I Don't Think He Knows...

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This is going to be a bit of a long-winded post, and I'm a bit new to the inner world of AS, so please bear with me.

I was recently put back in touch with my first and oldest best friend, and without being any kind of expert in these matters, I'm about 95% sure that he's got a serious case of undiagnosed Asperger's. He's always been a bit 'off', but as kids I wouldn't have known what AS was, let alone whether he had it, and it wasn't until I saw him now, as an adult, that it's become totally obvious that there really is something different about him and his behaviors. The problem is, I don't think he knows that THIS is it. He knows he's shy, he knows people look at him differently, but James has never really thought in a 'big picture' kinda way, so I don't know that he's ever even given this a consideration or thought. I don't think he's had or will have any family support where his differences are concerned, in fact I know his mother thought he was 'just a weird kid' growing up and used to tell him so, and I think he's getting to a point in his life where his shyness, inability to generate relationships and tendency to over-drink to get past those two things are really about to take over his life, and he needs help.

Thinking about it since we've seen each other, James was always sort of a 'funny little kid'. We met on the first day of kindergarten (we're both 30 now), and became friends instantly. The story goes, I walked up to him, said 'do you want to be friends?', he said 'okay' and we didn't leave one another's sides until high school. This is the single best human being I have ever known, and I've always been very protective of him because I know that the world always judged him for seeming odd without realizing how amazing a human being he actually is.

Growing up, he was inSANEly smart and more capable of learning than most kids, and could file away information in his head and explain the things he knew to someone else expertly ('little professor' to a tee), but he was awkward and clumsy and shy around people who weren't me, including his own family; I seemed to be the one person with whom he felt comfortable (probably cuz I didn't care that he was an odd little kid, I just let him be himself and loved him for it). He was never overtly emotional, in fact the only times I remember seeing him cry were in response to physical pain, not being emotionally hurt. I used to think he was just really reserved; he seemed completely able to bottle up his emotions and not let anything affect him, which, to a totally emotionally reactionary kid like me was fascinating. He also seemed to not know how to talk to people if he wasn't 'teaching' them. I remember an instance in 4th grade where, in the hallway of our elementary school he listed off every president and vice-president who'd served until that point, but was thrown when, immediately afterwards, our teacher began trying to engage him in a talk about what the job of the president and vice-president were. And it wasn't that he didn't KNOW what their jobs were, it was that one, he didn't care, and two, he didn't know how to turn his lesson into a discussion.

Now, at 30, he seems to fit the vast majority of the AS profile even moreso (or maybe I'm just adult enough to be able to recognize his behaviors better now). He's still shy and awkward, though he's gotten better enough that he makes solid attempts to engage people socially, even if it doesn't always come to the best end. More often than not, though, he ends up either rambling on, talking about something the other person isn't interested in, or picking up conversational threads about 30 seconds after they've started. He's still clumsy and ungainly in his own skin, and, in an ironic twist, is probably more stable and comfortable riding his bike than he is walking on his own two feet. He still to this day can force eye contact, but he can't hold it. He's always had the 'narrowly focused areas of interest'; as a kid it was the inner workings and schematic designs of the Starship Enterprise and the Hubble Telescope, and Legos. He saw things in pieces and knew what those pieces were supposed to be put together to look like. He didn't, however, care what they were to be used for after that. Over the last eight years since we'd last seen each other, his area of focus appears to have become booze, and while I know he's doing a fair amount of self-medicating, I can't help but think that the first time he got drunk he thought 'I'm interested in keeping THIS going' and traded off all his other focus areas for this one, because he talks about liquor now the same way he did the blueprints for the Enterprise-A back in the day.

Okay, all the backstory out of the way, I'm posting this cuz I need to know how to help my friend get the help he obviously needs. From the time we were 5, when James couldn't handle things or his parents got to him or people picked on him, I'd come in, swoop around, fix what was wrong and get him back to a safe space, because I was the one who could. This is obviously what I have to do now because he's hurting and I can't let that go on, especially when he's not really... wired?... to deal with his own emotions. The drinking issue aside, because I know that's a separate thing, the advice I'm asking for is how, from the point of view of everyone on this board, can I bring this to him, tell him 'dude, look? This is obviously what's been going on with you all these years. Let's get you diagnosed and taken care of so you can go about your life knowing who you are finally'? What's the best way to broach this subject with an insecure adult who disconnects himself from, well, himself?

Moreover, what I want to know from this board is, does this even sound like I'm on the right track? I mean, you guys are the ones with the real experience here. Does this sound like a reasonable armchair diagnosis? At least enough to think that it's time that he was looked at by someone more professional than myself?

I know I ramble and I know it's a pain having to chew down this much information, but any and all thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you guys so much.

You might raise the aspie thing by listing the symptoms and then listing behaviors that he shares. If you have enough specific examples, you might catch his interest. Catching his interest is probably the best hope.

If you get his attention on the issue, stress that his social deficits can be overcome with practice. Someone would have to be extremely socially backwards to compete with me and I've learned how to charm people when I want to. I wont maintain much eye contact but I can do it.

But I'm not diagnosed and have no desire to be.

It sounds like he likes lists (or at least, he used to when he was a kid) so maybe send him a list of symptoms, tell him what ones you think he has & give some examples. But be warned that some people may be offended that someone thinks there is something 'wrong' with them. Even more likely, they might already know they are different & get annoyed when someone tells them so (It's kind of like 'rubbing salt on a wound'). Still if you think his life would be improved by telling him you think he has AS, then go ahead. He might totally agree or he might not see it at all but it's worth a go.