Tell a joke!

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Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, “Don’t do it!”
He said, “Nobody loves me.”
I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?
He said, “Yes.”
I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”
He said, “A Christian.”
I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?”
He said, “Protestant.”
I said, “Me, too! What franchise?”
He said, “Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”
I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”
I said, “Me, too!”Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”
I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

Did you hear about the NT who could memorise pi to 22,514 decimal places?

No?

Neither did I.

knock knock
f*ck off!!

How did the American chicken cross the road? In a bucket.

Yesterday we celebrated Independence Day, the day the average IQ of the British Empire increased by 100 points with just one signature!

Miracle mile

A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

TWO NEW ADDITIONS TO THE PERIODIC TABLE OF ELEMENTS

Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)

Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and
may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used
well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong
affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when
left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly
green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of
wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!


Element Name: MANIUM
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/ - 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape
easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.
Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as
young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also
tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD
(Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating
with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source.
Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins
to smell.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

A man walked into a bar.


His girlfriend dodged it.

(NOT MY JOKE )

this is an ok joke i remember

the pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
the pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

the local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
the bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

the next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
this was too much for the bishop so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

the pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

the local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

the bishop fainted.

he informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
the next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

this was too much for the bishop so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

the next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

the bishop was buried the next day.

the moral of the story is . . . Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

a blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet.
as she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs.

the sign says: "sex frogs. only $20 each! comes with 'complete' instructions".

the girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody is watching her. she whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll take one!'
as the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'just follow the instructions!'

the blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
as soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:
1. take a shower.
2. splash on some nice perfume.
3. slip into a very sexy nightie.
4 crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

she then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens! the blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. she re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'if you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store.'

so, she calls the pet store. the man says, 'i'll be right over.' within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. the blonde welcomes him in and says, 'see, i've done everything according to the instructions. the damn frog just sits there!'

the man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and sternly says: " LISTEN TO ME!! i'm only going to show you how to do this ONE ... MORE .. TIME!! !"

lmao lmao lmao

Hello-
My name is....

Art, I'm a museum curator.
Chuck, I'm a butcher.
Gene, I'm a DNA researcher.
Curt and Rod, we are in the drapery business.
Will, I'm a lawyer.
Sue. I'm also a lawyer.
Bill. I run a collection agency
Grant, I am a loan officer.
Mike. I'm an announcer
Gale. I'm a meteorologist
John. I'm a plumber
Herb. I'm a cook.
Stu. I also cook.
Wade. I'm in swimming pool maintenance.
Rob. I'm a thief.
Rod. I sell guns.
Woody. A Forester.
Harry. I'm a barber.
Pete Moss. I sell fertilizer.
Iris. I'm an optometrist
Teddy I'm in lingerie
Matt. I'm a doorman.
Homer. I am a realter.
Carol. I sing during the holidays.
Clay. I make pottery.
Derek. I'm in the oil rig business.
Rusty. I undercoat cars.
Sly. I'm a detective.
Bea. I'm in the honey business..
Jim I train boxers
Dean A college chancellor
Bud. I'm a florist.
Rose. I'm a gardener. I work with Violet, Iris and Lily.
Clarence, I specialize in end-of-season inventory closeout sales.
Manuel, I write intruction books.
Pops. I sell soft drinks.
Jules, Ruby and Pearl. We're jewelers.
Marshall. I'm a peace officier.
Gill. I'm a fisherman.
Avery. I raise birds.
Cliff. I'm a mountaineer.
Sherry. I'm a wine-master.
Cary. I'm a porter.
Barry. I'm an undertaker.
Chevy and Mercedes. We are car dealers.
Abbie. I'm a Mother Superior.
Belle. I play the carillon.
Candy. I'm a confectioner.
Bet. I'm a coupier.
Sherry. I work in a vineyard.
Leo. A lion trainer.
Herald. I'm a messenger.
Sandy. I'm a lifeguard.
Guy Wire. I install antennas.
Ray. I'm a roentgenologist.
Faith. I'm a minister.
Frank, the Hot-Dog vendor
Brandy. The bartender.
Holly, I'm a holiday decorator
Shelly, I'm an expert on mollusks
Rich, A successful investment banker.
Brooks. I'm an irrrigation consultant.
Lute. I'm a musician.
Tellie. A gossip columnist
Rex. I run security at a junk yard.
Hortense. I'm a psychologist working with prostitutes.
Victor, and I'm a winner in everything I do.

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous young man told his
psychiatrist.
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many
people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife
and I have a dog we are very attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel
physically attracted to my horse."
"Hmmm," observed the doctor. "Is it male or female?"
"Female, of course!" the man replied curtly. "What do you
think I am, queer?"

this is not very good but whatever...

the pastor's ass

the pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
the pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
the local paper read:

"pastor's ass out front"

the bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

the next day the local paper headline read:
"bishop scratches pastor's ass"

this was too much for the bishop so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

the pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

the local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
"nun has best ass in town"

the bishop fainted.

he informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
the next day the paper read:

"nun sells her ass for $10"

this was too much for the bishop so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

the next day the headlines read:

"nun announces her ass is wild and free"

the bishop was buried the next day.

the moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he
has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a BAD case of gas
and really needs to relieve some pressure. Then, the family dog jumps up
on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and
if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the
woman yells, "Spot, get down from there." The guy thinks, "Great, they
think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells
for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the
woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he craps all over you!"

Let's work it out
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!