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Pollux
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08 Feb 2008, 11:40 pm

I need HELP. I've suddenly developed a boyfriend (I'm 31 and never in my life had any interest in dating or anything to do with dating) and all these new things are happening and it's weird, but I like most of it a lot. I've never had squishy feelings for anyone, or really cared one way or the other if any particular person was there or not, but now I want AJ to be around all the time and when he's not with me, I want him to be there. I've never missed anyone, really. But I miss AJ. And I never in my life wanted to hug anyone or anything, and now I want to squish AJ all the time. It feels weird and everything, but I like it. But then recently, and it was really sudden how it happened, I discovered jealousy. I always thought that I knew what jealousy was because I would say things like "Oh, I want that book" or something, but it turns out that isn't jealousy, it's something else.
Anyway, AJ has never really dated either, but not for the same reasons as me. But he did have two girls that he was really close to at certain points, and he really, really wanted to be dating them. It never happened, though. So here's the weird part - I get horrible feelings any time he mentions them, refers to them, finds something that they shared together, or anything. AWFUL feelings that I DO NOT LIKE! This, I have been told, is jealousy. I hate it. It's seriously bad. There's no logical reason for me to feel jealous at all, but it makes me want to cry, I get so jealous. And then I spazz out and often have meltdowns as a result.
So how do you make jealousy go away? Why did it take 31 years for me to experience and why am I not immune to it since I went so long without it? What do I do?
It's all really insanely irrational and I am not usually irrational. For example, the last time I had a near meltdown was when he showed me a video of him and this girl arm wrestling. Then the reason I'm posting this is because I was looking at another forum (they both post on it) and this one guy posted really cool origami, and AJ said I shouldn't look at his origami forum. Then, of course, I had to know why I couldn't look and it turned out it was because AJ had two origami things made for this other woman. This all happened well over a year ago, and they haven't even spoken in 6 months. He's not interested in her anymore. And here I am, freaking. WHAT IS THIS?! How do you make it stop? I do not like these human feelings.



pakled
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08 Feb 2008, 11:55 pm

Jealousy stems from lack of confidence, or lack of security in a relationship. If you're just getting started, the green-eyed monster can be a bit hard to take.

If it's as good a relationship as it seems, then you should be able to discuss your feelings towards each other. If he's worried about a guy on another site, it sounds like a two-way street.

A little jealousy is just the flip side of caring. It can get out of control, so you want to make sure it's not going to cause damage to your relationship. If you have a man you can trust (ladies, please! let me finish!...;), then it should eventually go away, or at least become manageable.



oscuria
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08 Feb 2008, 11:57 pm

How in the world did you develop a bf? Can you design me a gf as well? :D

Anyways:

I can understand what you're trying to say because with my ex's, I would tell them "Don't mention anything you've done with your previous bf's, don't bring anything up no matter what because a) I frankly do not care b) it would make me feel weird and c) I'd probably be disgusted.

I've never really thought of it as jealousy, but many do. So yea, I can understand what youre going through.

How to make it stop? Well, as I said: Tell him not to mention them anymore and all will be peachy. Tell him how it makes you feel. Try to invent new memories for the two of you.



Pollux
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09 Feb 2008, 12:07 am

You both make good points. I think I left out a point that is extra stupid - part of the jealousy comes from the fact that I don't like that AJ existed without me before I met him. Only time travel fixes that. It's not logical, like I said, and I hate things that aren't logical. And it's even more dumb because I practically force him to tell me things that I then have spazzy reactions to. Oy. I was hoping there was just something that someone knew of that would *poof* make it stop. But you can't negate someone's existence before they met you, and even if we did have the scientific knowledge to do that, it'd be really inconsiderate.

Oy.

Thank you.



oscuria
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09 Feb 2008, 12:11 am

Pollux wrote:
You both make good points. I think I left out a point that is extra stupid - part of the jealousy comes from the fact that I don't like that AJ existed without me before I met him. Only time travel fixes that. It's not logical, like I said, and I hate things that aren't logical. And it's even more dumb because I practically force him to tell me things that I then have spazzy reactions to. Oy. I was hoping there was just something that someone knew of that would *poof* make it stop. But you can't negate someone's existence before they met you, and even if we did have the scientific knowledge to do that, it'd be really inconsiderate.

Oy.

Thank you.


What I would do is just go out to places where there is little talking about past life: Movies, museums, bookstores, theater, theme parks, etc.



lovebat
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09 Feb 2008, 3:09 am

Yeah, I'd get him the "Eternal Sunshine" treatment. :D



RampionRampage
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09 Feb 2008, 7:08 am

Pollux wrote:
part of the jealousy comes from the fact that I don't like that AJ existed without me before I met him.


could that be related to the idea that AS people can have trouble with empathy?
i have a -real- hard time remembering/keeping in mind that mark had a life before me.
that said, jealousy has never been an issue for me in a relationship, so i'm not sure what i can say to help. mostly was just wondering about that interesting statement (and it doesn't make you stupid - as i understand it, this is normal, if frustrating, for nt people as well).


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JWRed
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09 Feb 2008, 12:17 pm

Pollux wrote:
It's all really insanely irrational and I am not usually irrational.


People with AS have difficulty controlling their emotions. Try and be relaxed. Bring yourself down to reality. It is easier to control your emotions this way.



richardbenson
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09 Feb 2008, 12:17 pm

im extremely jelouse sometimes but not over the typical things people get jelouse about :)


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