Corrupt A Wish

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Granted. You lose all your desires and instincts, so nothing is wrong to you, not even the oxygen depletion in your lungs, since you feel no need to ventilate them anymore. In a few minutes, you suffocate, but hey, you die feeling very positive!

I wish I actually had a life.

Granted. The Blue-Haired Fairy turns you from a snow man into a real man, with a real life. But unlike Pinocchio, you don't have a nose (or legs, ears or arms), so every time you tell a lie, your arse gets bigger! Seriously, I wouldn't make a habit of it, if I were you.

I wish I were a master at playing the piano.

Granted. Unfortunately, your method of playing the piano is to attempt to play it like a cello, while holding the upended piano in your lap. As this method is extremely impractical and dangerous, no one will hire you.

I wish I had free first class air travel for life.

Granted. Can you guess which term of the equation can be toyed with in order to keep it cheap? Yes, you guessed right: “for life” amounts to just the first trip, where you “accidentally” die

I wish I knew what to do in real life right now.

Granted. In a blinding flash of insight, you get a glimpse of the secrets of the universe. Not only do you know what to do right now but with the rest of your life. Unfortunately, one second later a meteor lands right on top of you.

I wish I could find some good new music.

Granted, but the music is good only to you. No one else likes it.

I wish Pokemon were real.

Granted. Even though they can’t speak anything but their own names, they quickly realize they have no reason to respect us any more than we respect ants. They kill all humans and inherit the Earth.

I wish I could drill a hole through the Earth, all the way to my antipodes.

Granted. You unleash a horde of angry antipodeans that quickly overrun your country. You are dragged in chains to live a life of slavery, in the cruel and oppressive land of Your Antipodes.

I wish that swear words weren't considered offensive, and that everyone could say them without condemnation.

Granted, now swear words are no longer satisfying and edgy, and there are no words you can adequately get that swearing feeling from.

I wish not to be sleepy tomorrow.

Granted. You die of a heart attack in the middle of the night, so you feel nothing tomorrow, including sleepiness

I wish I could experience the world from the perspective of the largest hominid to have ever lived.

Granted. From atop the Empire State Building, the world looks vast yet small. But here come some mechanical birds to keep you company!

I wish I were a better cook.

Granted, but your skills only improve due to Gordon Ramsay following you around everywhere you go. Which is actually kind of cool, except for the fact that he never stops saying things to you such as:



I wish I knew why I was feeling so loopy this morning!

Granted. When you get the reason, you will always feel loopy every morning, but know the reason why.

I wish to discover a new power that will help us all.

Granted, you are now able to undergo nuclear fusion, so that you can provide power to others. Unfortunately, you develop cancer due to this ability.

I wish I could enter the Indy 500, and win.

Granted! You are the 500th spectator to enter through the gate at the Indy 500, and you win a free giant foam finger.

I'm just wishin' I was fishin'. Well, I don't really fish, but you get the idea.

Granted. You are now the captain of the Pequod, and you are fishing for whales.

I wish I could safely fly to Mars and back.