Corrupt A Wish

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Granted. Matter has been banned, and all of her threads have been locked.

I wish that a person's life span depended on how nice a person is to others.

granted, and eesh, i don't want to tamper with that but...badness and goodness are thus predetermined at birth.]

i wish i could speak fluent colloquial hebrew.

Granted. When the news spreads you're hired at a very compelling salary as a west bank construction contractor.

I wish Windows was more like Palm OS.

granted. Since you put it in your pocket, it got flushed down the toilet when you weren't looking.

I wish I could be teleported to Alpha Centauri.

Granted. You’re teleported to the photosphere of the star and roasted in the blink of an eye. On top of that, the portal remains open long enough for someone to try to save you, only to suffer the same fate, and someone else after them, and so on. I hope you’re happy!

I wish I could summon tsunamis so I didn’t have to do the laundry.

It shall be done. But the tsunami is so strong that it washes away ALL your clothes, even the ones you're wearing, so that now have to try to figure out how to get more whilst being naked. Wait, did I once have a nightmare like that?

I wish for... a new puppy.

Granted. It will bite you.

I wish for those bribing politicians, including lobbyists, to go to jail.

Granted. But to fit them all, the jails had to let out all the violent criminals, who went out and made havoc in the streets. Have a nice day!

I wish for acceptance into Hogwarts, and the magic powers that go along with it.

granted, you were accepted into the Hogwarts janitorial academy. you learn all the appropriate spells including the one that properly disinfects frogs and the one to wipe up vomit, hands free, from drunk hufflepuffs.


i wish i could squat 200 KG.

It's better than doing it manually!

Granted, you can now squat 200 KG. Your glutes are so strong that everyone you meet asks you to crush their walnuts for them. You become so popular at this that the only job you can get is doing walnut-crushing food porn on local access television.

I wish I had a fish.

Granted. The fish of your dreams is of the oft-rumored surviving megalodon variety. Your fish is required to register to be assigned your new postal code.

I wish Booyakasha had a robot army.

granted. she's been awarded a platoon of 8th grade science fair old tin can bots. they fit the basic requirements but can smash merely a fly.

i wish ghoti had a monster truck.

Ohoh, Granted. It is an amphibious monster truck containing a monster whale who gets out of the vehicle and eats me up.

I wish vehicles were perpetual motion machines.

granted. every vehicle is able now to float up, away from the earth perpetually but fuels are required to bring it back to the ground.

i wish inbal perlmutter had not died.

granted. you married her, but due to her extreme aversion towards carambola you divorced her in the end.


I wish I never met some people.

I just saw this!