NT friends not understanding

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As with everyone here, my AS affects and infiltrates my daily life in all kinds of subtle ways. I have many NT friends, whom I love dearly, but often I feel there is this deep misunderstanding between us. I have told all my closer NT friends about my AS, and even tried to explain to them how it affects certain aspects of my interaction with them, but they laugh it off or tell me I'm imagining it. This can become a real problem because when inevitable clashes occur between their wants and needs and mine, they automatically misunderstand the reasons behind the clash and often assume negative things such as rejection.

A good example would be last night, where my close friend and I cuddled up in my bed to watch a movie after drinking. I said to him, look we can watch the movie, but after that you have to go back to your own bed to sleep because I cannot sleep when in physical contact with another person, or indeed even if that other person causes any alteration to my bed routine (the ways I lie, arrange my blankets, etc). He totally didn't get this, and went on and on about relating it to trust and closeness (just so you don't get the wrong idea - he wasn't trying to pressure me into anything, he is just a cuddly person and I have a lot of NT friends who like to sleep with their friends (again, I'm not talking sex/sexual here)), and said that if I just relaxed and stopped worrying about whether he was comfortable or not the problem would go away (which, as we all know, is a rather pointless thing to say to an aspie). Finally I was too tired to argue and ended up lying awake in intense discomfort all night. In the early hours of the morning (this morning), he woke up briefly to see me sitting in my usual ball staring out the window. So he went to bed. Now I'm certain he thinks I'm not comfortable around him, or don't trust him, or something ridiculous because he links my potential motives back to those of his and of his NT friends.

Ridiculously, this is not the first time this scenario has happened (except with different people) and I'm getting jolly tired of having sleepless intensely uncomfortable nights.

This is only the tip of the iceberg, and my NT friends (although not all of them; there are exceptions) just won't listen to reason, or either don't understand, or refuse to listen, when I try to explain by linking the miscommunications back to my AS. It's frustrating.

Can anyone relate?

ahh. the bed, so many good times, yet causes so many problems. i would have the same problem, if i was doing whatever. people breathing on me really freaks me out for some reason, and also people smell. like im dead serious, i wouldnt be able to sleep next to someone knowing they smell, bodys warm and breathing on me like a camel

Can relate.

I think since we look like them, they really want to think we are like them. - Moreso if we are liked. They really want us to be "normal," don't wish to believe that anything might be different. Kind of a denial.

And so all actions are interpreted through this "normal" prism.

Red-green colorblind people look "normal" - yet try explaining to one what red or green looks like - or having them explain what their perception is.

Two worlds.

I don't have an answer, only to say yes I know and it is frustrating.

But I have used the red/green analogy, and some of the more thoughtful ones get a glimpse. Though they still don't really believe.

.

Hi Sunshower - I can relate.
THere is an enormous gulf between me and most of the people I know. This is the loneliness of autism. Then there is the pressure that how one is is somehow faulty and not ok.
I am slowly learning at 46 - to stop expecting anyone to understand - except maybe a few other autistic people and also my psychologist who is an Autism/AS specialist.

also sunshower mo money mo problems. remember remember the 12th of november or whatever it is those goofey brits say
beingflexible mentally, and physically is a freaking GIFT i tell you. for instance my sister can sleep with her dogs IN BED. this would drive me absolutley insane!

Thanks everyone. I know what you mean millie, ever since I've gone on this site I start taking for granted that people will understand (because the aspies on here understand), and I get more frustrated when they don't.

I know in part that my problem is I am too nice and not firm enough with people. At the same time, it's taken me so long in life to make many solid friendships that I am too scared to step a toe out of line in case I lose them.

Also, I know that my friends mean well, and I care about them a lot, and don't want to hurt their feelings.

^ I would say they do mean well. It is just that they are not going to understand an autistic mind and that is how it is. THey can to some degree. I think the overload and sensory stuff is hard at times. RIght now, I am at seaworld resort with my ex partner and son and i am trying to be a vaguely normal person. Leaving home for twenty four hours is hell. I prefer to stay in the hotel. Yesterday while they were at Seaworld I went to my autism psychologist who was attached to Attwood's MInds and Hearts for years. HE is up the road from here. THen, last night, we go out for dinner and they want to buy ice cream on Cavill Ave. I stay in the shadows by teh side of an empty shop waiting for them and sit down with my ipod on and sunglasses at night because of the neons and the people. It is hell for me, but i tried to be there for my son. The best thing is that my family now knows it is autism and they know I can't help how i am and i am not being a party-pooper. WHat is fun for them is like a trauma trial for me and all it is is normal life away from my special interest.
But they are learning and dropping their expectations of me. Now i am not being grouched on for not coping...and instead they know when i say i cannot deal with any more, it is time to go. we are trying to find some ways of brdiging the gaps between me and them. I want to try - for my son - and i am glad they are trying to grasp how it is for me.

So Sunshower, I do understand.
i also love reading your posts and i like your positivity.

I sometimes have this problem with NT friends as well. I enjoy cuddling and affection generally, but I can't fall asleep next to someone if I don't know them very well; I don't seem to have quite the same kind of problem with physical contact that you do, but I have had trouble explaining to NT friends who feel hurt/rejected that it has nothing to do with the way I feel about them.

I know how you mean. I can't usually fall asleep unless lying flat on my back, unless I go into a low blood sugar slump. My brain is just set that way. And sleeping with someone wrapped around me would be way too stimulating.

sunshower,

I don't know about other countries, etc... but I can say that in the U.S. and many other cultures, females can sleep with:

1. BOTH parents or their mother.
2. Other females.
3. Their husband.
4. Their child.
5. MAYBE their boyfriend.


When I say boyfriend, I mean a STEADY one.

If you stray from that, it looks bad, and can affect various things. A casual friend or EVEN your male boss, shouldn't even ASK you to break that little rule.

BTW that isn't sexist. With adult males, the list is:

1. MAYBE both parents, if they are YOUNG!
2. Their wife.
3. Their child if sleeping with the mother.
4. MAYBE their girlfriend.

BTW Sunshower,

I forgot to say. Consider it a COMPLIMENT! Yeah, I can relate. But the whole idea DOES sound stupid, from an objective/realistic viewpoint. Of course, *I* am affected, so I know it is REAL.