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A teen boy was working at a convenience store for a summer job and saw a nun walk in and go to the alcohol section.
The nun brought a large bottle of rum to the check out and the teen looked at her with a confused expression on his face, the nun smiled and said "this is actually for the mother superior, she has bad constipation"
The teen slowly nodded and took the payment for the rum.

At the end of the shift, the teen left the store and locked it up, he saw the nun with the opened bottle of rum, stumbling around and hiccuping, the teen ran to the nun

"I thought that rum was for your mother superior's constipation!" the teen accused

"It is" The nun replied, "she sh**t herself right after she saw me drunk in the street"

Credit for this joke goes to Dave Allen.

There's this policeman standing on the street when he sees a drunk coming around the corner with a penguin tied on a piece of string. So he says
"Oi. What are you doing with that penguin?"
The drunk replies
"Well ... I was walking down the road and he was there. This little penguin, all alone."
The cop says
"Well take him to the zoo."
The next day the cop's on duty and he sees coming around the corner the drunk with a penguin.
"Oi!" He says, "I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!"
The drunk says
"I did and he liked it! So I'm taking him to the library now!"

Q: What do you call 300 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start.

(heard that from a lawyer...)

this one is quite funneh.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

credit to Comedy Central website. i think its a television channel o_O. never heard of it though. perhaps american?

Here's one for the Canadians

A eldery lady went to the doctor because her husband wasn't performing well in the bedroom, the doctor filled a prescription for her, "Just get your husband to take one of these pills once a day and he should do much better.

The woman sighed "My husband isn't going to take these, he hates having to take pills, he doesn't even like to take multi-vitamins"

"well" The doctor said "tell you what, these pills are quite chalky, try crushing it up and put the powder in his morning coffee when he's not looking, and come back in a week to see how things are going"

"That just might work!" the woman agreed, she took the prescription and made an appointment.

A week passed and the woman came back to the doctor. The doctor asked how did everything go,

"Aweful! Just terrible" The woman replied.

"Is something wrong? Did the pills work at all?" the doctor asked

"Oh they worked all right" the woman began "but it was so fast, afrer my husband drank the coffee, he smiled at me, had the twinkle in his eye and we had sex right then and there on the table"

"So the pills did work, was the sex good?" the doctor asked

"Oh it was the best sex I had in 20 years!" the woman breathed

The doctor was very confused now, "I don't understand, the pills worked, and you said the sex was great, what's the problem?"

"The sex was great" the woman agreed, "but I don't think I will ever be able to show my face at Tim Hortons again!"

Q: How many Atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They would all rather curse the darkness.

Q: How many Californians does it taqke to change a light bulb?
A: Four; one to actually change it, and three more to sahre the experience.

Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five; One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to share the experience.

Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.

Here's Newfie joke:

A Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander are involved in a grisly crime and are all sentenced to death. The executioner told them that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.

Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging.

The American was afraid of needles and didn’t want to be hanged. The American chose the electric chair.

He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free.

They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.

The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and didn’t want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair.

Once again, the chair didn’t work and he was free.

Next it was the Newfoundlander’s turn to pick how he was to be executed.

He said "I'm afraid of needles, the electric chair won't work so you're going to have to hang me".

A few more Newfie jokes:

George Phillips of Grand Falls, NFLD was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police and told them that there were burglars in his shed.

The officer asked, "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no".

The officer replied that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an armed response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.

Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

-------------------

A Newfie walks into a souvenir shop in St. John's. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking he decided he must have it.

He took it to the counter. "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," the owner said.

The Newfie gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat. You can keep the story."

As he walked down the street carrying the rat, he soon noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him.

This was disconcerting, so he began walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

He began to trot toward the harbour, but looking back he saw that the rats now numbered in the millions, were squealing ever louder, and coming toward him faster and faster. Now scared, he broke into a run, then a full Olympic sprint to the edge of the harbour where he threw the bronze rat as far out as he could.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and they all drowned.

The man walked back to the souvenir shop.

"Aha!" said the owner. "You have come back for the story."

"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze politician"

Why were the extra-terrestrials confused when the human race came to an end?

They couldn't figure out who the winner was!

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

This joke is a bit 'blue', so don't read it if you are prudish,
or American.


An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!' shouted Bert.

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.

Why do mummies have such a hard time making friends?

Because they are too wrapped up in themselves.

If you work eleven hours a day at a shoe factory, and only get an hour of sleep, you might be a Chinese orphan.

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

hehehe

from (click)

How do you ask for some spare pennies?

"Hey buddy, got any common cents?"

Masturbation: a quicker, more effective way of killing your children.