Difficulty Living at Home

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Hello everyone,
I hope I'm posting this in the correct section although I'm happy for it to be moved if not.

I apologize if I'm not clear in what I'm looking for; I am mostly just looking for help/advice based on related experiences.

I completed college a semester early when I was 22 (right at Christmas 2018). Since then I have moved back in with my parents and have been living here. I had worked as soon as I got home from school, in an assortment of 3 different jobs, up until last month when I voluntarily left my job at the time because it was, among many stressors, literally making me suicidal so I stand by that decision despite it being a bad time to leave work.

That brings me to now, where things have been becoming increasingly difficult when it comes to living with my family. I have both parents living at home, plus my younger brother who just finished college last month (all NT, if it means anything for context). I knew long before I was ever diagnosed that I thrive off of having alone time and was used to having alone time at least once a week for a period of time over the past several years. For me, alone time means no one is home, so I feel much more comfortable roaming the house, stimming (hand-flapping mostly), listening to music, singing, cooking, what have you, since I feel uncomfortable doing those things when others are around. For the past couple of months, I have had maybe one day? Two? I think two days where I was alone for a little bit.

I think the situation is beginning to eat away at me more and more. I am increasingly irritable, feel lethargic, frustrated at not finding jobs (hiring freezes everywhere right now) etc. I am not trying to blame my family for my own bad moods, but it's become difficult because I don't like being irritable. For example, the past few days, my parents have been asking me questions that I don't know the answers to (i.e. 'did your mom go to the store?' 'Is your brother in the shower?' 'What are your roommates from college specifically doing with their careers right now?') and for one reason or another it's been making me get irritable. I think they are always like this, but it's been wearing on my nerves more.

It doesn't help that my dad has been doing a lot of home improvement stuff at home the past few weeks and there's a lot of loud noise (my worst sensory issue) right down the hall from me. He used to be kind of sensitive about it when he started (i.e. he'd tell me he was going to be using loud tools so he would shut to the door and I should too), but recently he hasn't bothered. He got angry at me earlier for getting irritable with him for asking me a question (like the above examples) and to put it briefly I don't have a good history with my dad being angry with me, it used to be really bad when I was young and I've tried to keep it from happening as much as possible now.

I could go on about this for ages, and I'm sorry for putting all my problems out in this rant. I think the bottom line is I want very badly to live alone, particularly because my home situation is not ideal. I've wanted to for a long time, but that goal seems more and more distant the longer it takes me to find a job, and one that will pay enough for independent living. I am more than capable of being frugal, and I don't need much to be happy, so that isn't an issue. Sorry if this seems directionless, again, just if anyone has had similar experiences and managed to cope with it/find something better, your help and advice is appreciated.

I couldn't wait to move out and live on my own after studies. Totally understand where you're coming from. In my case, it was in Australia, and I'd basically taken the place of my mother over many years, as cook, cleaner, etc(due to death). I really had to gently but firmly fight my corner for the right to further education(had to work to pay my way through any studies beyond the age of 15). Being born female, with a very old fashioned autistic Dad, life was not easy. I moved out at 18 into my own place, saving madly beforehand and buying things in preparation for the move. In your case, I hope the incentive of finding a job that allows you the freedom to move into your own place, is enough to strive for.

Cannot tell you how good it felt to be in my own apartment. It was heaven, plain and simple! Once you've found a place, even if you lose or leave a job, you should surely be entitled to unemplyment benefits, and if you have a diagnosis, you may be entitled to a disability benefit, if your mental health etc impacts on your ability to work. Eventually, we all leave the nest and have to cope on our own, and for some, this means group homes, moving in with extended family etc etc.

Meanwhile, try to remind yourself that you have a roof over your head, no matter how stressful(get yourself out on daily walks, pop under headphones to destress maybe, listening to music, exercise.) Remember there is an increase in homelessness due to current circumstances, and try to ride the current wave, but with the thought that this is temporary. You have the potential to reach this goal of having your own place. Don't lose sight of that. xx

Juliette, thank you so much for your thoughtful response! I'm glad to know you were able to find happiness the way you did, and it sounds very much like my ideal - my mom tells me about how she had her own home and would come home from work to watch Star Trek TNG and exercise, have dinner, etc. and it sounds like a dream, even if so simple. I agree that given the circumstances of the time, it may be a situation of 'riding the wave' so to speak, and knowing that I can find some hopeful opportunities on the other side of it.

Thank you again!

Good luck in moving. I not only moved away from home but I moved far far away as well.

OP and I are in very similar circumstances. I’m also in my early 20s, living at home after graduating from college, wishing for more alone time. The main difference is that I have a job and am working from home (though I don’t make enough to affird rent in a reasonable place in my city unless I get a bunch if roommates, which I feel would be substantially worse than my relatively quiet family), and the annoying construction noise I have to deal with is courtesy of my next-door neighbor. Though I honestly don’t know if I’m ready to permanently move out yet, I’m gradually building up the skills necessary to do so, My goal is for that to happen before I turn 30.

What Juliette said about being thankful about having a roof over your head in this crazy time is very on point. I know I’m thankful for being employed, not at risk of being evicted when the rent freeze is lifted, and not being food insecure.

Thank you both for your replies! I appreciate the well-wishes.

Zakatar, I can only say I'm sorry for the shared experiences, I know from personal experience it's very difficult. I agree that it's important to be thankful for what I do have, for sure, and I'm sorry if I came across as whiny since I know there are many other situations that can be worse. Still, I'm going to keep hoping that I can achieve that dream (also, quick aside, I agree with Zakatar that it would not be worth the compromise to take on roommates, I had 2 really awesome roommates in college who were very quiet and respectful, and we got along, and even then I knew I would prefer living alone and looked forward to times when they were both out).

Thanks again~

^
I very much appreciate your matter-of-fact answer and the well-wishes; you are definitely right, and I think it's important for me to hear that regardless of the difficulty of my current situation, nothing will change if I don't do anything to facilitate the change. Regardless, I appreciate the space to vent. I think some of my (self-focused) frustration is from the fact that I had been doing very well at saving a lot of my salary of my previous job because of my living situation (I pay my parents a small sum of rent but otherwise I saved 50% of each paycheck). It feels like starting from 0 at current (besides savings), but the important thing is I have to start!

Thank you again

For the time being, do you think it'd be possible for you to negotiate with your family that they'd all leave the house entirely for a few hours from time to time? Explain that you'd really need the alonetime. Offer to do something in return, like handling some household task that no one likes before or after it. Agree on it beforehand so that you'll know when they'll leave and when they'll be back the earliest.

^ I'm going to suggest the inverse of the above, since you have more control over that than other people leaving. Are you able to comfortably leave the house at all, in the sense that there's places you can go outside that don't contribute to your stress? Maybe when everyone's being loud and bothering you, you can go take a walk for a bit. If you have earbuds/headphones you can still listen to music, plus drown out any outside noise, and if there's a more secluded area near your house you could still do some of the things you're comfortable doing alone.

Also, have you tried to explain to your family that you don't know how to answer the questions they're asking, and that it frustrates you? Maybe they could word them differently, instead of outright asking information from you that you might not have. For an example, instead of "Did your mom go to the store?" which would probably answered with "I don't know," they could ask "Do you know if your mom went to the store?" which can easily be answered with just a "Yes" or "No". It's a slight change, but that way they are still getting information out of you and it's easier for you to answer them.

Thank you both for your suggestions! I think they're both helpful in different ways. I have tried to convey to my family my need for alone time but it's hard to convey without sounding like 'I don't want you around,' which is not necessarily how I feel truly, at least not in a mean way. Hero, I do think I need to be more comfortable finding ways to get out and away. I do have an issue with being in public, it's hard to explain, but even taking walks alone can make me feel uncomfortable, but I can try to work on it. With so many things being closed it's definitely hard to go places to be productive (I used to love going to the library but I have no idea when they will be open again).

Also, I know that the issue with the questions is something that I will just have to get used to; I appreciate the suggested change very much, and it may be something I discuss eventually, but ultimately it was just a minor issue that I used to give an example of how small things at home are beginning to make me more irritable than I should be (i.e. the problem is me and I need to work on it).

I'll just have to keep working towards my goals but I appreciate everyone hearing me out and offering your help.

I have insomnia so I don't do this intentionally to have alone time, but I find that when I am up most of the night, when everyone else in the house is asleep, it does give me a lot of alone, quiet time. I stay in my room with the door closed and read, paint, or listen to music or watch videos with headphones. I also keep snacks handy so I don't have to go to the kitchen, which would wake people up. Maybe this could work for you?

Can you get your "alone time" elsewhere, perhaps in nature?
I heard of one family adding a tiny house in the back yard for one member, and it made a huge improvement in getting along.

I don't really have the option of living alone at this point but I have plenty of space to where my parents aren't up under me. The only issue I run into from time to time is them telling me how things are supposed to be done or how things are supposed to be cleaned. At one point my dad literally rearranged my entire kitchen because he felt that me keeping the water bottles out to fill back up was untidy and cluttered. Now I just have to fill them up more often and put the empty ones away until then.