Corrupt A Wish

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Granted, but everyone whose opinions actually matter to you hate it.

I wish I was a better writer.

Granted. You're a better writer than every pre-schooler in the world.

I wish I was a professional athlete.

Granted. Your handwriting improves significantly, really beautiful, but your ideas don't, as you didn't specify what "better writing" you wanted....


I wish I could be transported to the summit of Mount Everest anytime I wanted to enjoy the view.

Granted! Your method of transport is a whalebone sled pulled by garden snails.

I wish I had a PhD degree.

Granted. It was from a university whose accreditation was revoked so it is not worth the paper it was printed on.

I wish to go back to the one day i was happy.

Granted, but your memories of what comes after that day make the passing of that day all the more painful, perhaps suicidally so.

I wish to remain a virgin for another 100 years.

Granted.

I also wish for WestBender to remain a virgin for an additional 100 years.

Granted. So do you (includes time travel adjustments of past, if necessary).

I wish someone would bring me some breakfast right now

Granted...how's chocolate roaches sound?

I wish I was a military whale eater

Granted. You now eat whales for the military. There's not a lot of call for it, so you quickly get bored with the job and change careers as soon as possible.

I wish I had a little money so that I could go play on ebay.

Granted. You can now make only 1 penny bids in there now.

I wish the planet Mars was inhabitable

Granted. Mars is inhabitable for any species which can breathe Carbon Dioxide. Now you have to go find one.

I wish I was an Olympic medalist revered all around the world.

Granted. Since the last world mentioned was Mars, I can’t but assume this is the one you mean. Now, as there’s nobody on Mars, it’s vacuously true that everybody there revers you as an Olympic medalist.

I wish I could see the eyes of the person I’m right now thinking of from no more than 5 cm away.

Granted. I'll have them fax an image of themselves to your location and you can put it as close to you as you want.

I wish I didn't need any sleep to function properly.

Granted, but now you inadvertently fall asleep for eight hours once per day at a random time.

I wish I could think of what to wish for.

Granted. Now that you've thought of what you want, your wish has expired.

I wish I could understand peoples motives simply by looking them in the eye.