Corrupt A Wish

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Granted, now you have 6 different pairs of birds nesting in your attic crawl space, ripping up the insulation to build nests from, and pecking holes through the roof shingles. But they're really good at eating spiders!

I wish to get the position I interviewed for this morning.

Granted, all your posts are routed straight to the inferno (hell)

I wish to settle my mind and get some sleep tonight.

Granted. But in your sleep you leave your body and arrive in my secret out of body experiment lab located in the Nevada desert.

I wish I was more like other peoples.

Granted. Now instead of an obsession with something that interests you, you're obsessed with social ritual. Have fun with that.

I wish that my variance while playing poker would decrease to about 10% of what it currently is.

Granted, but your rival hires a hit man to take you out because of jealousy.

I wish jellybeans jiggled.

Granted, but one day you try to buy a submarine and the pocket in your pants explode.

I wish Elvis were dead.

Granted. He's now a zombie and he's infesting us all. I hope you're happy.

I wish I could send my thanks to the cow that provided my meat.

Granted.
He's also the cow that provided manure for your yard and he gets so happy over your thanks that daisies pop up all over your lawn.

I wish I could go back to high school, knowing what I know now.

Granted. Unfortunately, it doesn't help you much, since what you know now is not applicable in all high school situations, and so you're put in those situations now.

I wish that there was a channel that played only the shows I liked (and episodes of those shows... damn you, Scrubs), 24/7.

Granted. Except now your in front of the television 24/7. Eating all the cookies.

I wish my sh*7 really didn't stink.

Granted, but now the smell is spread through your body and leaks through your pores.

I wish that multivitamins actually had 50% RDA of all the vitamins and minerals that you need on a daily basis.

Granted, but then big brother knows were on to them and decides to just starve us all to death openly.

I wish drugs grew on plants.

But... they do.

Now everyone's high and everything goes to hell.

I wish I could have all the milk I ever want.

Granted, your hormone system will somehow get so out of whack that you develop breasts and start lactating.

I wish I could be less irritable with the irritating people I'm surrounded by.