Corrupt A Wish

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Granted. Computer hackers everywhere now begin working 24/7 together in a great hacker alliance in order to develop super viruses that can steal cookies off your computer and send them to the hackers. Living off the cookies of the world, life is pretty great for the community of hackers (because cookies are awesome) but for everyone else, their computers start going haywire due to the effects of the super viruses. The effects are devastating.

Thankfully, the government manages to find every skilled computer hacker in the world that hates the taste of cookies, and all 5 of them set to work combating the super viruses. The computer hackers developing the viruses decide they need to refocus their efforts, but a civil war within the computer hacker community erupts, stemming from an argument over whether they should focus on obtaining chocolate chip cookies or peanut butter cookies. The warring factions begin attacking each others' computers to sabotage their opponents' cookie supply, and in the process also cause untold damage to the computers owned by everyone else in the world. Eventually, computers are rendered unusable, crushed by the weight of the many super viruses and the entire computing industry has to start all over again from scratch.

I wish I had some cookies to eat now. Writing that made me hungry.

Wish granted, but then Wilford Brimley suddenly appears out of nowhere, and gives you diabetus.

I wish I could keep the moon as a pet, and name it Steve.

Granted, but when you try to take Steve home, he crushes your continent of residence and pushes the earth into a collision course with the sun. Steve is then forcibly removed by animal control and sent to obedience school for large objects with their own field of gravity.

I wish Sciuridae had a lifetime supply of cookies that were all filled with Diabeetus.

Granted, except they aren't filled with Diabeetus.

I wish I had people to share my lifetime supply of cookies with.

Granted, but they don't leave any cookies for you. Too bad!

I wish I had a waterbed.

Granted. Your entire bedroom is now a giant aquarium, with your current bed weighted down and sitting in the bottom of it.

I wish tomorrow was any day other than Monday

Granted. You are moved to the east end of Siberia where it is already Monday, so tomorrow will be Tuesday.

I wish low-calorie foods became delicious for me.

Granted. Your taste buds have mutated, so now Ice cream and feces tastes exactly the same, as well as everything else.

I wish my girlfriend weren't so busy anymore D:

Granted. Makayla gets banned off WP, so now she's not spending time on here, and is therefore less busy.

I wish for a brand new, fully functioning, bug and error free computer.

Granted. The keys on the keyboard are made from 100% post-consumer feces.

I wish I had a more practical bicycle.

But that would attract bugs! Corruption fail.

Also, is there any other kind of feces?

Your wish is granted, you receive a bicycle slightly more practical than the clothing of 17th Century French monarchs. You want to return it, do you? "Let him eat cake" I say!

I wish I could see the comet that is headed our way already.

He only said it should be bug-free, he didn't specify that it couldn't attract bugs.

It could be animal dung

Granted. You are now riding the comet that is coming our way.

I wish for an entire Peking Duck to be delivered to my door within the next 24 hours.

Granted, but your duck is undercooked, and you have food poisoning.

I wish I won the lottery.

Granted! You have been selected from the waiting list to receive a liver transplant. You did need a liver transplant, didn't you?

I wish I could learn to stop worrying and love the comet.

Granted. You will spend the rest of your life washing sinks with Comet cleaner.

I wish for for a half-full/half-"empty" glass to have the liquid in the top half and the air on the bottom half

Granted, but the reason you are seeing it that way is because you have been instantly teleported to another solar system with different gravity, and must live the rest of your life upside down.

I wish I had a beautiful hat.