PRIZE MACHINE

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You win an extremely unreliable Fiat.

*Inserts last quarter*

bells ring, lights flash, coins & lightbulbs & candles & snowflakes & fried eggs and all the other flotsam & jetsam that's been inserted in this poor overworked machine all come pouring out.

YOU WIN THE JACKPOT!!

*inserts a quarter*

You win a potato.

*inserts quarter*

You win a cabbage patch doll.

*inserts a quarter*

You win a 500ml sprayer of caterpillar repellent.

*inserts quarter*

You receive a leaky spray bottle of cougar piss (deer repellent, you know)

*inserts a plastic bag*

You receive an angry bag lady.

*Inserts a Spanish Doubloon*

You receive a castanet.

*inserts a maraca*

You receive an electronic stud-detector.

Beep, beep, beep, beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeeee...

Hey, stop pointing that thing at me!

*Inserts macaroni*

A voice inside the machine says "Say Cheese!" and there is a flash of light.

*inserts TallyMan*

You may have hoped to receive an intimate knowledge of the inner workings of the prize machine, and thereby an unfair advantage over the rest of us, but you don't. It's awful dark in there, ya know? So all you receive is a trip to the chiropractor to recover from the contortions it took to insert yourself in there.

*inserts a quarter*

You receive a foot massage.

*inserts left foot into machine*

You receive a pedicure, with nail polish to match that lovely pink wig!

*inserts an emery board*

The machine gives you an abrasive response.

*inserts a gold sovereign*

You receive some sponges to apply gold make up to your HM The Queen doll.

*inserts quartermaster*

You receive an all-day rail pass.

*inserts a quarter*