadness, but overall pretty detached from the situation.

dude that sounds like a win-win situation. i mean do you really want to feel depressed and sh-t? bump that. feeling good rules to much

I think it's a myth and a stereotype that people with HFA and AS are emotionless - probably comes from that notion about 'lack of empathy', which I think is also unfounded, or at least obtusely misstated. It is true that we may not often express our emotional life on the surface in a directly visible way, so it can appear as though we aren't very affected. And the difficulties brought on by the disorder and it's social affects probably do lead us to become distinctly cynical over the years.

That having been said, I'm also not one (generally speaking) to grieve for long periods of time. But that doesn't mean that tragedy and loss don't affect me deeply. I just prefer not to wear it on my sleeve.

Also there are many other aspects of AS that I seem to fit.

Of course i might not have it... but it would not be a shock to me if I have some mild form of AS, and it would explain a lot. Specifically my childhood, education, and social interactions all seem to fit into the AS puzzle very nicely. Could be a coincidence. Right now Im just trying to gather information and deal with another chaotic upheaval in my life before making any claims one way or another.

I can relate to this sort of detachment. I can read the Daily Rotten News, watch family guy and south park etc. and for some reason the humor and bizarreness don't bother me , and I was surprised to learn how these can bother other people. Maybe I'm overly secure, maybe I'm just insensitive. At one level, I am laughing at the humor and context, but things don't register with me emotionally in the same way that they do with other people.