Tell a joke!

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Here's a few I made up


Why did the tree stop smoking? It wanted to turn over a new leaf.


Why are frogs so good at their jobs? They always hop to it.


Patient: 'Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a plant'
Doctor: 'Well, we better get to the root of the problem'


Two trees are talking to each other.
'How's your new job?' 'Great, I'm really starting to branch out.'


A man accidently kills a tramp with his gun. It was a bum shot...


A woman get's slapped on the arse and gets annoyed. The man says 'don't get arsey'.


What do you call a woman who taps eveyone? Pat.



I have to apologise for the level of rubbishness lol

Q: why did ken and barbie never have children?
A: because ken came in the wrong box.

How do you get a paper aeroplane to turn into an egg yoke?

Draw a characature of it spiriling into a pit of self despair and corruption!! !!

well if we are making up home cooked jokes.....
err... what is the similarity between a load of vomit heaved by a drunk onto a road side, and the drink that an abattoir worker has after work?
they are both poured into a gutter.

what type of vehicles do prostitutes drive?
pickup trucks.

what is the similarity between posters of letters to france and partners of transsexuals?
they both insert their french letters (look up the meaning) into mail boxes (phonetic joke (male boxes)).

what is the similarity between shallow members of forums and council workers that work for the electricity commission ?
they both make light posts.

i can go on forever, but i am aware that these examples are worthless and cheap garbage, so i will peel my sheets apart and insert myself into them and let my eyes roll back into thoughtless abandon.
good night

My jokes have to be surreal in some manner...


Why did the pencil need counciling?

Bad luck was drawn to him/her/it

why did did the pencil overrule the councillor?
because all through it's core the pencil had the lead.

A man needed his computer fixed, so an engineer came round, didn't do a very good job, and charged too much. So the man called him out again, and as revenge, he blind folded the engineer, caked him in glue, and smashed his broken computer on his head, so bits of it would stick to him. Ever since, the engineers had a chip on his shoulder.

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a pen.
Doctor: Well, we need to highlight the problem.

Why was the builder unhappy about going to the doctors?

He was bricking it. (No idea if that's a phrase in the US of A... it means you're scared as sh!t)

Did you hear that CockneyRebel couldn't make it through the first 30 minutes of an Austin Powers DVD?

Mick Avory!



For the people who don't get it, both Mick and myself are too innocent for raunchy things of a sexual nature.

A couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and
their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the
transport to pass the time. Talk comes around to the
relative merits of their respective aircraft. Of course
the fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were
better because of their superior speed, manoeuvrability,
weaponry, and so forth, while the putting down the
Hercules deficiencies in these areas.

After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says,
"Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl
that you'd only dream about." Naturally, the fighter
jocks challenge him to demonstrate.

"Just watch," comes the quick retort.

And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130
continuing to fly straight and level..

After several minutes the Herc pilot comes back on the
air, saying "There! How was that?"

Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots reply,
"What are you talking about? What did you do?"

And the Herc pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched
my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went into the back
and took a leak."

How do you get pikachu on a bus?

You POKE-HIM-ON.

a lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking-in his stomach. thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she said, "i don't think that is going to help." he replied, "sure it will- it's the only way i can see the numbers!"

ad hoc inclusion since i know no jokes because i never remember any.

Q: what is the difference between a gilded 15th century china platter and a curried buffalo colon?
A: one lies on top and the other lies underneath.

Q: what is the job advertisement that has the most applicants?
A: a missionary position.

errgghh i am out of volts.

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around
and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked
the man for letting him out.
The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only
one."The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to
go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying
and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be
built from California to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can
do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed
to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the
bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed.
No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one
other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to
understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they
temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically,
what makes them tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So was that a two
lane road or four?"

apparently the japanese have invented a high speed camera that can detect when a woman has her mouth shut.