Post a JOKE, any joke

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Q-why did the psychic chicken cross the road?
A- to get to the "other" side.
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A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing.

One of the boys replied, "This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we're having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today."

Of course, the Reverend was shocked. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. "All right," he said, "give him the dog."

...

A Jew, A Catholic, and an Atheist are fishing on Lake Erie when their boat springs a huge leak.

The Jew looks skyward, and says “Oh, Adonai, if you save me, I promise I’ll sail to Israel and spend the rest of my days trying to reclaim the land you gave us.”

The Catholic looks skyward, and says, “Oh, Jesus, if you save me, I promise I’ll fly to the Vatican and spend the rest of my days singing your praises.”

The Atheist looks at the other two and says, “Oh, guys, if you pass me that one life preserver, I promise I’ll swim to Cleveland.”

“And how will you spend the rest of your days?” the Jew and the Catholic ask.

“Well,” says the atheist, “I’m not sure, but I can tell you one thing: I’ll never go fishing with another Atheist!”

How does one handle a crow?

With cawtion.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because Frogger died and needed a replacement.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To prove to the armadillo that it CAN be done!

A guy is flying in a hot air balloon, and he's lost. He lowers himself over a field and calls to a guy, "Can you tell me where I am and where I'm headed?"

"Sure. You're at 41 degrees 2 minutes and 14 seconds North, 144 degrees 4 minute and 19 seconds East; you're at an altitude of 762 meters above sea level, and right now you're hovering, but you were on a vector of 234 degrees at 12 meters per second"

"That's amazing! Thank you! By the way, do you have Asperger's Syndrome?"

"I do! How did you know that?"

"Because everything you said is true, it's much more detail than I need, and you told me in a way that's no use to me at all."

The Aspie thought about this for a moment and replied, "Are you a behavioral psychologist?"

"I am, but how the heck did you know that?"

"First, you don't know where you are. Second, you don't know where you're going. Third, you got where you are by blowing hot air. Fourth, you put a label on me after asking just one questions. Fifth, you're in exactly the same spot you were 5 minutes ago. Finally, you've implied that it is all somehow my fault!"

^^^
that one's a keeper

There once was a hawk - a hawk hawk hawk hawk. He ate the world and looked into your eyes sorrowfully.
"I am the world and I always was, thus I now ate myself"
And you exist in his mind, in his dreams, you are his favorite pupil in the school called life and you love him the more for it.
He's a hawk hawk hawk hawk.
And he flew once to the moon and never returned. We miss him so.
Such are hawks, the beautiful creatures we have all come to envy.

i made this up within 2 seconds of reading the topic title, so i am going off half cocked (which i often do).

Q: why did the power pole cross the road?
A: because it was told to by a tornado.

Band joke!

A mind reader goes to a rock concert. First she reads the guitarist's mind. The guitarist is thinking, "The fans love us! I wonder if there's any people from the record company here. Maybe we'll get a big deal and make tons of money!" Then she reads the drummer's mind. The drummer is thinking, "Check out that hot girl in the third row! I am totally gonna get with her after the show!" Finally, she reads the bassist's mind. The bassist is thinking, "D... D... D... D..."

I'm being charged with murdering my terminally ill wife instead of it being an assisted suicide.

They don't believe a machine-gun was her preferred method of dying.

my older brother told me this one when i was a kid, i understood it not, then and now. maybe one of you good WPers can diagram it for me?

"did ya hear about the martians sliding down a martian mountaintop yelling "RADAR, RADAR!"?

There were two penguins perched on the top of a fencepost near Wichita, Kansas. Suddenly, one penguin stiffens up as if standing at attention, then falls off the post head-first into a pile of cow manure. His companion stares long and hard at him before he looks up into the sky and says, "Radio?"

This joke was told by my psychology professor, who later explained that it was a test to see who would laugh, who would ask for an explanation, and who would just sit there without reacting.

I responded by telling the joke about whose turn it was in the barrel.

to determine personality type? or general intelligence?



so how does that one go?

What do you get when you cross a grape with a lion?

A grape nobody picks on.

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."