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To all the poor England fans who have bought an England flag for the world cup, just tipex out the red cross then you can sell it to the French.




Carlsberg don't do World Cup winners.

So they sponsor the England team instead.




My wife was in the bath last night, and told me she was leaving me because i was inconsiderate and wouldnt give her enough 'alone time'

I nearly forgot to wipe my arse.






Rejected merchandise idea for the World Cup

"I scored in South Africa, and all i got was HIV"




A man's poor dog had a sore paw, so the man took him to the vets.

"I'm going to have to put him down", said the vet.
The man exclaimed, "but it's just a sore paw!"
The vet replied, "yes, but your dog's f***ing heavy".






A bloke walks into a pub and orders 10 shots of whiskey and quickly downs them all. The barman asks "What are you celebrating?" "My first blowjob" the man replies. "Congratulations son, for that have a shot on the house" says the barman. "Nahh it's fine, if 10 shots didn't get rid of the taste another won't."

Q-why did the cannibal have an upset stomach?
A#1- it must've been someone he ate.
A#2- what he ate must've had a sour stomach.

I was in the pub, a bit drunk, talking a little too loudly to my friend about how I liked masochism.

A guy came up to me and said "you're disgusting, if you don't shut up right now I'm gonna beat you to the ground."

I replied, "I don't think you quite understand the idea of masochism, do you?"

Once upon a time...

There was a very famous yogi who was known throughout the ancient world. He was famously ascetic, vowing never to wear shoes, which led him to have very tough leathery feet. He also undertook the training to only eat when food was offered to him. Because he would eat infrequently he became very thin and weak. And because he would often have to eat a lot when it came he got very bad breath.

He became known throughout the land as the superfragilecallousfootedmysticwithexcessivehalitosis.

I'm a masochist, I like having a cold shower every night. So I have a hot one.

What Women Really Mean When They Say...

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = ... and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

What Men Really Mean When They Say...

I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice boobies!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it... We'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = Okay, I said it... We'd better have sex now!
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
(While shopping): I like that one better = Pick any bloody dress and let's go home and have sex!

So, VAT is now at 20%. Sure, we'll have to pay more, but maths is about to get a lot easier!

This World Cup is working out like WW2 - France have forfeited, the USA turned up late, and England are left to fight the Germans!

why did the phonograph record side 1 cross the road?
so it could get to the other side.

why do book keepers keep books?
because they're book keepers!

try and say "the sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick." especially after you've had a pint or 3.

i made up one that is hard for me to say, but nothing beats your example.

"check cashers catch cat catchers cashing checks"

also not to be attempted unless one is totally free of lubricating drink, along with this one:

"i'm not a pheasant plucker but a pheasant plucker's son, and i'll be plucking pheasants 'till the pheasant plucking's done."

that is also a classic.

another one i made up which is hard for me is "she stopped stocking shopping in her shocking shopping stocking" (the hosiery variety)

A string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve strings." The string leaves, ties himself up in a big tangle splits his ends and goes back into the bar. The bartender says, "Aren't you that string I just tossed out of here?" The string replies, "I'm a frayed knot!"

Some people complain that I'm patronising. (That means I act like they're stupid)