Afraid of Losing My Only Friend

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I have had an NT friend for about 2 years. We have gotten on well
all this time, with only 1 or 2 incidents of irritability. Lately, I have
begun to feel overwhelmed. While I really like this person, I feel like
I am not myself, anymore. It's like I am talking to her in my head all
the time, or planning what I will talk about, the next time I see her.
And it isn't pleasant. I feel taken over. I have read about this
happening in both romantic and casual relationships, to other Aspies,
and I fear this is now happening to me. While I don't want to end
this friendship, I am feeling crowded.

I realize that I am doing a lot of adapting, when I am around her.
It is so automatic, that I haven't seen how much it is taking out of
me.
I learned a lot, though, from this friendship. Most of the NTs I've
met, will almost always talk in code, and leave me the hard work
of deciphering what was really meant. This friend strives to be honest.

So, I sort of set a boundary for two weeks. I said I would welcome
e-mails, but not phone calls, because I needed some down time.
I hope that I haven't offended her, because while it is so clear to
me that down time is what I need, I don't know if she will understand.
And, more than that, I am afraid that this will end the friendship.
It has happened so many, many times before!

A large part of the problem, is that at first, we would only hang out
or talk once a week, or even once a month. Now, it seems like a
few times a week. After we have spent time together, she will
often invite me to do something else the same day, or the very
next day! And I, eager to please, have been accepting. I have
to take some down time after socializing, or it becomes an increasing
pressure on the relationship.

Anyway, I just wondered if anyone else has had this problem, and
how you handled it?

I guess I have to ask whether or not she knows about your AS diagnosis. If she does, I have a hard time believing she would end the friendship just because you asked her to e-mail you instead of call you. However, I could be wrong as I’m far from being a social genius myself.

Does she know that you're an aspie, and that needing time alone is pretty much universal among aspies?

This would never occur to a lot of normal people, so she might be inclined to interpret it as you not valuing her or enjoying her company.

Yes, she knows about the AS. She is currently dating a man who
she suspects is somewhere on the spectrum, too.

But the way this all came to a head, was that we were supposed
to go grocery shopping together. I was feeling exhausted that day,
and when she called, I had been trying to catch a nap. I had just
been severely startled by someone knocking at my front door that I
didn't expect. (I have PTSD.) As soon as I lay down again, the
phone rang, and she wanted to know if I could be ready to leave
in half an hour. Since she had told me before that she wasn't going
shopping until the evening, and it was only late afternoon, I felt
rushed and stressed, and said that I would be ready. After hanging up,
I realized that I was way too stressed to go anywhere.
I called her back to cancel, and she started apologizing for being
abrupt. I tried to tell her that I wasn't canceling because of anything
that she had done, but because I was tired. She has a bad habit of
interrupting when she is excited, so I could barely get the words out,
because she kept interrupting and apologizing. This totally wore me down, and
after I hung up, I melted down.

So I decided to ask for time out, for at least two weeks.

Why is it so hard to accept some of the suggestions for joint action and decline the others? In the shopping example, why can't you tell her "Yes, I want to go grocery shopping but only in the evening, because I'm resting now." Sounds like you're able to go only from one extreme to the other - either be totally available at all times or quarantine (= enforced isolation) her. People learn your rythms if you let them. At some point she'll call less times a week if you gently teach her your rythms. Quarantine doesn't do any good to a friendship, while setting everyday little boundaries does. I'd say gentle boundary setting is the key here.

Also, make sure you haven't tacitly agreed to a role of "companion". Are these constant plans being made by both of you and taking into account both your interests and schedules, or does she call you to ask you to tag along to her activities according to her schedule?

I don't think this is about AS at all.

I get the impression she genuinely wants you for a friend and it seems you appreciate her friendship too, just not so much all the time. Seems like something worth preserving.

I think I recall you mentioning that writing is among your vices. It would probably help avoid misunderstandings if you kept up on sending her emails, so she understands you're not trying to get her out of your life.

Yes, sometimes you have to explain to people many times about AS and its effects, I do anyway, I don't think it's that friends don't want to understand but it's difficult to grasp something that they just don't experience themselves. It's horrible that feeling of someone everwhelming your boundaries, I get that sometimes with a very extraverted friend who sees my vital time alone as a rejection...people can invade boundaries without realising how painful it is for those of us who struggle with out paper-thin ones.

I agree with the advice about emails. You're keeping the communication channels open but not having to talk on the spur of the moment, like on the phone, which can be stressful.

It sounds like once a month was OK but more frequent meetings are too much? Are you her only friend? If so, that's a lot to 'put onto' you.

I've had these kind of issues with friends all my life, it is difficult. The only advice I would give really is that if you're feeling overwhelmed then you must put yourself first, take time out, and try not to feel guilty about it, it's self-preservation.

Good luck Hartz, I think maintaining friendships without getting completely overwhelmed is one of the most difficult things about AS.

i think AS is at the core of this, but you're right Greentea, as well
- how are you, dear, it's been a while, i am sorry

i been staring at this thread for a bit, what to share..., how...
i just dont know how to get into this, but i know i will, so...

i also know i'll be thinking about this the rest of the day, so this will get edited/addited


* i am afraid - as we speak - of losing my only friend

i sit watching the screen for her to get online - been doing a lot of that lately;
DANG, if i were religious...., but maybe this is prayer, this pensiveness
i have come to find myself in

* it's to do with communication, i am just 'gestalting' today how to describe, it's all to do with assumptions and miscommunication, and most of all: MIXEDcommunication; but if communication then autism

* it's also to do with properly understanding the channels of communication!! !

suggestion: stop the phone, stop the emailing... try IM (ill explain later)

* it's to to do with the monoprocessing involved in autistic perception - okay: so you BOTH know THAT you are autistic - but do either of you truly understand what that means

*** but MOST OF ALL you're right Greentea

and this is all i set out to observe in this first contribution:

hartzofspace:
the real problem is not in the body of the text of your post(s) or any post in this thread,
it in the title.

WHO CARES whether NT or AS or whatever: it's your ONLY friend

and there is no reason for either of you to give up on that, it just needs managing. Are you prepared to lose the maybe most valuable 'thing' in your life?

Robert

So very true! As my father told me once: "If you're afraid of losing something, a job, a friend, a boyfriend - leave them".

I know from my personal experience that having an only friend is practically impossible for me. The tension, the fear of losing them, the unconscious putting too much in the friendship and making them too much a focus of my attention, the expectation, the need... The more friends I have, the easier it's to keep the friendships.

When she called, she was stressed out, and snapped at me when I tried to explain that I was too stressed to go after all. She hardly ever does that! I was "off balance" because I had been startled and then her behavior finished it. And the fear of losing the friendship made me agree to go, even though it was much earlier than I had expected. I had hoped to get a nap before she was going. The reason we shop together, is that she has a car and I don't, and she tries to help me out by letting me know when she is going.

This is true. I am just now realizing this, and struggling to deal with it. The only reason I go to extremes, is that I can't tell when I am getting overwhelmed until it is too late. I was only diagnosed a few years ago, so I am still learning how to deal with things.

I've got to learn what my rhythms are, before I can teach someone else!

No, she usually calls and asks if I want to do such and such, and I refuse if I am not feeling up to it, or agree. The trouble is, I usually need to process the most simple request before replying, and I have trouble remembering in time to ask to get back to her, before deciding.


I am positive that it is!

You mentioned several "self-traps", none of which is related to AS. Because the reason why you have certain limits doesn't matter. It can be your studies, your job, your sick mother or your AS. We all have limits / boundaries. It's how we go about teaching others to respect them that makes the difference. And the "self-traps" you mention are not caused by AS but by an abusive upbringing.

I always remember something you wrote me once: "One gets saturated at some point" and I always wonder where you are when I don't see you for a while around WP. I'm still considering this saturation issue, and weighing whether it's saturation (in my case) or knowing that much of my present problematic existence is NOT due to AS symptoms but of trauma that started early in my life because, by having AS, I was an easy scapegoat from age zero.

I'm starting to concur with my therapist that one can separate the two and, while there's nothing to do about AS symptoms, we can ease the trauma and become less of a victim and more fulfilled by relationships.

In the novel I started writing and never finished, the woman says (more or less paraphrasing): "Dang, I did it again. I accepted his invitation to coffee before I'd taken the time to present the idea to myself and see if I liked it."

That is what I will do. This way, she won't think I am trying to ease her out.

She tells me that she has learned a lot about AS, interacting with me. And I have advised her (when appealed to) about communication glitches with her boyfriend, from an Aspie point of view.

I had to give up a friendship, about 2 years ago. This woman felt just as you describe. The more she wouldn't respect my boundaries, the more time off I felt that I needed. The stress of it all ended the friendship permanently.

Yes, it is a lot. She is my only friend, but she has family nearby, (I don't) and at least three other friends. So I am always careful not to overwhelm her with demands.

That's what I think, too. Self preservation.

This intrigues me. I need to digest this.

Well, saturation to me, is when I close my eyes to sleep,and see green and blue bands of color behind my lids, as well as lines of text. And user names parade through my thoughts like some kind of crazy litany. At that point, I am "saturated," and have to take a leave of absence. Also, I am usually back to working on my creative writing, from which I had taken a break.

This is very true.

I think you said it, exactly!