Corrupt A Wish

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Granted. You were canceled along with the show.

I wish the apple did not have a worm in it.

Granted. You find worms in all other fruits.

I wish I had a bottle of Polish vodka.

Granted. The bottle is broken and there are glass shards everywhere.

I wish Greenland was actually green.

granted. the ice cap has been dyed a dark green and if/when it melts the oceans will be dyed green as well.

i wish i was related to audrey hepburn.

Granted. You are now related to Audrey Hepburn of Gatlinburg, Tennessee, the town's one-toothed crazy old lady who talks to her three hundred cats as if they were her children. You are her equally crazy twin sister.

I wish I was incredibly attractive.

Granted. You've become a beautiful oil painting hanging in a gallery and studious young ladies come and stare at you, taking notes for their classes.

I wish my oven was self cleaning.

Granted. It scrubs itself out of existence.

I wish my dog could talk.

Granted. It badmouths you wherever you go.

I wish my browser would stop crashing.

Granted. Your browser never crashes again, but it now only loads discussion boards about crochet patterns.

I wish I had a roast beef sandwich right now.

Granted. Oops, i dropped it to the dirty floor.

I wish floors were self-cleaning.

granted. they flip themselves over during the cleaning process, in the meantime the grimy mucky dirtier underside is exposed.

i wish i could relate more to those my age.

Granted. You found your long-lost twin brother. But you can relate only to him now.

I wish for some clean untainted angel-food cake made with its proper ingredients.

Granted. Enjoy your one microgram of perfectly prepared angel food cake.

I wish I could get all the nutrition I need from coffee alone.

granted!! all other foods are now poisonous and toxic in addition to being totally superfluous!

i wish nobody got my name wrong or asked me what i prefer EVER AGAIN.

Granted. Everyone meeting you can only say your name (correctly) and nothing else.

I wish i wasn't presumed guilty until proven innocent.

Granted.

Now you are just presumed guilty, with no chance to ever prove your innocence.

I wish I could regenerate to the same form I had at the age of 17.