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A guy goes into a pub, takes out a tiny man and a tiny piano, and puts them on the bar, the tiny man then starts to play the piano perfectly.

The bar man sees this and is amazed! He asks the guy where he got him, he says from a genie, but you only get one wish. He hands the genie's lamp to the bar man and says "here, have a go."

The bar man rubs the lamp and says he wants a million bucks. A few seconds later, loads and loads of ducks start walking into the pub.

The bar man says, "this genie must have a hearing problem, I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!"

"Tell me about it," replies the guy, "do you really think I wished for a 9 inch pianist?"

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has every-thing on it.'


Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 lbs.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'


'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'




'Because you got an F in sex.'

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip &Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog s**t!" Then I would say, "It is dog s**t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?" "I used the governmental approach of giving you something sh***y for free, and then making you pay to get the sh***y taste out of your mouth."

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette"

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

My mate asked me, "did you see the England goal yesterday?"

I said, "no, I was too busy refereeing the match"


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I was having a w*k when I heard someone shout for help. I came as quickly as I could.

i was walking and thinking "it is sad that i have no sex drive".
then i came upon a girl who told me she was also not interested in sex.
it is interesting that we came upon each other at that time of our sad reflections.

i know that is a lame attempt.

A philosopher walks into a funeral,
the guy in the coffin says,
"jesus, if I had known that guy was coming,
I would have called the whole thing off!"

Here's a perfectly correct and meaningful sentence in English (seriously!):

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.

Can be made even longer:

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.

What happens when you fall in love with:

A chef? (You get buttered up.)

A chauffeur? (You get taken for a ride.)

A gambler? (He cheats on you.)

A telephone operator? (He gives you a phone-y line.)

A trashman? (He dumps you.)

A clockmaker? (He two-times you.)

A pastry cook? (He desserts you.)

A shoe salesman? (He walks all over you.)

An elevator operator? (He lets you down.)

An artist? (He gives you the brush.)

A jogger? (He gives you the run-around.)

an interesting list i gotfrom my brother in law. (some of them are quite amusing and some are not)

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?
15. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the post?
16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
17. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
18. Ever wonder about those people who spend two pound a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:
19. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
20. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
21. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?

that reminds me of something andy rooney or steven wright might say.

decades ago, when i was a janitor at a department store, i was cleaning the toilets in the lavatory when i saw that somebody had deposited their bundle of turds on the floor outside the bowl, and when i bent down to clean up the mess, i noticed that somebody had stuck a price tag in it, "29 cents." with inflation nowadays, it would have to be $1.29. gives new meaning to inflation.

Last month my wife and I went to the County agricultural show
and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls..
We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said,
'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said,
'WOW, That's more than twice! a week ! ...You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I finally looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'
Well...
To make a long story short...
My condition has recently been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

What is the favourite song, of a type A personality? Tired of Waiting For You, by The Kinks!

What is the favourite song, of a type B personality? Relax, by The Who!