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How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. "The light bulb has to change itself".

(Of course not all therapists have this sort of attitude, but I think it's a funny joke.)

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: April 27, 2009

I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!! !!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!! !

paddy and his wife are lying in bed listening to his neighbours dog barking.
it had been barking for hours when suddenly paddy jumps out of bed muttering to himself and runs downstairs.

about 20 minutes later paddy returns, and his wife says "paddy... the bloody dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
paddy replies "i put the dog in our yard, now lets see how THEY like it!"

b9, can't wait to tell that one at work tomorrow.

A man crashes into the back of a dwarf's car and causes quite some damage. The dwarf jumps out of his car and marches up to man saying "I'm not happy!"...Man says "So which one are you then?"

ROFL! I GOT THAT!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.

After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

To all those women who watch the football and shout "pass it to Frank" or "bring Joe Cole on"; f*** off. You didn't see me at Sex And The City 2 shouting "f*** her up the arse".

Might offend some people this one. If you don't like offensive jokes don't read them.



















Why are there so many trees in South Africa?

Public transport.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?


He just couldn’t “budge-it”.

what is the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
the prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

clever

i had a person here today for a small while who made up a joke, and i told him i made up some jokes that i posted here the other night, but i am not sure they were understood.

i showed him the jokes, and he did not see anything funny about them.
he is a humerous person according to other people, but i fail to see his humor as well.

he winced as i told him i offered no explanation to this site as to what the jokes meant.
he suggested that i at least offer an explanation as to what they mean, but i think if they are not self evident, then they failed, and that is that.

but i will explain a couple of the jokes anyway.

i posted:
q: why did the mormon hop down the road on one leg?
a: because he tried to to stop a revolving door with his foot.

mormons are nenowned for sticking their foot in your door as you try to close it on them when they visit. i imagined that mormons are so used to using their foot to stop doors closing, that a mormon who was harassing a person who was walking through a revoving door instinctively tried to stop it with his foot.
revolving doors have a powerful motor. yeah it is not funny i know now.


q: why was there 2 tonnes of cabbage strewn on the highway?
a: because the cyclist who was hanging onto the back door of the truck could not hold on when the truck suddenly sped off.

well the meaning of that joke was that the truck was carrying cabbage, and the cyclist was holding onto the door handle on the back of the truck. as the truck sped off, the cyclists hand that was trying to grip the handle, pulled on the handle which opened the back door of the truck, and therefore the cabbage all spilled out due to acceleration.

q: why did the idiot post garbage?
a: because he forgot to put his bin out the night before.

if you forget to put your bin out, then you have no room for any more garbage, so you wrap it up and post it into mailboxes so that the postmaster will deal with it.

i think i will stick with jokes that i have been told by proper joke composers.

q: what is black and crisp and hangs from the ceiling?
a: an irish electrician

q:how do you light up a blonde's eyes?
a:shine a torch in her ear.

the japanese have invented a camera that is so fast, it can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

a man comes home from the pub late and very drunk. his wife says "OK smartass, explain the lipstick on your shirt!"
"easy", he says, "i wiped my balls with it!"

i understood the ones about suicide and crack, they elicited a viscerally mirthful response in me. if you made those ones up, you have better comic invention than i, somebody who has never made up a joke in his life.



one moment in my life i am ashamed of, is when the mormons came by on their 10 speed bicycles [this was decades ago] and knocked on my door, and i hid behind the door and peeked out at 'em through the curtains until they went away. but at least i didn't waste their time.



do keep composing your own jokes. the world always needs new humor and not merely recycled humor.

What do you call an Aspie at a party? Lost.

Did you hear about the new social network? It's called Phonebook.

You have to feel sorry for Robert Green. He went into the changing room after the game, put his head in his hands... Then dropped it.