Corrupt A Wish

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Granted, but now everyone's an Aspie that avoids eye contact.

I wish I had a cookie.

Granted, a concrete and ball-bearing chip cookie.

I wish I had true love.

Granted. Go look under your sofa cushion. It's there!

I wish I was bully proof.

Granted. Your legal name is now "Bully Proof".

I wish I had a completely edible cookie.

Granted. You have no milk nor other drink to go with it, making your mouth very dry.

I wish everyone would stop bothering me

Granted. You now have a solar system to yourself. Only problem is there is no food, water, or air.

I wish I had a billion dollars.

Granted. But be careful, I just printed it so the ink is still wet.

I wish I could retain my present body but have the reflexes of a cat.

Granted. You have the reflexes of a cat. You have a lot of trouble standing upright, and instinctively prefer going on all fours. You also have an uncontrollable tendency to throw your hand at anything small moving quickly around you. Despite what you might have expected, your balance isn’t terribly good, because you keep trying to make use of a missing tail. But the real problem is your muscles and sinews aren’t powerful enough to make your relatively massive body jump, climb or run as nimbly as a cat does, so they soon break.

I wish I had a dog’s sense of smell.

Granted, and now you realize just how awful the world actually smells at that sensitivity. What's more, you have an inexplicable urge to sniff poo and people's butts; but you probably saw that coming so that's alright. If you're into that sort of thing.

I wish I could focus!

Granted. Well, you know what kind of things I’m now tempted to make you focus on, don’t you? Yeah, precisely that. And, of course, you can’t resist taking a close look

I wish I could see a new color.

Granted. You can now no longer see colors in the traditional spectrum.

I wish I had a perfectly normal, edible chocolate chip cookie, with a perfectly normal glass of skim cow's milk.

Granted, however while we would be happy to give you a cookie, you seem to have disabled cookies in your browser, so we can't.

We can give you the milk; the glass is perfectly normal as per your request, but as we were running low on milk we could only give you the expired stuff from the back of the refrigerator.

I wish I was napping on the beech somewhere warm.

Granted; you are napping on a beech tree that is on fire.

I wish I had a beech tree that was on fire.

Granted, but you have to share it with an angry leopard who was living there, and who is also on fire.

I wish I had my own space shuttle.

Granted. There is no fuel in it and obtaining new fuel will cost you millions of American dollars..

I wish the government enacted laws that are written in plain English

Granted. Laws are now written in the vernacular English of the 10th century.

I wish that I could speak the vernacular English of the 10th century.