Register your complaint here .. and resolve the last one

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I will start.

My complaint is:

My car blew up yesterday. It's the worst day of my life. I thought I could carry the shopping all the way home and just get exercised at the same time, but my calculation was incorrect for a shopping load of 4L of milk, 4L of OJ and various other items. I got stuck halfway on the road.
I had just nicknamed my car 'serenity' before it blew up and I don't think cars should be so troublesome.

I'll go second -

Your complaint has been resolved:

On the way home, while stuck at the side of the road, you thought 'there could be a register your complaint thread on WP'.


****

The cat won't stop jumping on the kitchen bench every time i make a ham sandwich.
"Can I haz cheezburger??"

Never feed it on the kitchen table or from your sandwich again., even if it jumps up and starts making a fuss; just push it off.

If it doesn't jump up at all, reward it with a piece of ham in its own food bowl. Make sure it knows that it's you that sets the terms of when it gets food, not the cat.

Don't change your mind occasionally or for a 'special' treat, as it will just confuse the animal and make it think that if it pesters enough, it will get your sandwich eventually.

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I can't get up when the alarm rings. I keep hitting snooze until I'm nearly always slightly late for class. Any advice?

Put the alarm clock just out of reach so you have to get out of bed to turn it off.

I wish to complain about the snow and cold. Can Winter be abolished please?

Yes, as can cats. We can wear the cats as hats and furs and eat ham freely to keep warm just in case the new temperature drops below 20 celcius.

**

I complain bitterly that delicious ice cream makes me feel slightly ill before I am actually finished eating it. What to do?

watch carefully to find how much icecream is left in your bowl when you just start to feel a little queezy and then stop. Next time, put that much , plus a spoonful or two, less into your bowl to start with.

I start to 'run out of gas' about 4:30 PM and my shift isn't over until 5:45 PM, but I have to be just as productive as earlier in the day. I have a 15 minute break at 3:15 and I take a walk outside in the fresh air and have a granola bar or an apple and a cup of Earl Grey tea. Any advice?

Instead of a walk, have a nap, then have a coffee and a banana instead of the tea and granola.

I am probably the most perfect person that has ever lived.
How do I become made the Emperor of Earth?

Simple. We start an uprising, then have all of our kind collaborate with us, and win the war. Then I seat you emperor, and I stand as heir apparent. Then I start a coup d'état against your "empire," and dethrone you, and I am emperor in an instant. Resolved!

How do I earn a lot of money yet stay at home, being a bum?

An easy one!
Kill all your relatives and invest the inheritance!


There's a freaking rock festival going on tonight!
How am I going to get to sleep?

Easy.... Go next door and destroy their speakers and then run around the room nine million times and shouting superboyian is the best
Ahh that should solve the problem.

Now, why is the big PC at my house playing up, its starting to do my head in and for some reason it spits at me! What should I do?

When it behaves antisocially exclude it from the room and refuse to let it back in again until it promises to behave. If it spits at you again disconnect its mouse for a week as punishment.

I wish to complain about the Winter Olympics on the TV which I find very boring.

Oh yea, that is going to end very very very soon now... I guess it would take months and months for it to finish.

Now I got a complaint.... Why does my neighbour carry on playing his music SO loud?

He plays it because:
a) He enjoys his music loud or
b) He uses it to mark his territory and affirm his ego or
c) He is a complete tosser.

Depending on the relevant reason either:
a) Politely ask him to turn it down a little as it is disturbing you.
b) Shoot him in the head with a revolver at closer range.
c) Break into his home and steal his stereo unit.

I want to complain about all the incompetent bureaucrats here in France.

Move to... er, that's a tough one!
I was going to say Germany, but instead,
I think a deserted island would suit an aspy better!

.......................................................................................
(That was fun! I must remember to do that more often! )

..............................................................................................whee!


I love staying up late playing on WP
but I have to get up at 6am and go to work,
which I almost never do because I sleep in til 8am,
and then I get in trouble with the boss (mum).

Make your mum a special unbirthay cake, at the en' of every week. Mums love that kin stuff. Especially if its pretty. Even it if tastes awful!!

****

I feel like flushing my laptop n th etoilet - for some reason some keys won't work. Namely, the fourth letter in the alphabet, the one after 'c'. I have gotten Ubuntu though I haven't installe it yet, that's the only thing changin' - perhaps it's overstressing the machine's meagre memory (of only 768MB )

Ideas for fixing your laptop

1) Remove the useless programs (Yes say goodbye to that minesweeper )
2) Put all your files in the recycle bin.
3) Delete your User Account

If your Laptop has a Warrant on it.

1) Flush it down the the toilet and say to the company, it randomly broke on me.

If it doesn't.

1) Sell it on Ebay with a starting price of $300 (or £300) or more.

Now I like to complain why I didn't have a sushi buffet, while the other people did!