Do I have it?

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Do I have it?

Here the salient details:

1. I get distracted very easily, and am sensitive to noise
2. I get worn out with social interactions. I am constantly worried that people will realize I am different. I have a hard time understanding body language, and have an even harder time acting normal. This makes me very self-conscious, since I always feel that I am trying to "act" normal. Instead of smiling, I think "smile".
3. I rehearse conversations over and over so that I make sure to say what I need. I also rehearse behavior so that it appears normal.
4. I have a hard time thinking on my feet, and feel slow.
5. I space out quite a bit. The thing I remember most about early grade school was being told to "pay attention", and then drifting off into a trance, only to be snapped out of it again.
6. I am extremely uncoordinated. I have an unusual gait, and was often made fun of for how I ran, and my lack of coordination.
7. I talk different, it used to be a more pronounced "accent", but now I can sound fairly normal.
8. I look down and away quite a bit. Looking at people's faces is quite intimidating, because as soon as I try to communicate with my face, I'm afraid people will sense that I'm different or just think I'm phony.
9. I used to rock myself to sleep when I was a kid, until I was about 7. This would last for about an hour. It never occured to me that it was unusual until much later in my life.
10. Despite having a BA in music, I have a hard time with rhythm and playing in time with others (I'm a much better solo artist).
11. I get overwhelmed when co-workers are near me.
12. I have had constant trouble interacting with co-workers, reading them properly, and knowing how to act. This has been the topic of a couple of reviews.
13. I get lost in intense, marathon bouts of concentration, that allow me to get quite a bit done, but leave me exhausted.
14. We've had trouble with allocating enough space at work, so we are crowded in. I have been so stressed out due to this, that I have resorted to drinking and medication to deal with the added anxiety.
15. I have always loved animals, and interacted with them well.
16. Due to behaviorial problems, I was brought to an "institute" for evaluation when I was 8. They suggested autism, but back then, the only choice was special ed, and a label that would follow me for life. I have no idea if they were seriously considering this as a diagnosis, but asperger's seems to fit.
17. I scored 40 on Cohen's AQ test on wired.
18. My hand writing sucks, to the point where I can barely write some days. I've always written slower than others, despite tons of homework when I was younger, and plenty of practice. Being left-handed doesn't help.

I'm looking into this because the stress at work is unbearable, and I think I need to ask for special consideration with respect to my work environment. I've been able to mask and cope up until now, but I am 35 now, and acting normal and compensating is pushing me to an early grave. I have health problems from the stress, and spend quite a bit of time at home just spacing out because I'm so overwhelmed from having people around during the day. I live in Saint Louis, MO. Can anyone give me advice on how to get a diagnosis or evaluated.

I don't live in your area, so can't really be much practical help - but what you described seems to fit AS down to a tee. The coordination, trance states, and body language problems are particularly telling. I'm a music person too, but I also struggle with rhythm and to work in group situations, it sucks hey - because you have so much more creative scope to make music if you have several instruments as opposed to one. I find it very frusturating as I love to compose, but am limited to voice and very basic piano (the only things I can do).

Anyway, go to your local GP and ask for a referral to a psychologist/psychiatrist/AS specialist - whatever they recommend. An AS specialist would be ideal.

It's important to get a diagnosis and get adjustments at work so that you can improve your quality of life. There's nothing shameful or disabling about asking for something as simple as a bit of extra space, or help with organization, etc, which is the sort of stuff I use my diagnosis for. It's simple basic stuff that really shouldn't be a hassle for your employer. And if people understand it can prevent a lot of confusion, and can make both your life and other peoples life (they might get the wrong impression from you, or find you confusing and frusturating - I think explaining to my closer friends about my AS makes them feel better about me as a friend, they feel more secure that I'm not snubbing them when I go off and isolate myself, and that sort of thing) easier.

Sunshower said it much better than I did (and posted almost at the same time).

Thank you for replying. I'm new here, and am trying to fix my life. I got another bad review a couple of weeks ago, and am trying to improve my performance at work, but have had severe problems the past year.

I'm a computer programmer by trade (I have a BS in computer science and a BA in music, and a minor in biology), and when I started at age 25, it seemed like the ideal fit for my personality. The first place had a nice quiet work environment that seemed to cater to my personality. But, my current job has only gotten worse. Basically, they moved us into a much more crowded workspace, and adopted a programming methodology known as Extreme Programming (with a heavy emphasis on pair programming). It's a sick joke. I couldn't think of a more screwed up system to foist onto someone with an austism spectrum disorder than this practice. Basically, it takes computer programmers, and encourages them to work together in a group sitting at a computer. So, I have people constantly bustling in and out of the room. For some reason, the jerks next to me decide to work in a group of 3 or 4 programmers, with one of them constantly bumping into my chair. It's a really screwed up situation and just about everyone agrees it's a bit much. But, I seem to handle it worse than everyone else. And, I'm a senior programmer, which means that I am expected to have high output. But, I've been unable to perform. I'm in the situation of feeling like I need to ask for special treatment from my employer, in a down economy, after getting cited for bad performance in my last review, with a boss that I don't get along with. Also, extreme programming is supposed to be "agile", which means that it's designed to adapt to change. So, we have the daily emergencies, made worse by the fact that my manage doesn't have a spine or know how to say no.

To me, the whole practice of extreme programming feels like a witch hunt. Basically, they recommend in the books that if people can't adapt and work in groups, that you should get rid of them. So, basically, a huge percentage of programmers, who have aspergers, are having to deal with this. I'm surprised it hasn't come up more often as an issue. But, maybe it's just me.

Composer777, you sound very much like me. I have a BM in music and a BA in computer science and have been working in the IT industry for the past 10 years. However, I have never had to work XP-style. It sounds like it is a very challenging environment.

Let me guess: you work best when you can go off on your own when no / few people come and talk to you to see how you're doing. Is there a way you can negotiate this within the company, possibly by seeking a different position? You could just be vague and suggest that this type of work isn't really the best environment for you to work in, and it's possible the employer will understand. It may not be an option, but it's worth a try.

Careful what you wish for with a diagnosis. I've heard it can be both a blessing and a curse. Most people really don't understand AS at all, and you will on some level be labeled by your peers (even if they mean well).

If all of your stress is job related, I hate to say it but you're probably better off finding a different job. I know the market is a bit rough right now, but keep your eyes open. There are always opportunities out there; it just takes some time. A job change can make all the difference; I know firsthand.

And welcome to WP!

fiddlerpianist. Wow, we do have quite a bit in common. Well, I made an appointment for Thursday. It was the earliest I could get in to see someone. I had a VERY hard time finding people who treats adult autism/aspergers. It seems like they are all geared towards children with behavorial problems. I guess after people get to a certain age we're "cured". I talked to my psychiatrist yesterday, and she seemed overwhelmed by the question.

Anyway, I think the diagnosis would be a blessing. My reputation already precedes me in the communication department. I've had a couple of blowups with my boss's boss over the years. People already know I'm a bit off, on medication, etc. Being stressed has made it quite a bit worse, as my abnormal tendencies come out even more. That's part of what go me noticing how far off I am. Pretending I'm normal is a lost cause. What I need are concessions and understanding. I think with that, my behavior will improve, and my productivity will go up.

The fortunate thing is that I'm at a medical university research department. Universities have quite a bit more tolerance for eccentricities than the corporate world. By law they have to pay attention to things like disabilities and conditions. Cut-throat corporate culture tends not to be as understanding. The important thing at this point, is having a clear understanding of what I need, so that I can ask for it once, rather than ask for the wrong thing, fail, and have people come off with the perception that I'm making excuses. If all else fails, I can put on my mask, pretend to be normal, and go out into the corporate world. But, that would be less than ideal. It takes me a while to open up to people, and I've made a lot of friends here. I think it would be best if I learn to work with this issue than simply switch jobs.